Page 2 | DH Family rallying around helping him with kids while I go away

travelle · 2023-05-27T11:07:49+00:00

I work full time, so does my DH. He has a physical job, which sees him out of the house 6 days a week. I have work from home computer based job. I automatically do nursery drop offs, all dinners, wake ups, all washing, most house stuff etc. I'm just there more to do it. I have dinner alone with my kids and do bed time alone, plus wake ups, plus getting them ready etc. I do all of that alone. It's tough. My family don't live nearby. I find the after work dinner time and bed time the hardest and loneliest part of my day. My DH doesn't get home until they're both asleep. DH family lives around the corner. His parents work really hard and are not around, ever at that kind of time to come around and keep us company. His siblings work from home, but don't come round often during the week. More on weekends. Which I really appreciate because I'm also alone one day every weekend. In any case, I'm going away on a business trip and everyone is rallying around and can't wait to come and help him out. I kind of wish he just did it alone. To see what it's like and what my life is like. He never gives me much credit. It's always about him being tired and me having to make sure he's taken care of. I just wish he was actually just left to do it alone. But of course, they'll all be here to help him. Yet, it's something I'm expected to do, every day on my own. Seems unfair.

Iwasafool · 27/05/2023 12:39

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 12:36

But how would he go to work whilst you are away if they didn't do the childcare?

What you need to do is be away when he is off work and does have to do it all.

Yes exactly this but then he will have less holiday time to spend with OP and the children so that might not be ideal either. It's tough with young children and everyone's situation will be different.

Original poster

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:40

JenniferBarkley · 27/05/2023 12:34

I would be very very vocal to him, his family and all and any shared acquaintances that you're so glad they have all realised how hard you're working, that you're burned out from shouldering all of the load on top of your full-time job and that it really does mean something to finally get some recognition for your hard work.

This shit does my head in. A colleague of DH's wife was very ill - surgery and a lengthy hospital stay. Oh the rallying to help him look after their two DC (baby/young toddler and early primary school). Oh he had help with shopping, cooking, bed times, school runs, you name it.

She came home and the help vanished. He was back in work working his normal hours and she was at home alone with the baby trying to recover from being seriously ill. I've never even met the woman and five years on it still pisses me off.

That poor woman. That's just so unfair.

Ah whenever I am vocal about it, I'm met with eye rolls. His father said to me recently we just have to get on with it and stop complaining.

His mother an sister have said that it's because us women are stronger. It's all bullshit.

My mum mentions to him quite frequently how much I have on my plate and is also met with eye rolls.

If I mention I'm tired etc, I am met with how tired he is. Yet I actually try to make his life easier, whereas he doesn't even try to make mine easier. He can only think as far as his own tiredness. I'm also ill. No one ever considers that things are harder for me because of that too.

I fall alseep with my kids some nights and he gets angry with me for not spending time with him. He just really doesn't know what it's like. Which is why I wished he had a few days to see it. But it's not going to happen.

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 27/05/2023 12:41

I suspect your grievance goes deeper than you realise. This work trip is almost underlining that you're not appreciated.

Going forward could your husband work shorter hours so he gets to see the children in the week? Whilst youre away l'm presuming he won't just get in at 7:30pm and it will have all been done by family? I don't think this should just be about how the working hours are split but about him doing the hands on stuff with the kids. Could you consider working a Saturday/Sunday if there's too much of a shortfall?
I believe many people believe that the primary care giver (usually mum) somehow doesn't find the day to day chores stressful or boring, but bathing, feeding, dressing etc are the backbones of parenting.

Original poster

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:42

RandomMess · 27/05/2023 12:36

But how would he go to work whilst you are away if they didn't do the childcare?

What you need to do is be away when he is off work and does have to do it all.

He's off for some of the time and working for some of it.

OP posts:

Wishawisha · 27/05/2023 12:42

I suppose the other side is that if they aren’t going to help he won’t be able to work that week.
It doesn’t sound like he’s leaving you to do the evenings and bedtimes on your own for fun - he’s at work.

I get it, my DH is rarely around to help with homework, reading record, dinner, bath, bed etc because of work. When I’m ill or not available wr need help. Sometimes family can travel to us, other times we need paid help.

Original poster

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:44

Wishawisha · 27/05/2023 12:42

I suppose the other side is that if they aren’t going to help he won’t be able to work that week.
It doesn’t sound like he’s leaving you to do the evenings and bedtimes on your own for fun - he’s at work.

I get it, my DH is rarely around to help with homework, reading record, dinner, bath, bed etc because of work. When I’m ill or not available wr need help. Sometimes family can travel to us, other times we need paid help.

I get it. But there's zero application for how hard it is. Whereas there's a lot of appreciation from me, about how hard his lot is.

OP posts:

Original poster

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:45

Wishawisha · 27/05/2023 12:42

I suppose the other side is that if they aren’t going to help he won’t be able to work that week.
It doesn’t sound like he’s leaving you to do the evenings and bedtimes on your own for fun - he’s at work.

I get it, my DH is rarely around to help with homework, reading record, dinner, bath, bed etc because of work. When I’m ill or not available wr need help. Sometimes family can travel to us, other times we need paid help.

He's off for some of the time ( most of it ).

OP posts:

Comtesse · 27/05/2023 12:46

I think you need more work trips in your future.

His attitude is infuriating. To be angry with you because you’re tired? That’s bullshit.

