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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

264 replies

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:07

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

OP posts:
RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 27/05/2023 13:00

pikkumyy77 · 27/05/2023 12:24

His family don’t care for you and they baby him. He takes the same attitude to you. He doesn’t spend any more time or effort on you thsn one spends with the nanny/cleaner while she does her job. You are a caretaker, he thinks, so just get on with it with out complaint.

Naturally he and his family treat his experience completely differently. He is having an emergency as a key worker is missing! And as for his family: they can finally play with all the toys once the mean governess is away.

What are you smoking?

There's a kernel of truth in what you say but JFC the hyperbole of you!

thecatinthetwat · 27/05/2023 13:00

I think you need to change this set up op. He’s not seeing his kids. Surely that’s a big problem. And you are doing everything. The less time people spend with their kids the less they appreciate how hard it is. But more importantly, where’s the relationship here?

Augend23 · 27/05/2023 13:02

How many hours a day/week is he out the house?

It doesn't sound like a great set up, and it might well be a choice he's making to work those hours but if he's out before nursery drop off and not home until everyone is in bed and that's 6 days a week that sounds exhausting for him as well.

It in no way excuses how he's treating you, particularly your description of what was going on while you were ill, but it also sounds like an exhausting set up for both of you.

Stripedbag101 · 27/05/2023 13:02

was there a conscious decision/ discussion that you would do the majority of the child raising or have you just fallen into it?

what would happen if your job became more demanding?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss what you want out of family life - your husband isn’t contributing emotionally or practically to your family. Can he reduce his hours or change jobs. Women would be expect to do this - how would he cope if you worked these hours out of the home. Would he step up?

it depresses me that the world is still so sexist.

Sarahtm35 · 27/05/2023 13:04

I would be livid. I would probably contact his family, express my feelings and ask for their support with this.
I wouldn’t care if it made me look petty, why should anybody have to harbour resentment to save others the hassle of dealing with that resentment. It’s not hard for them just to leave him to it and it’s not hard for him to deal with the load himself. It will do him good to experience what you go through.
stick to your guns, contact his family and don’t sit with this annoyance.

BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 13:04

I do not see any issues here at all. He works so he pays for a lot of stuff, you have the ideal job - being home with the kids also. You don't have a family to help you, but he does. This is a lovely balanced way of living.

Original poster
travelle · 27/05/2023 13:05

Augend23 · 27/05/2023 13:02

How many hours a day/week is he out the house?

It doesn't sound like a great set up, and it might well be a choice he's making to work those hours but if he's out before nursery drop off and not home until everyone is in bed and that's 6 days a week that sounds exhausting for him as well.

It in no way excuses how he's treating you, particularly your description of what was going on while you were ill, but it also sounds like an exhausting set up for both of you.

He's really exhausted. So am I. It's not the ideal set up right now. The difference is that I try to make his life easier at all times. I don't feel he considers making mine easier.

OP posts:
TripleDaisySummer · 27/05/2023 13:06

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of

I think this is the problem and the understandable resentment this is building in you.

On very rare occasions this has happened with us DH being left with kids and IL tried to help takeover - DH been deeply offended with idea he couldn't cope with his own house and kids.

HoldingTheDoor · 27/05/2023 13:07

Recently I was really ill and he looked after them for the majority of the day and proceeded to berate me / how I keep the house and how I don't support him enough and he doesn't have enough time to focus on his work. Just for one day.

WTAF? They both work full time yet she's doing pretty much all of the household tasks and childcare? How on earth is that balanced?

HoldingTheDoor · 27/05/2023 13:07

Or lovely. It's far from lovely.

SpringMum30 · 27/05/2023 13:09

I do sympathise. I have 4 young children and it’s the same here although we are separated now. I do everything for them alone the majority of the time. He has them much less but will have everyone rally around him. Whilst it is frustrating and you’re feelings are valid as pp said the main thing is that they’re being cared for. That’s better than him being alone and their needs not being met. With that said he needs to appreciate that you do not have that same support around you and the toll that takes

Original poster
travelle · 27/05/2023 13:09

BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 13:04

I do not see any issues here at all. He works so he pays for a lot of stuff, you have the ideal job - being home with the kids also. You don't have a family to help you, but he does. This is a lovely balanced way of living.

