Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

264 replies

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:07

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

OP posts:
LadyKenya · 27/05/2023 12:12

Maybe, but will it not benefit your children? Their well being is what would be more important to me.

Original poster
travelle · 27/05/2023 12:14

LadyKenya · 27/05/2023 12:12

Maybe, but will it not benefit your children? Their well being is what would be more important to me.

I think it would be better for them if their dad looked after them. They'd really enjoy it and bond with him more. He will take a back seat when his mum and sister are there and let them do everything. I don't think that's better for them.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 27/05/2023 12:16

If they are cared for why does it matter? Juts because you don't want it doesn't mean it should not happen

Unless they are abusive? Or it is you just have issues?

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 27/05/2023 12:18

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

YANBU

The post above is spot on.

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2023 12:20

Now you’ve done a test run for a business trip you are probably due a few days solo holiday - say I saw how much help you needed to cover for me since I do everything at home and it highlighted for me that I don’t get any of that support and I need a break so I’m off for a few days on x, you will have to manage again. If your mum take some leave and pretend you are me except dont have to work and look after the dc! Thanks!

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 27/05/2023 12:21

What’s the point of him?

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 12:22

Is he taking time off work to look after them or do they need to come and care for them so he can carry on coming home after bed time?

NerrSnerr · 27/05/2023 12:22

This annoys me- it happens here too. I'm in a group of neighbours who all have similar age kids. My husband works away a lot and I just get on with it and juggle the kids and work. My neighbour sometimes works away and her husband is a HERO. People on the school run (especially the grandmothers) fawn over him and how it must be so hard juggling his big man's job and the children. He even asked if I could take his daughter to an activity my kids don't even do the other week, even though my husband was also away (of course I said no).

rwalker · 27/05/2023 12:23

Where is he is when u doing drop offs tea and bed

pikkumyy77 · 27/05/2023 12:24

His family don’t care for you and they baby him. He takes the same attitude to you. He doesn’t spend any more time or effort on you thsn one spends with the nanny/cleaner while she does her job. You are a caretaker, he thinks, so just get on with it with out complaint.

Naturally he and his family treat his experience completely differently. He is having an emergency as a key worker is missing! And as for his family: they can finally play with all the toys once the mean governess is away.

escapingthecity · 27/05/2023 12:25

My DH is like this. If I'm away he will ask people over to help him out. I always just get on with it. BIL is the same.

Christmascracker0 · 27/05/2023 12:25

If you told DH, DMIL and DSIL that you were finding everything tough on your own, would they help?

Galliano · 27/05/2023 12:26

This happened in our house when I went away twenty years ago for work for a week leaving DH with 8,7 and 1 year olds but even my own mother (then a head teacher so not high on free time) got involved in the rallying! It’s irked me ever since but tbf was probably better for the children and at least the house was relatively straight when I got back.

Original poster
travelle · 27/05/2023 12:26

rwalker · 27/05/2023 12:23

Where is he is when u doing drop offs tea and bed

Working / commuting

OP posts:
JessandJupiter · 27/05/2023 12:26

I can see how annoying and undermining this is for you op, I would be cross too. Especially if he is using his family as a way of having to avoid bonding properly with his dc. You can’t really do much about it except wait until his family go away on holiday and you go away too and leave the dc with your dh! 😃

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/05/2023 12:28

Wading in with solidarity. My XH used to do this after we separated. I was bringing up five kids alone, 350 miles from any family help. On the rare occasions that he deigned to agree to have his kids, he would promptly shove them all in the car and drive them the 350 miles to his family, who would rally round because 'isn't he marvellous, to take all five!'

He'd have them once a year for a week. The other 51 weeks, I was on my own. And it pissed me off mightily that he couldn't even do ONE WEEK with them by himself. It was 'too difficult' apparently. Ha.

Original poster
travelle · 27/05/2023 12:29

Christmascracker0 · 27/05/2023 12:25

If you told DH, DMIL and DSIL that you were finding everything tough on your own, would they help?

Busy. And they genuinely are busy a lot of the time. I've mentioned several times that it would be life changing for me if I had company some evenings. When they come over unannounced, it's like Christmas for me tbh. They know that and I have told them. But they do have their own lives and I can't expect them to be here every night. I also don't resent them for it and just appreciate it when they do come over.

But it just annoys me that they're jumping straight to it for him. I guess. I just really wish he'd know what it was like to go it alone for a few days.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 27/05/2023 12:34

I would be very very vocal to him, his family and all and any shared acquaintances that you're so glad they have all realised how hard you're working, that you're burned out from shouldering all of the load on top of your full-time job and that it really does mean something to finally get some recognition for your hard work.

This shit does my head in. A colleague of DH's wife was very ill - surgery and a lengthy hospital stay. Oh the rallying to help him look after their two DC (baby/young toddler and early primary school). Oh he had help with shopping, cooking, bed times, school runs, you name it.

She came home and the help vanished. He was back in work working his normal hours and she was at home alone with the baby trying to recover from being seriously ill. I've never even met the woman and five years on it still pisses me off.

gamerchick · 27/05/2023 12:34

It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone

But he won because he's accustomed to having all of his needs met all of he time. You can see why it's come to that if his family are immediately stepping up.

I think I'd be saying to him how pathetic it is that he needs loads of help to look after his own kids.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 27/05/2023 12:35

What’s he for? Just for contributing to bills and adding more work for you to do? There’s so many posts about males like this I’m trying to figure out the appeal of them.

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 12:36

But how would he go to work whilst you are away if they didn't do the childcare?

What you need to do is be away when he is off work and does have to do it all.

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 12:37

It's a shame his family don't come round and spend time with you but I don't really get why people are criticising him for needing help if his work hours mean he isn't going to be able to get them to nursery if he's already at work. If he can't take time off what is he supposed to do?

OP have you invited them round at the weekend when he's working or suggested doing something nice? They might just be a bit thoughtless.

Simplelobsterhat · 27/05/2023 12:38

Is he taking time of work while you are away? If not surely he does need the extra help. In some ways I'd be more annoyed if he could suddenly do it all himself when I was away as that would suggest he could have been doing more all along but chose not to, if you see what I mean. Different if he is on leave of course.

BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 12:39

I think you probably need to stop ‘coping’ and doing everything. I know that’s difficult as we’re all conditioned to do it. I do think it’s very natural to help your own flesh and blood in a way you wouldn’t for others thpugh