Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 28/05/2023 19:01

Parkandpicnic · 28/05/2023 18:40

Not sure why you don’t just use childcare?

They do, at the OP's expense.

petmad · 28/05/2023 19:42

Can i just say youre job might be part time but, its a full time job looking after children running a house etc.ask him to swap with you for a week and see how inferior his job is.

Hicks123 · 28/05/2023 20:24

Wow, I am livid on your behalf. Your DH wants you to work for less but you still pay half of everything, yet do more than half (well all) of the childcare. There is no benefit whatsoever to you that he is a higher earner as you still pay half. I would reply along the lines of “I have taken a financial hit for the last 4 years to do ALL the childcare and enable you to work full time with no childcare responsibilities. It’s now my turn to work full time and I’m not asking you to take all the childcare responsibilities, this time I’m asking for you to take ONE day off to look after YOUR own child. I’m not going out to have fun, I’m going to work, as you do and as you ASKED me to do. If you can’t look after your own child I suggest to employ someone to do your share because I am done with being anything less than an equal partner in this marriage.”

cptartapp · 28/05/2023 20:29

I'd remind him he'll be even worse off having to sort 24/7 care of his DC by himself half of every week going forward if you split over this.
He could shoot himself in the foot here quite easily.

ILoveEYFS · 28/05/2023 20:29

You definitely have a DH problem. I personally would start by asking him for ½ the child care costs. He earns more than you but you pay for more than ½ the bills?

You need to have a conversation, either he takes on ½ the childcare responsibilities or you leave one of your jobs before you get fired. The other option is to leave him and claim maintenance from him 🤷‍♀️.

He cannot have his cake and eat it

3BSHKATS · 28/05/2023 20:34

cptartapp · 28/05/2023 20:29

I'd remind him he'll be even worse off having to sort 24/7 care of his DC by himself half of every week going forward if you split over this.
He could shoot himself in the foot here quite easily.

Lol
He won't accept 50/50 and god help you if you try and force him by taking the child to his house for 1/2 the week .... mine called the police and they backed him up 😂

H007 · 28/05/2023 20:58

Tell him you both need to cover the holidays 50/50 and if he doesn’t take the time off he’ll have to pay for holiday club. His choice, you’re working.

helpplease01 · 28/05/2023 22:29

geekone · 27/05/2023 12:17

Divorce husband and use holiday club.

This is not an equal partnership! Leave him. Then he will have to share the parenting. Fucking misogynistic sexist twat!

KateKateLee · 28/05/2023 23:09

Tell him you’ve done your fair share of childcare, now it’s his turn. Time for him to man up.

My husband and I are divorcing for the 8 years since my son started school I’ve done the vast majority of drop offs and pick ups. He’d do a day or two for a bit then stop until I mentioned it again. When I asked if he could do more he’d say he could but would have to find a new job. I’ve done pretty much all looking after the 2 kids when they are ill, done all the doctors and hospital appointments. I mentioned this and was told I let them stay home too easily and take them to the doctor too often. Now he wants 50:50 childcare. I’ve no idea how he’ll manage it and know who will have to pick up the pieces.

Mamanyt · 28/05/2023 23:10

Wait, wait...I'm getting here a bit late. SO...HE said you needed the second job, but HE says that it is unfair to expect him to be a father, so you can work the second job?

I'd kick him to the curb over this one...and for goodness' sake, do not have another child with this man.

Mamanyt · 28/05/2023 23:15

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 15:06

I work as a midwife for 23.5 hours and the second job which is 20 hours is totally fine during term time.
he seems to want me to work more but doesn’t want to help me to do this……it’s not even helping me, it’s helping us as a family to have a more comfortable life and be able to afford family days out and holidays.
I didn’t intend the post to be about money, that’s not the issue, I pay half of everything.
I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off with him so it’s not always my responsibility. Or am I being unreasonable to expect this regardless of who earns more? he still gets paid holiday pay if he takes a day off so there is no loss of earnings.
we didn’t ever have a conversation about childcare before we had our son as I never even thought it would be an issue to both be a parent and meet our child’s needs equally.
I’m not asking him to provide child care so I can go out socially, I want to work and be a reliable employee rather than always have to be the one to call my work to say “I have no child care”

Show quote history

Any single ladies out there, please take this to heart. You need to spend AT LEAST as much time discussing a marriage as you do planning a wedding. Ideally, much more. A wedding is one day. A marriage is a long-term commitment. Do not go into it thinking, "Oh, it will all work out just fine."

Parkandpicnic · 28/05/2023 23:16

LaDamaDeElche · 28/05/2023 19:01

They do, at the OP's expense.

Show quote history

Thats certainly not fair if always at the OPs expense, it should be a case of pooling all income earned or otherwise he should take responsibility for kids & house for 50% of the time and is either around to have the kids during that time or pays for childcare

SchoolShenanigans · 28/05/2023 23:18

He's a selfish prick, there's no two ways about it.

You, and your child, deserve so much more.

SkyandSurf · 28/05/2023 23:21

Tell him if he doesn't come to the party he runs the risk you will divorce him and he'll be responsible for 50% of childcare.

Selfish prick.

Why are you paying half when you earn less and are the primary caregiver?

Outrageous.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 28/05/2023 23:44

Op you keep saying that you want to make him understand. He understands exactly what you are saying - I assume you are speaking to him in plain English and he doesn’t have any learning or communication difficulties.

