School mums messaging DH

[ToughToffee]

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

@Sianthomasisnothererightnow Aww thanks, yes it's exactly that, since I was a woman too that we'd naturally gel, it is an outdated and sexist view I can see that now.

Hopefully I will get to know them more over time, but I should, as other people say, be happy with the fact my husband has integrated so well with other mums amd that he's so well liked.

I think I’d just take tubas they met him first and it’s habit to ask him. Your overthinking.

I don’t think you can expect them to keep up with who is the parent that you’ve decided is doing most of the child related activities. They knew that as DH to start with, and although they now happen to see you too, there’s no reason they’d actively decide to stop texting him and start texting you. I’m sure over time it will gradually happen that way, but I think you’re reading way too much into this.

@Dacadactyl I think I was expecting the other mums to do what you do (to start including me) since they had met and spent time with me too. It's probably unrealistic to expect that I see that now.

@bluebeck 😂in my eyes yes!

I don't necessarily think you're wrong to expect it, but I think that people are busy and they get used to seeing one part of the coiple as "the parent who deals with the kids". In your case, they have your DH down as that in their mind (subconsciously) so they're not thinking of you when texting or whatever.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts nothing really, I guess I'd like to be as well.

@Dacadactyl yes I think they do see him as the 'parent to organise things with' and I've probably been overly sensitive about it and taken it personally.

@LolaSmiles that's helpful to know that it's not a personal thing.

@Whattodo112222 there's always that option. I mean they seem perfectly friendly and nice when we meet up, I don't think I've done anything for them to dislike me.

@YellowAndGreenToBeSeen 😆 OK fair enough I just thought I may become one of the group, but I think the dynamics have already been established and DH is the organiser of things for our DC with the rest of the mums..

@Mangogogogo 😂@ 'dunno wtf you on about'

Thanks, that is exactly what I had thought and hoped would happen, I would like to be the main person to contact for DC social activities and have tried to be more present within the group so that would happen however it hasn't and that is what upset me.

I will have to accept things as they are, it's not bad but I just need to get it out my head that it's not personal when they text DH instead of me.

@Badhairday101 I think that is how it works for everyone, I'm just a total weirdo 😂

@TheBroadintheDaylight I'm going to try and think like this instead of it in a.negative way

DH is default parent as you were not doing school runs initially, so he’s still first point of contact. You either have to issue a class-wise memo that you’d now like to be considered default parent :) or you just have to be patient, it will change over time as the mums realise you are now the go-to. It’s really not personal.

@SnugAsA I actually think this would probably work, it would look like I was taking.an interest.

@Thisisabsolutelyfine thanks 😊 it's so good to hear everybody say the same thing, it's helped me think about it differently and feel a lot happier now.

@ToughToffee -genuine question- what would your child say? I’d another child asked one of my kids to do something, they’d say “I’ll ask my mum”. In the situation I outlined upthread, my DD’s friend Lucy told her to ask me to ask her dad. So I did. What would your child say? That’s what will be related back to other kids’ parents. So it’s nothing to do with whether they like you or not - I’m sure they do. I liked Lucy’s mum when I met her - but the overwhelming message was “ask her dad”. And most people would think it looked horribly sexist not to in that scenario, which may explain why they stick to it so rigidly.

@WimpoleHat I don't think I initially saw DH as.being the main contact for DC but the other mums clearly do and that's what bothered me.

@DojaPhat I just expected to be contacted instead of DH since.getting to know them. Yes I was the only parent not to be added to 3 separate whatsapp groups regarding birthdays (the rest were my DH and all other mums of children invited to those.birthdays).

How do you relate to the other parents? Your initial post comes across as slightly angry. If you do come across a bit like that the others may prefer dealing with DH. Don't ask him to tell them they need to speak to you and not him, that makes it sound like you are bossing him around.

tbh, when I need something sorted re: my kids' friends I just text whichever parents is "default" on my phone. There are so many families I have to deal with, I just cant remember all the particulars.
In one instance the parent I texted told me to speak to the other one; so I messaged the other parent)) I think this is what your hubby needs to do - just say "gosh, I don't know, ask my wife!" This would also help in case she has dirty thoughts about your husband as it will send a clear signal that he is not interested.

Bit off there that you thought they should just dump your husband as you’d fronted up, seriously. Give your head a wobble.

is there a parent whatsapp group and your husband in it？I text parent from the group because it is easier (I saved DC name to identify them).

Yes I think its great and perhaps they are the sort of people you might enjoy meeting up with OP