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Original poster

DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

264 replies

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:07

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 28/05/2023 19:12

How about asking them!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/05/2023 19:21

This is so common.

My DH was widowed before he and I met. He says the help offered to, and attitudes toward, him compared to a female he was friends with from a support group was quite staggering. She was also judged much more harshly when struggling and expected to be coping much quicker.

It definitely sounds like you have a bit of a DH problem though. He seems to have no appreciation of what you do and that’s not on at all.

2bazookas · 28/05/2023 19:59

Wait till he realises that what you do singlehandedly needs half a dozen members of his family working together AND they still haven't got it all done they way you do.

If he doesn't realise it. I'm pretty sure his parents will enlighten him. They'll be asking him a hundred questions like "where do you keep the detergent, what time do the kids go to bed/have to get up for school" and he won't know.

Enjoy your work trip, it'll probably feel like a holiday :-)

changeme4this · 28/05/2023 20:06

I’ve had this, we have a rural property/business and an external business in the construction industry.

When DH heads off it’s me on my own, when I go he has always been invited to dinner elsewhere.

Then to top it off if I put something on my FB page about my trip, one person will contact him to ensure he is ok and why am I going away…

Dweetfidilove · 28/05/2023 20:26

Is he just better at saying 'I need some support'?

As women we feel the need to martyr ourselves and don't like family interference; whereas men seem to have no such issues.

This may be a chance to request some help too, if that's what you need instead of being upset. If they then refuse, you'll know they're biased.

Goldbar · 28/05/2023 22:16

I would stop trying to make his life easier and focus on making your own life easier.

If you're not hard up, I'd also spend £££ on doing it (babysitters, takeaways, holiday camps etc) and take pleasure in rubbing his and his family's faces in it.

The first step for you is to stop caring what he and his family think. There are no prizes in trying to be the "perfect wife". These people are the type who will throw it back in your face with "a woman's work is never done".

The first thing you could do is reallocate his birthday and Christmas present budget to pay for cleaners/babysitters (but I'm quite petty!).

CelestiaNoctis · 28/05/2023 23:49

Do you need his money that badly? If not then what's the point of him working such long hours and days.

aloris · 29/05/2023 00:07

Goldbar · 28/05/2023 22:16

I would stop trying to make his life easier and focus on making your own life easier.

If you're not hard up, I'd also spend £££ on doing it (babysitters, takeaways, holiday camps etc) and take pleasure in rubbing his and his family's faces in it.

The first step for you is to stop caring what he and his family think. There are no prizes in trying to be the "perfect wife". These people are the type who will throw it back in your face with "a woman's work is never done".

The first thing you could do is reallocate his birthday and Christmas present budget to pay for cleaners/babysitters (but I'm quite petty!).

Yeah. This. These people won't respect you whether you do it all yourself or hire people to help you. None of them. So just make your own life easier and stop worrying about him. He's only worrying about himself. You do the same for yourself.

Codlingmoths · 29/05/2023 03:25

2bazookas · 28/05/2023 19:59

Wait till he realises that what you do singlehandedly needs half a dozen members of his family working together AND they still haven't got it all done they way you do.

If he doesn't realise it. I'm pretty sure his parents will enlighten him. They'll be asking him a hundred questions like "where do you keep the detergent, what time do the kids go to bed/have to get up for school" and he won't know.

Enjoy your work trip, it'll probably feel like a holiday :-)

Nah. He will notice it’s a bit harder for him whcih will make him grumpy. It won’t cross his mind that it’s because the op works her ass off.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 29/05/2023 03:45

Do the kids even know who he is? It sounds like they don’t see him at all.
I certainly wouldn’t try to make him happy, that’s not your job. It’s making you unhappy.

Haywirecity · 29/05/2023 03:47

If you're not hard up, I'd also spend £££ on doing it (babysitters, takeaways, holiday camps etc) and take pleasure in rubbing his and his family's faces in it.

I've re-read the ops posts, and maybe I've missed it, but I can't see what his family have done wrong. They make time to call round and see the op when she's on her own. What have they done that she should be horrible to them and want to rub their face in something?

Codlingmoths · 29/05/2023 03:50

Bluetrews25 · 27/05/2023 12:59

It doesn't sound like you actually like him any more, OP.
That's really sad.
Would you be better off apart?

Why would she like him? I wouldn’t like my husband if I worked and did everything else parenting and housework and he never supported me. I’d think he was a shitty dad and a shitty partner and a complete waste of space in our life.

DreamTheMoors · 29/05/2023 04:11

I know how you feel, @travelle from watching my own mum. She was a stay-at-home mum until both my siblings went to university. She started teaching, then went back to university as well and continued teaching. Night classes, weekend classes, summer school. I’d happily help with dinner and that made her feel guilty (if you can believe that).
My father never did a dish or washed a load of clothes or dusted or hoovered or did a single thing around the house - and nobody batted an eyelash because that’s what men were supposed to not do.
It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to you OR your children, and it’s setting a very bad example.
I wonder if your husband even realises this.

user1492757084 · 29/05/2023 05:24

The family understand completely the massive task you have. Therefore, they know that your husband will not cope well alone and they are just making it nice for the kids.
It will be better for you to come home to happy children and an organised house.
Enjoy your trip - focus on that - you deserve timeaway with no worries.

Sceptre86 · 29/05/2023 05:46

All of your posts sound very defeatist. If you have an issue with his lack of presence at home then surely you speak to him about it. I really don't understand why you wouldn't have talked about his job not being family friendly and what you can do about it,eg . reduced hours, compressed hours. This isn't a point where you remain passive, you need to have some sit down conversations about being unhappy with this set up.

You've also said you don't need to work yet work full time because you want more. Well then you will be tired because you are doing everything on top of a full time job. Even if he did pull his weight you'd still be tired. Either outsource everything you can or actively make changes.

What really strikes me is the competitive tiredness and the fact that you have told him that it's hard for you but he isn't helping. Ultimately its up to you to make a change. I'd not be happy in this type of relationship and would want to ditch him but you don't sound like you do. In that case, do whatever will make your life easier in terms of ordering groceries online deliveries, get the cleaner in more, use a meals on wheels type service, outsource laundry, if you can afford a housekeeper get one.

Wilkolampshade · 29/05/2023 06:00

No, I'm with you OP. It isn't fair. And as for people saying its better for the kids... well surely, the the kids wouldn't come to any actual harm if he looked after them solo for a bit? He might do things differently, and probably yes, a little less proficiently - but it would do them all good to try it out a while, not to mention 100% better role modelling for the kids.

But I DO think it's no good just resenting it. You owe it to yourself to say something and make some real changes here. Please do.

WhatALightbulbMoment · 29/05/2023 06:02

I am convinced 90% of fathers who work ridiculous hours like the op's husband actually do so because they want to avoid being at home and having to parent their kids. I highly doubt he is really spending all those hours out of the house, 6 days a week, commuting and working non-stop. If he were a mother, he'd be much more efficient at work and at home.

TiredOfCleaning · 29/05/2023 06:26

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

Agree.

I would absolutely make it clear to him and also his family when they come. laugh and say 'look how much I do with no help, and he can't even manage a week!'.

i had exactly this a few years back. DH travels extensively and for weeks at a time for work and i get on with it. I went away for a work trip for 5 days and he had neighbours prepare and drop meals off and offer to help with the school run. i was furious and also hurt that no-one seemed to care for my wellbeing as much as the poor little man expected to 'babysit' his own kids. I was pretty vocal about it with DH too and he was a bit embarrassed as he saw my point (after I explianed it to him)

Batalax · 29/05/2023 06:45

I’d be insisting on one weekend lie in each, at the very least.

P1ckledonionz · 29/05/2023 06:58

Solidarity @travelle .

YANBU.

Total double standards at play. Women are expected to provide domestic and emotional care without question and without reward but the same is not expected of men. Himpathy ensures that everyone feels sorry for your H having to do the tasks a woman (you) ought to be doing.

SchoolTripDrama · 29/05/2023 07:01

This would infuriate me and I'd be saying to them as much. The sexism!!

newtowelsplease · 29/05/2023 07:02

WhatALightbulbMoment · 29/05/2023 06:02

I am convinced 90% of fathers who work ridiculous hours like the op's husband actually do so because they want to avoid being at home and having to parent their kids. I highly doubt he is really spending all those hours out of the house, 6 days a week, commuting and working non-stop. If he were a mother, he'd be much more efficient at work and at home.

Hard agree

Museya15 · 29/05/2023 07:29

What does he do on his days off, does he help out?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 29/05/2023 07:37

You say you both want more, but what price are you willing to pay for it? Because it sounds as if it may cost you your marriage and your health.

Creamyoda · 29/05/2023 07:38

WhatALightbulbMoment · 29/05/2023 06:02

I am convinced 90% of fathers who work ridiculous hours like the op's husband actually do so because they want to avoid being at home and having to parent their kids. I highly doubt he is really spending all those hours out of the house, 6 days a week, commuting and working non-stop. If he were a mother, he'd be much more efficient at work and at home.

It certainly is the case for some, I used to work in the city in my 20s and there were some men who would pop to the pub after work and laugh and joke about telling the missus works intense at the moment I'll be late. There was also great pride by some in the fact they always missed bath and bedtime and routines and could put their feet up as soon as they were home; funny enough the women in the office who were higher grades managed to maintain a work/life balance and be more active parents.

I didn't have children at the time and although I remember thinking they were arses I didn't appreciate just how disgusting their behaviour was.

Of course this isn't the case for all, but especially if there's a commute and a decent wage involved plenty use this to their advantage to opt out of the bits they can't be bothered with. Of course conversely plenty of decent dads who would be firm with their boundaries and say I need to leave by x time to get home and talk about their children and wife with such love and respect.

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