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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 00:06

@sofasofa42 It's probably the same situation as yours, DH did most of comms initially and I do get really get along with this woman so I guess I thought/assumed she would then contact me but maybe she's kind of stuck as both DH and I are friendly with her and she's trying to split the messaging one day me and the next day DH, who knows! But I can see.how having one person (in this case the initial contact DH) is easier.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 28/05/2023 00:42

This is totally normal to have one parent who is mainly in charge of child care and play dates. Everyone has assumed it's your DH (rightly so because he was around a lot). This is also the case at school as well. There are a good mix of dad's and mum's active on the school whatsapp and for play dates I message the parent who is on the chat and is the most active, even if I am also friendly with the other parent.

Clementinesucks · 28/05/2023 01:37

I have the opposite problem! Even when DH wasn’t working at all parents would text me. I’d text back “hi busy day with meetings please text X”. Some parents never got it (always the mums - why?)

EasterBreak · 28/05/2023 01:42

Yabu they all know him better than you. I had something similar but the child lived with his grandparents. Grandad always did school run and then nan started being seen at school sometimes. Both are lovely but I always messaged granddad about parties/play dates. He was there from day 1 and I hadn't thought that might be odd.

Ellie450 · 28/05/2023 01:46

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:38

@VDisappointing I have with this particular mum but it just doesn't seem to work. I have seen the WhatsApp messages between her and DH though they go on for ages (all innocent just chatting, joking etc) it seems a little more forced with me, I guess they just get on better

You would be completely reasonable to put an end to this, and it would likely make you feel better about everything else. Innocent or not, she doesn’t need to be going on with him like this. And as someone else mentioned, she likely knows it and that’s part of the appeal for her. If he stops engaging she’ll get the hint.

MysteryBelle · 28/05/2023 03:13

Totally with you on this. Those particular moms are doing that on purpose. So the one mom had just talked to you an hour before with your child at school and then texted your husband who wasn’t even at pickup to ask what your dc’s take was on an incident at school that day. Ok, that is on purpose and calculated, it is not even logical. Makes no sense.

I bet she is friends with the other two(?) who do this. I’d drop all three cold and shore up my relationships with the nice moms. Your husband agrees with your assessment and so stopping them in their tracks on his end should nip this in the bud.

Codlingmoths · 28/05/2023 06:32

HerMammy · 27/05/2023 18:07

Everyone saying it's normal, did they read the OP? A mum OP was with an hour previously msgs her DH to ask something she could have easily asked OP, it's a bit rude. As for group chats he just removes himself.

No he doesn’t bloody remove himself from group chats, he’s a parent! He adds his wife if she’s not on it and it seems useful or asks admin to add his wife.if I thought a dad has been set up as primary parent I’d make sure I at least messaged them 50/50 rather than assume the mum does everything.
the one messaging him after chatting to you is annoying. Maybe he default doesn’t reply to that woman. But there isn’t a conspiracy here op don’t go burning bridges, there might be one weird mum. If I’ve got one contact no saved for a child’s parents I can easily see I wouldn’t go looking up the other one, sorry but I’m a busy lazy mum.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 07:38

@BodegaSushi yeah he's really kind and empathic, great with kids and the mums lol even with cooking, cleaning...I don't have any complaints other than I feel like the inadequate one.

OP posts:
Wildspace · 28/05/2023 07:40

My DH is the school parent and it took people a while to figure out there was no point texting me as it would be him doing the logistics and parties. I’m very happy that he deals with all of the play dates and parties. It used to infuriate me that it was me added to group chats not him. Definitely shouldn’t remove from group chats!! He’s a bloody parent.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 07:43

@MysteryBelle yes she is friends with those other ones, I did initially think like this but there are other mums (not within her particular group) that will still message DH instead of me, so it seems like it's established as the main contact. Not gonna lie, it will probably still bug me a bit especially when I've just seen her and she messages DH. I just think as others say burning bridges now would not help DH (who seems to get along with all the cliques and there are quite a few!)

