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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mums messaging DH

185 replies

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 17:57

Hi Everybody,

Sorry this is long, it's driving me crazy and making me upset.
DC started a new nursery last year, I work full time, mainly with US so at the beginning was not able to do much of the drop offs or pick ups. Naturally it was DH that got to know the other mums/parents through him doing most drop offs/pick ups.

I had another DC a few months ago so have had a chance to start meeting other mums/parents doing drop offs and attending birthday parties etc. Some of whom I've met up with separately for coffees and playdates. A couple of these mums still text my husband directly to arrange playdates and ask about other things (incidents or news from the nursery) despite me pretty much establishing a good relationship with them (although not particularly close, strictly DC related but actually closer than what my DH would be).

For example, one mother I was texting yesterday about a playdate with her DC(for next week) randomly texts my husband today saying 'hey, some of us are going to the park so the kids can practice bike riding today. Does your DC fancy coming too?' I am pretty annoyed by this. To me this looks like an invitation to DH and DC only. Last month the same woman texted my husband after pick up (which I did, so we were chatting and catching up while there) to ask about an incident that happened with a group of children that day (nothing major just wanted to know our sons take on it) I found this odd since I literally saw her an hour before. A few other mums text my DH too, things like 'thanks so much for the birthday present for X' when I was the one who went to the party with my DC and brought the damn present. Or separate WhatsApp groups regarding parties (there is a main one for all parents which I'm in), I never get added to these just DH despite BOTH parents of other kids being added.

These things are starting to really bother me now. Especially from this particular mother ( re bike riding), all invitations seem to go directly to my husband. He is just as baffled by this (and other incidents) as me and always tells me when she texts because he thinks I should know even if it bothers me which I'm glad he does.

I have been really angry about the recent text and am planning to just blank this and the other mothers that do this as it's just fucking rude and ignorant. I don't text their husbands separately and highly doubt they do that to others. FWIW I don't have issues socialising with anybody.

So...

YANBU - Fuck them all, completely blank them and let DH do all playdates/parties, they clearly want that.

YABU - it's completely normal behaviour to be left out by other mothers in favour of DH

OP posts:
Backtothegym · 27/05/2023 22:32

It’s just so unuttterably selfish and rude after all the drop offs and pick ups your husband has done and the relationships he’s formed for you to think as you’ve fronted up, he should be dumped immediately as you’re now rhe star of the show. And the way you were going to treat these parents becayde of them not recognising you were the main act and kicking your husband to the gutter is appalling.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:34

@JudgeRudy true I think DH and this particular woman probably have more of a friendship compared to rest of the mums and be could have just been first person they thought to contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:38

@VDisappointing I have with this particular mum but it just doesn't seem to work. I have seen the WhatsApp messages between her and DH though they go on for ages (all innocent just chatting, joking etc) it seems a little more forced with me, I guess they just get on better

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 27/05/2023 22:38

i just keep people's contact details by child.. who gives a fuck if it's the mum or dad, i just assume they talk to each other

This - basically, this in a nutshell. If your DH is down as the contact for your child, it’s just for convenience - he was there first/they know him better whatever. It’s no reflection on you. If I email a mother and the dad turns up I’d think nothing of it at all- as the pp said, they speak to each other! I honestly think you’re reading far too much into this; the original example you quoted was so run of the mill and a million miles away from anything flirty/inappropriate/“oh poor man, his wife has left him holding the baby”. It was totally workaday. That mother has your DH’s number stored under “Sally’s friend James” or the like and hasn’t given it any further thought than to ask whether James would like to join the cycling. It is absolutely no reflection on you whatsoever.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:41

@Irritateandunreasonable I don't think so, I chat to most parents I come across, a little reserved maybe but that's it.

OP posts:
BodegaSushi · 27/05/2023 22:42

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 18:02

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

Right?

Post after post of useless husbands and women saying don't put up with this, men should do more, share the mental load.

But not like that 🫠

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:45

@ProfessorXtra we're trying to have a more even split of nursery runs and playdates etc I hope I can still do this when I start back at work.

OP posts:
BodegaSushi · 27/05/2023 22:45

bluebeck · 27/05/2023 18:07

Is this your DH?

Anytime I've heard someone say women are chasing their DH, 9/10 times he's more this:

School mums messaging DH
Lightsgoingout · 27/05/2023 22:46

If these mums where male would you still have an issue, if it’s a no YABU?

