DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

[travelle]

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

It's always about the man! People assume mums just cope. My sister says they told us we could have everything - (jobs and families) and it's a lie really, much too knackering if you end up in that group of women who do most of the work.

Your response is completely minimising that the op is away on a business trip, your comments sound like the op is off on her jollies. Why the assumption it's a weekend? The op is not off for a break she's working.

We are always reminded by my in laws though that their son works so hard and poor him. But zero sympathy or recognition for what I do. He gets a lot of recognition and sympathy for what he goes through. Rightly so
Please do tell us OP, what he "goes through". I imagine it's not such a big deal as he makes out and you all swallow. If, as you say, finances aren't a big issue why's he working 6 days a week? He sounds like a typical workaholic, they don't need to do it but it gets them out of domestic drudgery and also provides a handy stick to beat you with. Win win for him.

You get it on here all the time, "you cope because you just have to". If that was true we'd have no social services. It's bollocks that everyone "just copes".

We should want better for ourselves than coping by the skin of your teeth.

Sorry, but no. Only someone with no experience of a well paid job would write something like this because it shows a complete lack of understanding of the expectations that come with a high salary, especially post pandemic.

I'm in the process of leaving a job now because the hours have been ridiculous. My employer has halved the size of the team since 2019 with no investment in improved or more efficient processes. Hours have been 8 to 8 and weekend work. It's regulatory work so you either do it or risk your professional membership as well as your job. Believe me, I don't do it because I want to avoid a bit of vacuuming or laundry.

I'm moving to a new job but truth be told this is happening everywhere at the moment. You enter a professional environment and people think you should live for work. I'd happily do something lower paid and step up in other areas, but I think that's more likely to end up in a blow up that I'm paying less child maintenance than that I can do more childcare sadly!

Your response is completely minimising that the op is away on a business trip, your comments sound like the op is off on her jollies. Why the assumption it's a weekend? The op is not off for a break she's working.
no, maybe I phrased it wrong, it was literally just hope it goes well for her, goes ok, she has a good time etc. nothing to read into it- it’s not a jab at her, just she’s all stressed about something and hope she ends up getting on ok!

"He sounds like a typical workaholic, they don't need to do it but it gets them out of domestic drudgery and also provides a handy stick to beat you with. "

This one.

I'm sorry that you are under so much pressure at work that your only choice is to leave for a better work/life balance but please don't insult me. Maybe I'm not up to speed with post covid working practices, but we have been high earners for decades (nearing retirement now) - enough to put our DC through independent schooling, to have a second home abroad and to be mortgage free on both our home and business premises. Difference is that it's OUR business so we set the hours and conditions.

Many years ago I worked for a multinational and saw first hand how the male employees with young families would hang around at the office when they didn't need to. They'd call their wives and say they had to work late when they really didn't. Got them out of domestic duties and earned them sympathy as they were working sooo hard. We had a neighbour who did it too, he admitted to my husband. It goes on all the time.

Yeah, so you're nearly retired so probably sufficiently senior already to have avoided the absolute hell that professional life has become for middle managers especially since the pandemic!

I can't comment on those male employees with young families staying late because I've never met one.

So you'd chose to do a hard physical job, six days a week just to get of throwing the vacuum round, loading the dishwasher and tucking junior up in bed ?. Are both suns out on your planet today ?.

Many years ago I worked for a multinational and saw first hand how the male employees with young families would hang around at the office when they didn't need to. They'd call their wives and say they had to work late when they really didn't. Got them out of domestic duties and earned them sympathy as they were working sooo hard. We had a neighbour who did it too, he admitted to my husband. It goes on all the time

I agreed, Ive seen this in several companies over several decades. Some of these men take a couple of hours at lunchtime to go to the gym or have a long lunch . Then tell their wives they have to work late , all to avoid having to do anything at home.

Many, many women found this out over lockdown, when their supposedly hardworking husbands were WFH and they saw how much pissing about they did and still finished at 4pm.

I've honestly never met anyone like this but I work in the City and there's just a lot of work to do. When I've worked in smaller firms some of the women have had a tendency to gossip (e.g. when I work with a man, they tend to tell me the work to do and I get on with it. When I work with a woman she wants to know where I've been on holiday, where I'm going on holiday, why I'm so tall, how many children I have, what their names are and they want to give me all this detail too) and be away from their desks a bit but I've never really known anyone to mess around so much that they're working overtime as a result. Also, the gender stereotypes based on our narrow experiences probably aren't very accurate of the bigger picture.

Especially not now, post pandemic. I've never known a situation where employers are demanding so much and everyone I speak to seems to be in the same boat.

I work in the city and have definitely seen the behaviour the posters you have quoted describe.

@DanceMonster Maybe I can look forward to a gentler pace of life when I start my new job then!