Eh - I work and pay for a lot of stuff too.. how come you didn't mention that. I don't have family near and he does. We only moved here because he wanted to be near his family !

OP posts:
TripleDaisySummer · 27/05/2023 13:09

The difference is that I try to make his life easier at all times. I don't feel he considers making mine easier.

Why - he a grown ass adult and a parent - why are you doing this - I would consider giving him clear instructions on how he could make your life easier and see if that has any effect.

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2023 13:12

Ah whenever I am vocal about it, I'm met with eye rolls. His father said to me recently we just have to get on with it and stop complaining.
ah fil you’re so right, you’ve exactly hit the problem there. If Dh would only get on with some parenting for a change then I could stop complaining. He won’t even start much less get on with it, so you see what I have to put up with.

Dervel · 27/05/2023 13:15

Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the hearts of others - it only changes yours…

FriendsDrinkBook · 27/05/2023 13:15

I understand op. When I was hospitalised years ago exh had the neighbour doing the school run for the biggest child. And he had his dad over to help with the toddler. He also lived on takeaways over those 4 days. I genuinely struggle to understand what he actually did while I was away. He's an ex for a reason.

Stripedbag101 · 27/05/2023 13:15

BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 13:04

I do not see any issues here at all. He works so he pays for a lot of stuff, you have the ideal job - being home with the kids also. You don't have a family to help you, but he does. This is a lovely balanced way of living.

What a depressingly sexist and limited view of life!

people always assume women are content to stay at home with the kids and do bloody everything - the double standards are breathtaking.

not everyone is bree van set camp — happy to be home in an apron while the man does the work. OP works too!!!

darjeelingrose · 27/05/2023 13:17

BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 13:04

I do not see any issues here at all. He works so he pays for a lot of stuff, you have the ideal job - being home with the kids also. You don't have a family to help you, but he does. This is a lovely balanced way of living.

The funny thing about how stupid this is, is that the whole point of the post, is that she is going away on a business trip. And yet it is the ideal job for being home with the kids? And the first line says, I work full time. This is not a hard to read post or a drip feed, how on earth did you get from that that the OP has a balanced life? She works full time. The only thing she doesn't have is the commute, and what's more, she does everything around the house because she is there. What do you think that "lovely balanced" actually means?

DisquietintheRanks · 27/05/2023 13:18

Could you sit down with him and take a look at your lives to see how they could be made less busy and stressful for both of you? Would he engage with that ?

At any rate, maybe you should work a bit less hard at making his life easier. Instead focus that energy on considering yourself.

DanceMonster · 27/05/2023 13:19

BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 13:04

I do not see any issues here at all. He works so he pays for a lot of stuff, you have the ideal job - being home with the kids also. You don't have a family to help you, but he does. This is a lovely balanced way of living.

The OP works too.

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 13:21

The more you post the more it's clear he's actually not a team player. His attitude when you were ill is truly awful Angry

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2023 13:22

WandaWonder · 27/05/2023 12:16

If they are cared for why does it matter? Juts because you don't want it doesn't mean it should not happen

Unless they are abusive? Or it is you just have issues?

How about their father actually spending some time with them?

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2023 13:23

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:54

Recently I was really ill and he looked after them for the majority of the day and proceeded to berate me / how I keep the house and how I don't support him enough and he doesn't have enough time to focus on his work. Just for one day.

Show quote history

Then he's a pig and you're on a hiding to nothing

quiettimes · 27/05/2023 13:30

Christ - some of these comments are ridiculous. Working from home is work. It’s obviously going to be tiring to work your full time job, whilst simultaneously providing full time childcare and doing house shit. You know employers that allow for WFH expect parents to use childcare? Because they’re not paying their employees to ignore their job and put the laundry on and look after their children on work time. It’s not “lovely that OP gets to be home with the kids”. It’s impractical. Something has to give and it’s clearly OP’s mental health.

I think this boils down to no one caring about your feelings in this.

WimbyAce · 27/05/2023 13:32

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

Yes this is good. I can see why you feel like you do.