BodegaSushi · 27/05/2023 22:46

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 19:08

The man from motherland the show

Aw, Kevin is ace, I'd want to be his friend

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:51

@MrsTerryPratchett thanks that's interesting. Not sure I fall into either category of the mums as I actually want to be involved with everybody. Good choice about the judgey mum, nobody needs that in their life!

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 27/05/2023 22:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2023 19:10

Good for you OP. Although just FYI it's more fun if you call everyone twats and fight on here 

As for @StarDolphins I mainly text the mum (even if they do 50/50. There’s only 1 dad that does most at DD’s school so I text him (but if his wife turned up, I would text her) please don't. Why should I do all the work? If you want to talk about play dates please text DH, I can't be arsed.

Show quote history

Got you, I would rather not too but I just think the mums are more sharp & on the ball (ime). The Dads are to much ‘umm, dunno’ & I don’t have time in my life for the middleman so generally go straight to the top!

RedHelenB · 27/05/2023 22:56

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 18:02

Well done to the mums - they aren’t automatically assuming it’s the mum always sorting the children’s activities.
YABU.

This. He's carrying the mental load so I'd let him get on with it.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:59

@AbreathofFrenchair I haven't asked them, would be scared in case I came across weird/insecure (which I clearly am). I guess it's probably a mixture of them knowing him first and him being really nice.

I will.be glad when DC can arrange their own socialising.

OP posts:
AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 23:07

ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 22:59

@AbreathofFrenchair I haven't asked them, would be scared in case I came across weird/insecure (which I clearly am). I guess it's probably a mixture of them knowing him first and him being really nice.

I will.be glad when DC can arrange their own socialising.

Don't sweat it, everyone is weird and insecure over something. Much better to recognise it than deny it!

Sarahtm35 · 27/05/2023 23:08

Ugh I can’t stand all this school mum pally pally small talk “let’s go for coffee and play dates” BS. I’m the type of mum who collects her child and leaves asap! 😂So yanbu in my opinion. These are women and they should know women code. Unfortunately a lot of women have no idea about women code. If I were you I’d text her back and say ‘ hi x my husbands a bit busy at the moment so has asked me to respond to your text blah blah’
personally my husband would not like to be ‘one of the girls’ and would probably direct them to me anyway.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:08

@WimpoleHat hmm I reckon if it was playdate related DC would most likely associate it with DH since he has done more of it.

I can see how it has come to this but I guess I thought it would all change once I started meeting with the group.

OP posts:
78Summer · 27/05/2023 23:10

Very annoying. To the next couple of texts from each person he should reply ‘please ask x’ or ‘thanks I will let x know’. Then stop responding.

RudsyFarmer · 27/05/2023 23:11

Yes my immediate thought is he is probably handsome/athletic/funny and they’re hoping to engage him in some online chat and banter.

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:22

@BigFatLiar I don't think I come across too badly (I have asked DH about this a lot) friendly maybe a.little reserved but nice (according to DH). DH is maybe more approachable. I wouldn't interfere with his friendships with the other mums as I trust him (and them) but I guess I need to get it in my head that he's seen as the main contact for DC which I have found annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:26

@skyblueblue yes,.there is a main parents whatsapp group and most parents (mums and dads) are in it, including DH and I.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:28

@AbreathofFrenchair aww.thanks

OP posts:
sofasofa42 · 27/05/2023 23:34

Don't over think it . Wait until they start school and you are on wattsap groups! You will miss this lack of constant comms.
I have new parent friends and equally friends with both, but dad took control of all comms from the start and I still defer to him for all things. So do all the other mums . Its literally like are the boys coming with us today, oh I will message Dad etc. Its just been our pattern. I guess my relationship with mum is more lighthearted and we gossip on the phone .
Personally, if they think you are busy and earning buck and he is free for the parent nonsense then take it as a group of women saying you are busy and important and he isn't!

Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:36

@Sarahtm35 yeah initially I did.think this too which added to my anger

OP posts:
Original poster
ToughToffee · 27/05/2023 23:55

@Backtothegym I didn't mean for it to come across like that but I guess it did. DH has been able to make these friendships.due to the fact that I was working and.unable to meet any of the parents myself (nobody's fault just life) however now that I'm in a position to attend playdates& parties I would like to think that I'd at least be considered as.another contact for DC playdates .DH would also like me to have a more active role in this than him, although he likes his friendships he has in the past found it quite time consuming with all the parties and playdates. Im not implying he can't still.be friends and interact with them.

OP posts: