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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 27/05/2023 18:38

Wonder if the OP will be back?

Lostinplaces · 27/05/2023 18:39

Your insecurities and jealousies aren’t really their problem. You either trust your DH or not.

ReliantRobyn · 27/05/2023 18:42

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

It's your standoffish / haughty attitude that's putting mums off speaking to you sadly. Try to be a bit nicer and stop blocking people hither and thither.

Lwrenagain · 27/05/2023 18:44

When I store my kids contacts in my phone it'll be "lucy dc2 class" and I'd never again have a single clue which one of her parents I'm texting.

Especially since all the school mums tend to have the same names, leanne, Kelly and Rachel usually and as it happens I have many friends with those names.

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 18:45

missmollygreen · 27/05/2023 18:09

I can't articulate why this post annoys me so much.... but it really does!

Show quote history

Because its putting the mental workload back onto the woman?!

The OP will follow this advice and be back here in 6 months grumbling because she has gone back to work, husband is back to school runs and she has to sort out the playdates on his behalf 😂

OP, it sounds like your jealous. And as someone else said, if it was a Dad messaging, would you be bothered?

They've spent months messaging the husband to sort out playdates with him and most likely text out of habit, probably because they dont have the headspace to think about it as their husbands also dump the family mental workload onto them as well.

I'd say you're massively overthinking it

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 18:51

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 18:02

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

This!

They knew him first, he's the default parent to them. Bloody good job them.

Also, I treat school/nursery couples interchangeably if they both do drop offs. I didn't realise I must have some nefarious purpose. I just text whosever name I can find in my phone.

StarDolphins · 27/05/2023 18:54

How odd that the woman you were texting yesterday then texts you DH. It’s not like she assumes their dad is chief organiser if you were texting her last to arrange something.

I mainly text the mum (even if they do 50/50. There’s only 1 dad that does most at DD’s school so I text him (but if his wife turned up, I would text her).

The bike woman is strange, your DH should say ‘oh thanks, yes dc would love that thanks, just waiting for toughtoffee to get ready then we’ll set off’ then you go too.

autienotnaughtym · 27/05/2023 18:54

He's the main parent. Just keep making an effort to get to know them

Expo23 · 27/05/2023 18:55

Start bypassing them and messaging their partners.

DiddyHeck · 27/05/2023 18:58

Expo23 · 27/05/2023 18:55

Start bypassing them and messaging their partners.

Why would the OP do that?

For starters it doesn't sound as though she knows them and how would she have their phone numbers?

Weird.

LolaSmiles · 27/05/2023 19:06

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.
I regularly talk to friends at pick up and then later on when DC are telling me about their day, things come up so I'd send a text.

It wouldn't cross my mind to think "I saw David at pick up, so I must text him about today's events instead of Jane, who I knew first and typically talk about kidstuff with".

Some group play dates have mums, others dads, sometimes both. DH has had lunch with female friends and their children on play dates and I've had a coffee and chat with DC's friends' dads.

It's nice to see some parents not fall into the trap of assuming mum is the default parent.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:07

Thanks everybody for the replies, wow I've clearly overreacted. There are some really good well thought out points made and some funny ones! I guess I have to get over myself!

I definitely don't mean to say women and men can't hang out and be friends etc. I did think about him being the first one they knew.
We did also used to joke about him being the man from

DH is lovely and completely trustworthy. A great dad, husband and friend I guess that's why they may be drawn to him as well. I am reserved but not to the point of being unfriendly ( well....in my opinion but that could be a factor)

Anyhow....that's me well and truly told lol

Thanks for the replies, I'd respond individually if I could.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:08

The man from motherland the show

OP posts:
Frenchtoadt · 27/05/2023 19:09

DH needs to add you to the what’s app group or ask an ‘admin’ to .. I do agree though that they probably see him as default parent and you as the parent who will disappear again after maternity leave

Fandabedodgy · 27/05/2023 19:10

Both your voting options are hyperbolic

They are texting the parent they know. It's nothing personal and you are being silly.

Just forward the message to whichever of you intends to go.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 19:10

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:07

Thanks everybody for the replies, wow I've clearly overreacted. There are some really good well thought out points made and some funny ones! I guess I have to get over myself!

I definitely don't mean to say women and men can't hang out and be friends etc. I did think about him being the first one they knew.
We did also used to joke about him being the man from

DH is lovely and completely trustworthy. A great dad, husband and friend I guess that's why they may be drawn to him as well. I am reserved but not to the point of being unfriendly ( well....in my opinion but that could be a factor)

Anyhow....that's me well and truly told lol

Thanks for the replies, I'd respond individually if I could.

Good for you OP. Although just FYI it's more fun if you call everyone twats and fight on here 

As for @StarDolphins I mainly text the mum (even if they do 50/50. There’s only 1 dad that does most at DD’s school so I text him (but if his wife turned up, I would text her) please don't. Why should I do all the work? If you want to talk about play dates please text DH, I can't be arsed.

Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 19:13

To avoid it looking like I had intentions towards the husband, I always text both mum and dad when I have their numbers. Even if the dad texts me about about sleepovers, I respond and copy in the mum too.

But in terms of your situation, you would be petty to do anything other than smile and be nice to these other mums. Perhaps they build up a good relationship with your husband and don't want him to feel like he's been dropped in favour of mum the minute you're on the scene.

Whattodo112222 · 27/05/2023 19:13

Op with kindness.. maybe they just don't like you as much.

Miscellaneousme · 27/05/2023 19:19

What’s the concern? That they’ll have hot sex at the park while the kids play on their bikes? 🙄

Dads are parents too. You’re being very irrational and definitely they will only be having contact with him if you carry on down this road..

My husband and I will interchangeably message parents about play dates etc etc depending on who’s at work or home as it varies from day to day.

YABU - normal for parents to have contact with each other male or female, they are messaging him as he primarily does the school runs

TeaYarn · 27/05/2023 19:19

Maybe they just prefer your husband? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:21

Lol to me yes!

OP posts:
Sianthomasisnothererightnow · 27/05/2023 19:24

Hey @ToughToffee, do you know why it bothers you? Is it because they’re women texting DH or is it because you feel a bit left out and would like some better social relationships with other parents? If it’s the latter I totally get that, maybe you need to try and arrange some play dates?

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:26

@stardolphins thanks yes that's why I thought it strange. We were literally in contact the day before about another playdate.

Stupidly thought I'd made some headway into having her text me for things instead of DH. But oh well....he was there first is what everybody else is saying.

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 27/05/2023 19:29

I met my sons friends dad before I met his mum, but now I’ve spoke to and get on well with mum I couldn’t imagine now randomly texting her husband regarding the kids lollll.

on the other hand my sons other friends dad is the one involved with school and stuff and although I knew them long before our sons became friends I do message him regarding school stuff because I know his wife would be like ‘dunno wtf you on about’ 😂

i think if they hadn’t met you it would be different but now they have and have seen you doing the school runs and taking the kids places they should probably have realised that’s your role now

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:31

@MrsTerryPratchett 😆

OP posts: