DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

[travelle]

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

If he has to travel so far why don’t you move closer to his work,not as if he’s really getting to see his family. Why does he get preference of being near a family that he doesn’t see,whilst you are home alone? He’s treating you as a skivvy , as unimportant and frankly he’s callous to expect you to continue like this whilst being so unhappy. You work from home and that home can be anywhere, unless your mum lives even further away from his work,I’d be insisting on moving closer to her.
Is he really working that long every night,til past bedtime? It sounds to me as if he’s deliberately getting home when the kids are in bed so he doesn’t have the hassle.
My father was very much like that and we were always to be kept out of his way, because he had an important job and needed to relax on a night,he never ate tea with us or said goodnight to us.My childhood memories of my father until 9 were of some bloke we occasionally saw at weekends ,who was always angry and irritated,it was not a happy childhood. You really don’t want to inflict that sort of upbringing on your kids,believe me, it’s damaging and they will pick up on how unhappy you are,as myself and three brothers knew my mum was.

Im so sorry, but you're in an abusive relationship, he knows the pressure your under and doesnt care, is extremly selfish and when frustrated berates you. If you kicked him out you would still be doing the same amount of work, but would have a break when he has his time with the children.
I genuinely feel so bad that no one sees your struggle, you deserve a medal, but you also have an opportunity to break that cycle for your children and ensure that they understand that is not how you treat a partner.
If you are expecting him to change he won't, his mum has told you women are stronger and his dad eye rolls and tells you to get on with it. Its engrained in him, and they will think he is the victim. Hold you head up high, put you and your children first and let go of him. You deserve more.

Actually having had a read of your most recent posts, I don’t know how you can continue like this OP. Would you have more support if you lived near your own family? I made the mistake of moving nearer to DHs family (and further from my own) when our kids were little too…it’s such a bad idea!!

I think you're spot on. Her partner very much sounds like my ex. Now we are separated it's actually easier because I have peace and one less person to look after. I also get weekends to myself to recoup, catch up on housework etc.

Unfortunately my family are abroad anyway. So it's not an option. Before we got married I was keen to make a life closer to my family, but he was having none of that. I went along with it. So I'm also to blame. I do doesn't that a bit. I have reached out to my family for support in the last year. But that has also come at a cost really and I'm done with it too. My mum just makes it feel like it's a huge burden for her when she comes to visit or when we go to visit. Then throws it back in my face if I disagree with anything she says. It's just not worth it.

I would rather just get on with it. I do have a cleaner once a week and I do stuff like hello fresh. But husband also resents that we are spending money on stuff like that ( in laws also comment that they did everything alone and didn't waste money on cleaners etc) which of course makes me feel great ! I'm doing my best anyway. But no one sees it. All I get is criticism.

Is he off work the week you are away?

Does he not contribute financially from his job? It seems you think he does nothing and contribtues nothing and just spends his time away for himself. Could he easily get a job without weekend work and much shorter hours than he has but he refuses to do so?

It doesn't sound like you need his salary since you don't really feel he contributes in any way to your lives or the lives of your children so can he quit his job and find some part time work so he can be home more?

You might think he has a sweet life while you toil away, but he might actually really value and want more time at home and less time commuting and working.

It’s sounds like they will be safe, having lots of fun which is most important. Maybe family and friends know DH will struggle and are want to help. However…this happens in my circle of family and friends as well and my DH is very capable managing alone. When I work away, people rally with play date offers, sleepovers etc and then they marvel at what an amazing dedicated Dad he is for looking after (his own children). Yes he is a very good dad but if he didn’t do his fair share , he wouldn’t be my DH 😂. Now, When I look after them alone…it is expected and no comments that I am a marvel. It sucks a bit. I bit my tongue.

@Freefall212 I never said he does nothing. He doesn't have a sweet life at all. As for 'needing' the salary, probably not to be honest. We could live well without it. But we both want more. Which is why we both work.

I never said he does noting. I just think that I spend a lot of my time, thinking of ways to make his life easier and how to make him happy. I'm not sure he does the same back.

He sounds like a prize.

You both work hard but the difference is that you actually give a shit about your life partner and he doesn't give a shit about his life partner.