Your problem is not his lack of understanding. Or even your communication skills. Your problem is that he doesn’t agree with you. He thinks that any work or inconvenience or cost to do with children is YOUR problem. that’s his own value system or belief system and your can’t change that. he’s not interested in compromise or negotiation.

This is who he is - selfish and self centred. He doesn’t care about his child or you. He’s in your marriage for what he can get out of it.

Nothing you can say or do will change that. You have two options here - put up with it or change YOUR actions . Words won’t fix anything here.

Personally I’d divorce him .

T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 01:29

Tell him you’ll cover 2 weeks of the 6 weeks by taking it off…. If he’s not prepared to take 2 weeks off then he needs to pay for childcare for those 2 weeks and the remaining 2 weeks you can jointly pay for….
i also agree though that he sounds like a dick, I had one like this and haven’t been happier than since he left!

Firethehorse · 29/05/2023 04:51

I’m so sorry you lost your mum OP. It does sound as though you are being financially and emotionally taken advantage of, if not abused.
Your reluctance to consider ending things with him make me wonder if he perhaps owns the house, or made you sign a pre-nup or if you can’t leave him due to cultural reasons. It’s not great for your son to experience this dynamic and it’s awful for you. If you do begin to wonder about divorce speak to a lawyer before broaching this with your husband. He currently believes he holds all the cards.

stayathomer · 29/05/2023 05:09

The treat thing is driving me nuts on your behalf but you are talking about it like it’s a hobby/fun tbf, which is great but I work in a busy bookstore and it drives me round the bend that people act like it’s a hobby- I work the same hours as them and spend most of my day lugging boxes about, cleaning and serving customers and yes I am lucky for the environment I’m in, but a job is a job!!

Fedupwife28 · 29/05/2023 05:37

OP, you are a midwife. You’re making out like you have some easy, laidback job that you just do on the side to bring in a bit of pocket money. You need to know your value and worth, because it seems like being married to your husband who clearly doesn’t value you(!) has made you lose sight of who you are. What would you think if a woman in your care made a similar disclosure in pregnancy? That she was expected to work as much as possible, pay for half but also provide all childcare and run the home whilst her DH reaped the benefits of this arrangement.
Not that you should have to do this, but in the event that you decide to leave this selfish man, I’d keep your contracted hours as a midwife and then probably do bank/extra shifts as and when as you’ll likely earn far more doing this than your second job? There are always extra shifts going due to short staffing imo.

crazyaboutcats · 29/05/2023 05:58

He earns more then you but you pay for half of all the family expenses plus all of the childcare by yourself

He wants you to work and earn more so you do and still do all of the childcare and housework (I presume ?) yourself and he won't use any time off for childcare when that is what you are using all or most of yours for

There is such a disparity in labour that your 18 year old daughter is filling in despite having her own job and it not being her responsibility to do so

And his answer is that this is all your fault for selfishly wanting to work

Sunnysunbun · 29/05/2023 06:31

He doesn’t want to take time off to spend with his child.
He doesn’t want to see this from your point of view. He seems surplus to requirement.

helpplease01 · 29/05/2023 07:00

crazyaboutcats · 29/05/2023 05:58

He earns more then you but you pay for half of all the family expenses plus all of the childcare by yourself

He wants you to work and earn more so you do and still do all of the childcare and housework (I presume ?) yourself and he won't use any time off for childcare when that is what you are using all or most of yours for

There is such a disparity in labour that your 18 year old daughter is filling in despite having her own job and it not being her responsibility to do so

And his answer is that this is all your fault for selfishly wanting to work

This post makes it very clear. It's beyond unreasonable. Seriously.. you don't have to settle for this.

Frankie2018 · 29/05/2023 07:09

It's not providing child care. It's looking after his own child. It's not a favour he's doing. And if bills are split 50/50 ( which is unfair anyway if his income is higher) then after school club should be 50/50 too. If he was my son I would mince him.

CaptainMum · 29/05/2023 07:36

No, you pay more than half of everything. Earning less. And contributing more to childcare and I'm guessing the mental load and household tasks. Can you not see how unequal your relationship is? Your 'D'H is taking advantage of your love for your child to have a more comfortable life at your expense. It's pathetic and he should be ashamed. I expect he's not and instead spends 'his' extra money on toys for himself. You're a midwife- What would you say to a woman in your position? Is it fair? Is it financial abuse? Is she cared for and respected? Is the child?

I think the modern idea of woman working and being independent has blinded you to the other side of that ideal. Men step up and parent equally too. Contribute to the household chores equally etc. I'm not suggesting you jump to divorce, but a serious chat bringing some assertiveness about your role and contributions is needed.

PinkyFlamingo · 29/05/2023 07:36

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:54

One minute he’s telling me I need to work full time, so I got a second job and now I’m being selfish expecting him to take days of his holiday to help me.
the second job fits in well (term time) but child care is harder during holidays.
I love my new job and I don’t want to give it up as the team are lovely and it gets me out of the house.
I am paying all of the after school club fees so I don’t see how I can win in this situation?
I don’t want to come across that our son is a burden because obviously he’s not at all but I really don’t know why all of the child care falls on me to arrange? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Because you're married to a selfish pig who only thinks of himself thats why. He won't change. And when we are at it why is the after care costs all your responsibility? Same answer. God knows why you are putting up with this.