OP posts:
Marmalady75 · 28/05/2023 07:54

In ds’s class about a third of the dads are in the whatsapp group. I chat to the mums at pick up/drop off, but because it’s the dads in the group, it’s the dads I would message. Nothing sinister or romantic, I don’t have the numbers saved to my phone, so I would go in to the group chat, click on the bit to see the members and then pick the parent I wanted to message individually.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 08:02

@Ellie450 the messages were completely platonic and jokes about our DC, things along the lines of ' not looking forward to dinner tonight, X wouldn't eat last night, we should just serve ice cream' but I wouldn't really have those types of whatsapps with them. I think they just know each other better and maybe they find it easier to get along with him.

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 28/05/2023 08:07

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

Exactly

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 08:12

@Marmalady75 thanks that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 08:21

Just want to say thanks again for all the responses (sorry if I haven't managed to message you individually). I would have massively screwed things up for DH, DC and myself without your input.

You are right I should appreciate DH and these women for accepting him and get off the high horse.

Thanks for all your examples showing how normal this is and that it's not personal.

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 28/05/2023 10:19

Sounds fine, pretty refreshing tbh. It’s so unbelievably frustrating when school mums won’t let their kids out for group playdates because etc it’s their husbands days to care for the kids. Like kids can only socialise if the mother is there. So strange.

Backtothegym · 28/05/2023 10:26

Not gonna lie, it will probably still bug me a bit especially when I've just seen her and she messages DH

that’s so selfish and self absorbed though, why do you feel you’re more important than your husband and they should dump him for you, so what if you’d just seen her.

are you usually so self grandiose?

Codlingmoths · 28/05/2023 10:32

Backtothegym · 28/05/2023 10:26

Not gonna lie, it will probably still bug me a bit especially when I've just seen her and she messages DH

that’s so selfish and self absorbed though, why do you feel you’re more important than your husband and they should dump him for you, so what if you’d just seen her.

are you usually so self grandiose?

Oh for gods sake. I hope one day you and your partner are in a conversion with another mum and you say something like how about a play date with your little darling this week and she turns to your dh and says a play date would be lovely, and you say to her Wednesday or Thursday would suit, mine or yours? And she turns to your dh and says ours is fine unless you’d prefer to have us come over? Etc etc. that particular example you are having a go at is the only point where the op is being reasonable to be miffed!!

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:20

@Backtothegym I'm not saying I'm more important I'd like to be just as important in their eyes when it comes to our DC that's all. * *

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:22

@Codlingmoths thank you, that is exactly how I was feeling/interpreting things.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:29

@ReliantRobyn do you live in a Dickens novel?

OP posts:
Backtothegym · 28/05/2023 12:45

ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 12:20

@Backtothegym I'm not saying I'm more important I'd like to be just as important in their eyes when it comes to our DC that's all. * *

That’s not true is it. Think about it. You’re pissed at every message. You want them to dump him and only liase with him if you’re not available. And that’s shitty. Just own it.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 28/05/2023 13:31

@Backtothegym I don't want him to be dumped by anybody, being excluded from the messages did bug me, what was stopping them from adding me to the group? That way DH or I could respond depending on availability. This nursery mum communication stuff is all new territory for me. Do u seriously think I want DH to be treated like crap? I don't. I just felt a bit insecure and unliked within the group due to most messages going to him.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 28/05/2023 14:20

. I just think as others say burning bridges now would not help DH (who seems to get along with all the cliques and there are quite a few!)
Are they actually cliques or are they parents who happen to talk to each other regarding their children?

If your DH gets on with a lot of parents across a range of friendship groups, that doesn't sound like cliques to me. It sounds like parents having bog-standard parent interactions, some small talk in passing with some contact about children, and some more like friends.

Is there a chance that your own frustration are leading you to view parent to parent interactions as cliques because you feel irritated that you're not as involved?

Spiderboy · 28/05/2023 18:22

I am actually really baffled by this

Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it)

😂 what kind of incident?? “Oh dear, did you hear mason bit Olivia AND Lucas today! I wonder how the nursery will act, he’s been trouble for a while. What did your DC see?”

these are nursery child, yes?? 😁

I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to ask anyone about an “incident” at nursery, what is it that is happening so frequently that you are concerned about who is being messaged