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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t share child care

238 replies

Annaliese2015 · 27/05/2023 12:15

Can anyone please tell me if I’m being unreasonable?
my husband and I both work, he works full time and I have just taken on a second job so I also now work full time (2 separate jobs). I worked part time to fit around child care but now my son can go to after school club I am able to work more hours.

my husband earns more than I do which I fully appreciate however he is treating me getting a second job as a treat for me and refuses to take any time off during half terms to look after our son as he sees my jobs as inferior to his.

This is the text message I received from him when I asked him to take a day off to look after our son so I can work:

”I’ve always worked full time you have always worked part time now you want to work extra hours every one else has to change around you I’m not using all my holiday just so you can work that not fair”

I need some neutral perspective on this, am I in the wrong here? if not how do I get him to share time off.
for the 6 weeks holiday I have booked off 2 weeks (max I can take during half terms) but he refuses to use his holiday so I can go to work and book time off.

Does anyone have any advice on this please?

OP posts:
Moonyblue · 27/05/2023 17:45

Reading your updates! Your husband is completely unfair to you.

It may not have been so magnified before as you had the support of your mother! I would seriously ask you to sit down and work out if your quality of life is better being married to this man. Honestly it sounds like you are at a disadvantage in every aspect.

Thesharkradar · 27/05/2023 17:47

I need advice on how to make him understand that he is an equal parent and I should be able to equally share time off with him so it’s not always my responsibility
he wont listen to you, you are a mere woman and he doesn't take orders from subordinates or give any heed to their opinions. In his mind he is the boss, he does as he pleases and you do as you are told

MostlyHappyMummy · 27/05/2023 17:49

Wow - can only echo was everyone else has said
You would be better off separating
Shockingly selfish behaviour from your husband

RedDoughnut · 27/05/2023 17:51

Honestly?! He is an arse.

You don't have to pay 50% when you earn less. This is not a loving, supportive relationship

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/05/2023 18:00

WTF is wrong with these men? He thinks it's unfair that he should have to provide care for his child? Why isn't he clamouring to spend as much time as he can with his child? Your poor child growing up with a father who sees looking after him as a chore rather than a gift. My DH cherishes the time he gets to spend with his son.

emmetgirl · 27/05/2023 18:01

I couldn't stay with a twat like that. I definitely couldn't have sex with him. It'd turn me right off.

Samanabanana · 27/05/2023 18:09

Why do you think it's ok that you pay the full childcare bill? You would be financially better off without him and you may as well be as you do everything yourself already.

Sunshinegirl82 · 27/05/2023 18:28

I earn quite a lot more than DH and have an "important job" I still manage to do 50% of school runs, take time off to cover holidays and when our DC are sick.

I also pay more of our family expenses (we work backwards so we both end up with the same "pocket money" after family expenses are paid).

I know this isn't about money for you OP but the financial situation is indicative of the relationship as a whole it seems. Your DH knows that he has more money than you and more free time than you, he knows it's unfair, but he doesn't seem to care. I would honestly think really hard about the relationship and whether it's right for you and your DC.

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 18:28

You have facilitated home work full time for years and paid 50:50, unless you earn the same his him you've been taken for a mug.

If he won't do HIS share of childcare then tell him you will no longer be paying 50% you will be paying proportional to your income after deducting 50% of childcare costs that enable you BOTH to work.

Angry

I wound be investigating divorce tbh.

Riceball · 27/05/2023 18:48

Forget breaking even. Your ‘D’H has actually made money off you in the years since you had your son OP. You are the reason he’s got more money.
I hope you realise soon that you and your child are worth more than this.

aloris · 27/05/2023 18:52

I think the issue IS money. If he earns more, he should pay more. But he doesn't - he expects you to pay half. At the same time, he expects you to work fulltime but also handle all the childcare. Handling all the childcare makes it harder for you to earn equally as him. It's just a vicious cycle of him using you as free childcare and acting as if your care for the children is not worth either respect or an equal share of the family resources.

I believe that men tend to consider childcare an unskilled, minimum wage thing. This is, I'm sure, partly because daycare workers are paid so little. But the correct way to evaluate the childcare provided by a mother is not to compare it with a daycare worker, because they are not equivalent. In addition, daycare workers do not care for your sick child. They are not open all hours of the day or night in case you need to work late or travel for work. I once paid a babysitter 200 to watch one of my kids overnight while I took the other to the emergency room, on a day when my husband was out of town. Does your husband consider that sort of cost in his low valuation of your work? I doubt it.

