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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

264 replies

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:07

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week.

I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it.

I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby.

I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep.

DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend.

In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/05/2023 13:33

Even if he looked after them I still don't think he would appreciate what you do tbh.

I'd rather his family be there & him not get pissed off with the kids if that would be a possibility.

Recently I was really ill and he looked after them for the majority of the day and proceeded to berate me / how I keep the house and how I don't support him enough and he doesn't have enough time to focus on his work. Just for one day.

I just don't know where to start with that.

Truestorypeeps · 27/05/2023 13:33

This reminds me of a time a friend invited me around with my wife. We came to visit and his wife wasn't there, just him and the 2 kids. After about an hour she comes storming up the drive and through the front window is practically shouting OH MY GOD, I LOOK AFTER THEM ALL WEEK BY MYSELF AND THE ONE TIME I GO OUT, YOU GET PEOPLE AROUND TO HELP?! I thought she was acting mental if I'm honest.

Truestorypeeps · 27/05/2023 13:35

You're husband sounds like an unappreciative, lazy dick. He knows it would be hard work so he's swerving this by getting in reinforcements, but at the same time doesn't value what you do. Fuck that.

lechatnoir · 27/05/2023 13:35

The more you write the more depressing it gets - seriously op, what does he bring to the table? What does he do that requires him to be out of the house 6 days a week and not get home until Dc have gone to bed. I'd put money on him choosing to be out this long to avoid having to do anything at home.

This is a miserable set up and he sounds a selfish prick of a man you would be far better off without. Come on op, you deserve better than thisSad

Begonne · 27/05/2023 13:36

Take a look at the book Fair Play. It is a really good way to open up discussions about emotional labour and may help you articulate some of these issues with him.

I had a similar situation with my in-laws - it would have helped our family dynamic so much if they would have left dh to cope by himself for one weekend. Instead they made it worse. It did galvanise me into tackling his unconscious misogyny head on.

TurquoiseDress · 27/05/2023 13:36

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

This post sums it up!

OP YANBU

ToK1 · 27/05/2023 13:38

Why are you with him?

What does he actually bring to your life except hassle?

HoldingTheDoor · 27/05/2023 13:40

It did galvanise me into tackling his unconscious misogyny head on.

I don't think there's anything unconscious about the OP's DH's misogyny.

Boardname · 27/05/2023 13:42

Sadly I doubt it would change anything for him anyway, I suspect he isn't going to voluntarily help out any more than he does or he would already be pulling his weight. Even if he found it tough I more than imagine he'd say it was easy and just hope you didn't go away again. The real issue is that he doesn't respect you and your contribution to the household rather than his family coming to help.

jeaux90 · 27/05/2023 13:46

God OP the more you post the worse this gets. He sounds like he brings nothing to your life apart from paying some of the bills.

I'm a lone parent and I'll take that any day of the week over an entitled man baby who can't cope with his own kids.

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 13:48

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

The first sensible reply to OP’s thread. The posters above you are tone deaf.

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 13:48

BeverlyHa · 27/05/2023 13:04

I do not see any issues here at all. He works so he pays for a lot of stuff, you have the ideal job - being home with the kids also. You don't have a family to help you, but he does. This is a lovely balanced way of living.

What a load of shit. OP does more than him.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/05/2023 13:51

To be honest, one short sharp shock won't do any good. I had to go into hospital between children three and four and was in for two days. When I got out my husband was weak with relief, said he didn't know how I did it, and he'd never again say that looking after the children was easy. The house was a tip, recently toilet-trained DS was back in nappies and they hadn't left the house the whole time I'd been in.

It lasted about a week. Whereupon it became 'too hard' to look after the children, so he couldn't do it unaided. Neatly ignoring the fact that I did it all the time.

Mrsphilmiller · 27/05/2023 13:51

I think you feel they are favouring helping him over you. So therefore, you feel less important in their eyes since they put his needs before your own.
It’s shit and it hurts. Sorry, I don’t have any real advice.

moose62 · 27/05/2023 13:59

Is there anything he does that makes it worth you keeping him.
Would you be happier moving near to your parents without him?
If he wasn't there would it give you the opportunity to meet someone else who is around to help you?
Can you afford a baby sitter so that you can go out in the evening and see friends?
You don't have to accept this and be a martyre!

Therealjudgejudy · 27/05/2023 14:04

How can you bare being with anyone so selfish, let alone do anything for him?

babyproblems · 27/05/2023 14:08

Op you’re right in everything you’ve said. But you know what, he’ll still find it hard. Even with their help!!! I bet he’ll moan.

Use it to your advantage afterwards if they do all come and help. Ask how it went and when they say ‘oh it was fine we had a lovely time’ ask if they would like to do Whatever once a month. And book them in!!! Also I hope you get a rest when your DH has his day ‘off’… Xox

PurpleBag · 27/05/2023 14:16

I've had this. My DH used to work away during the week occasionally and no one came near me or offered help. (not that I needed/wanted it).
I had to attend an event that meant that I was out of the house each night for a week (was still around during the day) and he was getting offers left, right and centre for help and babysitting to 'let him go to the pub one night during the week'?!
He was a bit Hmm and turned them down. Why do people still think like this?

HoboSexualOnslow · 27/05/2023 14:16

I find it really sad that he doesn't see his children, that I assume he chose to have, at all during the week.

zurala · 27/05/2023 14:16

He sounds awful OP. Does he have any redeeming qualities? Personally I would be rethinking this relationship

OttoGraph · 27/05/2023 14:17

Is their dad not capable of looking after his children alone? Why are they helping whilst you go away but don't help and rally round on normal week days?

InSpainTheRain · 27/05/2023 14:19

I can see that's a bit annoying - but it's getting the job done. However, if I were you I'd be looking to take more business trips, they won't always step in if they are that busy themselves.

openstop · 27/05/2023 14:20

Howyiz · 27/05/2023 12:17

I would point out to your husband that when he is 'in charge' it takes a village but when you do it you do it alone.
So it's either easy - hence you can do it alone or it's hard - hence why he needs help.

I would stop 'looking after him' for a start and honestly could have no respect for a man incapable of looking after his own kids solo.

This

LunaMay · 27/05/2023 14:24

Does he actually add anything positive to the family life or your life? If you're doing it all on your own anyway i would consider moving to where you have support. His choice if he follows, he'll know what changes he needs to make. Sorry excuse for a husband and father, can't believe he doesnt even give you a lie in and time out over the weekends.

Peachy2005 · 27/05/2023 14:24

Plan a few more solo trips away OP!