I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

He must understand that it’s tough for you which is why he’s got help. As a sister and a sister in law I wouldn’t want to help with my nieces and nephews on a weekly basis but would be happy to help with them on the odd occasion like the one described. From what you say he’s not there much either so I don’t see why you begrudge him the help. Why would you want him to have an awful experience with your children? He’s going to appreciate what you do day in, day out by the time you return home whether he’s had help or not.

But you both working full time isn't working. Neither of you are happy. You are both tired and miserable. Is materalism really that important at the expense of your wellbeing, your children getting to have a father involved in their lives, and your marriage?

I don't get this attitude at all. Everyone's life is awful and we are all misereable and don't like each other and our family is crumbling but hey at least we can buy more stuff.

OP if you don’t respect yourself, no one will. Why are you putting up with being a doormat and trying to please everybody at the expense of your own health? I would try to get some therapy to better understand your behaviours annd how they are impacting on your wellbeing. Are you of a different culture to British or DPs family are? Some things you mention feel like you may be of an Eastern culture which may change things and perspectives

Because no-one has any appreciation just how hard OP is working -they are all taking her for granted.

Have you any idea how sodding disheartening that is?

@travelle - I totally understand where you are coming from. It would pee me off, too.

I can’t believe anyone’s trying to defend him! He sounds like a useless sack of shit. I get it, it’s not his long hours working that are the crux of the issue - it’s his lack of appreciation and consideration for you, his taking you for granted, his base assumptions that as a woman this stuff is just intrinsic to you and doesn’t need recognition. I would honestly book yourself a week off and bugger off on a solo holiday with very little notice, or divorce the entitled so and so.

Ugh yes this annoys me. When I leave town my husband is invited over to people's houses for dinner every night, when he leaves town do you think the kids and I get invited?

Same thing at big family get togethers, the women prep all the food while the men sit around.

Used to piss me off SO MUCH when I left my own babies with husband, and he NEEDED to know how hard it was, when someone would immediately offer to help him.

Why don’t you split the lie ins? From your posts it doesn’t seem like he cares or appreciates you. I honestly think that is the key. Yes both of you have hard jobs, but is relaxation/ leisure time split equally? Do you show gratitude to each other for your contributions? You need to be equal partners or you won’t last.

I get this. When I go away my MIL always invites DH round for dinner so the poor thing doesn't have to cook.

Fully agree with this
Yanbu

This shit pisses me off. He (and his family) are perpetuating to your children that childcare is women's work. All they will see is mum does it or other female relatives have to step in because a man is not seen as naturally capable even when they are his own kids. 😡

Op works from home, her husband doesn't.

Do you really believe that any woman who works at a job where she isn't able to take her kids to school on her own and pick them up on her own due to her work hours nad work commitments is truly an incapable parent who should be dumped by her husband?

Having worked shift work shifts at hospital, I can tell you there are many women who can't do it solo (if their husbands / partners are away). They 100% hve to have help due to their work hours and work responsibilites. I always find it odd when people make these sweeping determinations that people are useless and terrible parents and should be kicked to the curb because they have work responsibilities that mean they rely on their spouse (or others in their spouses absensce) to ensure their children are well looked after.

What’s that got to do with the fact that the DH is seemingly unable to care for his children alone when the OP goes away?

Many parents are unable to care for their children alone when their spouse is away - as children can't be left alone while they are at work, and often school starting and ending hours are during the work day. They need help to get their kids to and from school or to look after their kids until they get home from work.

They are unable to do it alone as they can only be in one place at a time and not all jobs let you only work school hours. So many parents have to rely on other childcare providers or family to help - just like OPs DH will have to. He either would need to call off from work for the week or have family help him.

OP works from home so she is in a completely different position than her DH and clearly has a flexible job that she can work flexible hours and come and go as needed so that she would always be able to do it on her own.

Relying on help for childcare doesn't make one a complete and total loser who doesn't deserve to be a parent.

The OP has repeatedly said that her DH is off work the majority of the time that she’s away, and that is when the family are ‘helping’. Not just helping when the DH is at work.

Just tell him.