NoSquirrels · 27/05/2023 19:00

I know you say you didn’t want it to be about money, but it is, isn’t it?

He earns more than you, you’re married but you pay 50% of everything and 100% of childcare costs for your joint child.

What happens to his extra salary? What is it spent on?

You can’t force him to take time off. (He’s a twat.) But if he refuses, you could definitely say that in that case you’ll need to pay for school holiday childcare so you’ll be reducing your contribution to the joint finances to pay for that. No more 50% contribution ti the mortgage and bills. Summer camps are pretty expensive if you need 4 weeks of them.

It will be about money.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 19:04

'I believe that men tend to consider childcare an unskilled, minimum wage thing'

Men like this. And, whilst simultaneously not being able to do it themselves. Not even for an hour. It's actually incredible marketing they've pulled off 'it's incredibly easy and basically valueless, except I can't do it because it's too hard.'

Sunshinegirl82 · 27/05/2023 19:20

Perhaps you should offer to explain to him OP, how you have managed to be able to work full time and also provide childcare for your DC?

Clearly, your DH's negotiation and/or time management skills are inferior to yours which is why he appears unable to do something that you can. I'm sure he'll be open to developing his skill set.

CuriousGeorge80 · 27/05/2023 19:33

I would honestly divorce a man like this: I would rather do it alone than facilitate him being a cunt.

RandomUsernameHere · 27/05/2023 19:35

Are there any holiday activity clubs available that your son would enjoy? YANBU but at the same time it may not be a long term solution for your DH to take annual leave to look after your DS. I've already used or booked off nearly all of mine already for the year.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/05/2023 18:06

CuriousGeorge80 · 27/05/2023 19:33

I would honestly divorce a man like this: I would rather do it alone than facilitate him being a cunt.

This with bells on

Achwheesht · 28/05/2023 18:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LaDamaDeElche · 28/05/2023 18:19

You can't make someone see what they don't want to. Just by explaining things as you have on here a normal person would see that they were wrong, a person who earns more than their partner wouldn't expect their partner to pay half of everything plus all of the childcare. You seem more focussed on wanting MN to give you advice to help your husband see the injustice, rather than focussing on his actual behaviour and how utterly contemptuous, dismissive and disrespectful it is. My DP isn't DD's dad, but he has ferried her around, looked after her when I was working and made arrangements to cover childcare when we both couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel about my marriage if my child's birth father refused to do this.

3boysmom · 28/05/2023 18:25

Your husband seems to be living in the 1980's. You should be a team and take equal share of childcare. I assume that like a huge amount of working mums you do the majority share of household tasks, shopping and school run? Also, have not promoted your own career in order to have more time with your son? I also wonder what your husband does with his precious leave if not taking the opportunity to spend time with his family.

greyhairnomore · 28/05/2023 18:28

There's no way I'd be paying half of everything if he was earning more.

ThistleTits · 28/05/2023 18:35

You have worked pt because you were caring for his child. He's behaving like you're off on some sort of jolly. You're married to an absolute arsehole. Leave the 2nd job or bin him.

Parkandpicnic · 28/05/2023 18:40

Not sure why you don’t just use childcare?

Hollyppp · 28/05/2023 18:45

OP this is absolutely crazy and I think you’ve been putting up with it so long you can’t see.

childcare costs should be 50:50 at minimum but really should be proportional to salary (eg my husband pays 2/3 and I pay 1/3 as that is proportional for us).
Bills and mortgage should be the same.)
He probably has tons of savings and you have no money for yourself?

if you love the second job don’t quit it but quit the first job, you should have to be doing 2 jobs because he says so.

Mummyto2rugrats · 28/05/2023 18:51

Hi option is he pays for holiday club or he books time off. You have booked your max leave of but there are 5-6 weeks in summer to cover
I buy 10 days extra per yer and I have to be firm with my other half when he books days or 1/2 days here and there and not in school holidays there are 13weeks minimum to cover I get 24days plus bank holidays and work minimum 40hr week I'm lucky that I can work from home and they are y7 and y8 now but still too young to be left at home imo for around 9 /9.5hr

My dh doesn't buy extra days but he may start having to he can't work from home due to his job but I'm really getting annoyed that he doesn't even think of the school holidays hence me pushing the agenda

Don't let him not think about it or take responsibility. You are doing two jobs I assume for the financial benefit of the family and your personal pension so it maybe less than what he is on but it is still significant and they are both your kids not just "yours"

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