School mums messaging DH

[ToughToffee]

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

Even though I’ve been on play dates etc with my youngest DC, I’m not really interested in the parents as the time spent is just to entertain my child. I tend to save the names in by phone by their child because that’s what’s the important bit to me.

Some parents want to make friends and others see meeting up as a means to an end because it pleases their child. I fall into the latter category and really don’t care which parent comes along, therefore, I will just message whichever one populates in my phone first (usually it will be the first number I had for the child).

@Arewehumanorarewecupboards my DH said he thought it was a little odd as well (the fact that she texted me and then him today). But he has always said it's probably because they have known him a bit longer which I suppose is the case. Maybe I should be happy this woman is texting us both (even if separately) because most others just go straight to him.

@Ilovepotato he's done that in the past, sometimes works sometimes doesn't

@SleepingStandingUp it's the primary parent thing that I would like to be seen as (or even joint one) but I guess it's hard if DH has already been established as that

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.

this.

i have found the same since DH does slightly more drop offs/pickups.

in the same situation, i just keep people's contact details by child.. who gives a fuck if it's the mum or dad, i just assume they talk to each other

seriously, op, some people would be offended by being the mum main contact even though your DH is the initial main parent here.. it shows progress that they're not just assuming all of the family mental load is on you!

i'm baffled that you're offended by this

Lol I think I'd be really chuffed for my DH if this happened

@Hugasauras I guess it's just how I felt at the time reading but it back and seeing the replies has made me rethink.

Yeah I guess I just feel insecure that DH is seen as the first person or only person to contact for DC arrangements. Despite me really making efforts with them all.

A few other mums text my DH too, things like thanks so much for the birthday present for X when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present

Now this would bother me. I'd expect DH to reply something back 'glad X liked the present but that was down to Toffee I'll let her know'.

Maybe a group WhatsApp is the way to go, so whoever is available for playdates can just say instead of the other parents guessing which one of you may be free.

I think it's just who they knew first. I have a good couple friend who I was friends with the man first and know his wife through him. I like them both equally but text him rather than her because he was my friend first. He does the same, he's friends with my partner too but it's me he texts as we know each other better. I thought that was how it works for everyone.

My DH is the school parent. This happens all the time to us and it doesn’t bother me. If anything, I’m delighted because it takes all the school social stuff (which I hate!) off my plate. Sometimes I get copied into group chats about birthday parties and I get DH to deal with it 😂

If it bothered me, I'd start answering their messages from my own account, regardless of where they send them. 'DH told me about the bike outing. Sounds great! DC and I will see you there!' If you're the one who will primarily be there, they should eventually realise this and start messaging you more directly.

Given that your DH was the "original school parent", I can understand why it would be normal for them to text him. I wouldn't read to much into it.

However, the feelings behind your OP are the main reason why I only ever text the school mums, and never the dads, even if the dads text me. As a single mum, I wouldn't ever want anyone (mum or dad) to get the wrong idea, despite the fact I am DEFINITELY NOT looking for a boyfriend from my DC school playground!

@MrsDrDear thanks, funnily I said a.very similar thing to DH when he read the message out, he just shrugged and said he'd prefer to 'not go there'

Agree. And tbh not all of us like Tom Hardy either lol.

Your options for yabu and yanbu are also swayed and in and of themselves make you look unreasonable in my view

@HerMammy thanks that's what I thought but I guess I'm overly sensitive. If this happened again I still think it would slight me....can't help it.

Respect for how well you took this OP compared to many threads I read :)

@Newmumatlast lol thanks, I thought I was so right but they can't all be wrong.

@Sianthomasisnothererightnow yes it's because feel excluded when the invites or messages go straight to DH. I honestly thought DH and I have the same relationship with all parents so I guess that's why it bothers me so much sometimes it feels like theu favour him. Childish I know.

I've done a little mental inventory of the default dads I know. Variously two single dads and I don't really know the mum, one dad who makes the best costumes and his wife has said "I sit and have a wine while he does the school stuff" so I text him. I do really really like him but NOT like that! And one whose wife is super judgey and thinks I'm irresponsible and feckless. I avoid her like the plague. DD's dyed hair and hoodies make her weep. Her child is perfectly Bodened.

@AbreathofFrenchair fair enough, I just thought they were favouring him instead of me for whatever reason.

Meh. Get your husband to add you. Suggest play dates yourself.
i happily talk to the dads, or the mums.
i don’t fancy any of them

I don’t think it’s childish at all. I have a very popular DH and for a long time was known as ‘DH’s Mrs’. It can be really difficult, especially when you’ve been spending time with someone shortly before, and this sounds sexist and silly, but sometimes you sort of expect the women to naturally choose you to socialise with so when they don’t it can sting a little, even if it is unreasonable really.

Don’t take it to heart. If you like certain people then arrange your own play dates and find your own tribe.

@Rolloisthebestpony definitely DC related nothing inappropriate.

I have learnt a good lesson for DC2 starting nursery!

@runninglady55 I never really thought of it that way, my eyes have definitely been opened.

Maybe they are? Have you asked them?

I wouldn't read too much into it though, your husband sounds like he wouldn't let it cross the line (if it ever went that far) and at the end of the day, its arrangements for the children.

It's not very often these lead to meaningful and close adults friendships and will most likely fade out once they start school and then it starts again.

It was a relief when they started secondary and arranged their own things tbh!