As is your FIL saying stop moaning. That’s bullshit too.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/05/2023 12:46

I'd take it as an opportunity to go away more yourself. "Oh DH, isn't it great that there are so many of your family wanting to share this one-person job. Sounds like you have it all completely sorted. I'll book a holiday with my friends in the summer".

BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 12:47

It sounds like he isn’t physically in the house to do the childcare though? He can’t do it if he’s not there? If you don’t have a commute and don’t work 6 days a week you do have more time to do the childcare. Wfh on a computer is physically easier than his job. It sounds like you are both working really hard but I’m not sure what your alternative is? Either one/ both reduce hours? You use childcare/ cleaner etc? You move closer to your family? His family also work it’s not really fair to ask them to step in long term

JenniferBarkley · 27/05/2023 12:48

Use this moment to put your foot down and insist on change.

What's the story with his job? Working long hours six days a week just isn't an option for most people with small kids. Is he actually working that long or is he taking the piss? Is he self employed and obsessed with working every hour to grow The Business (I've known a couple of men like this, none of them particularly successful but all Very Proud of Being Their Own Boss In A Very Manly Way).

As ever there's a logical inconsistency at play here. Either looking after the kids and all that entails is easy, in which case his life would be better if he worked less and did more of that. Or, it's really fucking hard which is why he needs help - in which case, if he loved you he'd be trying to share the load. He can't have it both ways.

What do you want? Make it very clear that the current set up isn't working for you, and your expect him to work with you to make changes that work for everyone.

TwilightSkies · 27/05/2023 12:48

He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Does he contribute anything more than money?

ssd · 27/05/2023 12:49

Totally get what you mean op

beachcitygirl · 27/05/2023 12:51

Take ill whilst he's off work on holiday & they're all working. Fake a horrific migraine/headache/bad back. Do nothing ! Zilch. Let him see whats it's like.
Lazy food for nothing twat. And see all
The women who rally round men but don't do so for women. I have no words.

Original poster

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:52

BungleandGeorge · 27/05/2023 12:47

It sounds like he isn’t physically in the house to do the childcare though? He can’t do it if he’s not there? If you don’t have a commute and don’t work 6 days a week you do have more time to do the childcare. Wfh on a computer is physically easier than his job. It sounds like you are both working really hard but I’m not sure what your alternative is? Either one/ both reduce hours? You use childcare/ cleaner etc? You move closer to your family? His family also work it’s not really fair to ask them to step in long term

I don't expect his family to do more. At all. It's fine.

I would just like him to look out for me a little bit. The way I look out for him. Small things. Kind things.

Occasionally on a weekend he could get up with the kids. I'm not saying every week. But maybe once every couple of months if I'm particularly tired. Rather than be the one to always get a lie in.

He could do small things that show that he appreciates what I do for him. He should also be thinking about me and whether I'm run down.

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MrsJellycat · 27/05/2023 12:52

OP, does he really, genuinely 'have' to work as late as he does each day? Or does he choose to? I ask that as I have heard of more than a few men that deliberately 'work late' every day to avoid all the tea time, home work, bedtime, getting ready for the next day stuff.

And yes, the rallying to help him would really fuck me off too!

Original poster

travelle · 27/05/2023 12:54

beachcitygirl · 27/05/2023 12:51

Take ill whilst he's off work on holiday & they're all working. Fake a horrific migraine/headache/bad back. Do nothing ! Zilch. Let him see whats it's like.
Lazy food for nothing twat. And see all
The women who rally round men but don't do so for women. I have no words.

Recently I was really ill and he looked after them for the majority of the day and proceeded to berate me / how I keep the house and how I don't support him enough and he doesn't have enough time to focus on his work. Just for one day.

OP posts:

HotAndStuffy · 27/05/2023 12:54

I get it OP. If they are so willing to get involved maybe take more time off for yourself and have a little trip away or a few dinners with friends.

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/05/2023 12:56

If his work is that demanding then he should be looking for something else. I doubt if he will - working long hours and doing bugger all around the house seems to suit him just fine.

HoldingTheDoor · 27/05/2023 12:56

Recently I was really ill and he looked after them for the majority of the day and proceeded to berate me / how I keep the house and how I don't support him enough and he doesn't have enough time to focus on his work. Just for one day.

My ovaries are shriveling up just reading this, You are married to a selfish twat of a man child and you and the children deserve better.

Saucemonkey · 27/05/2023 12:57

I would laugh at him and find this funny , he is drafting in an army to do what you do every day. Find it funny and tell him you do. He is a grown man getting in support to care for his own kids !

dreamonlucid · 27/05/2023 12:57

You'd be better off divorced.

He'd still support the family and you'd get weekends and evenings occasionally to yourself, and he would get the relationship with his kids (by force)

You are doing more now than if you divorced the twat, he sounds like a total brat that's been mollycoddled by his mum and sisters as the "male" and you are expected to put up and shut up.

When do you socialise, when do you see friends, when do you even have time to make friends? You sound so lonely and sad and I'm happy you're off on a work trip but I'd really be considering my options here as this isn't changing any time soon.

It's a life of being under valued.

It will pan out the same as many, you'll get some attention at a work meeting, love the attention realise that men can be lovely and supportive and friendly and bugger off with a new model.

Heres hoping anyway! Good luck OP air sounds tough and you sound lovely, but maybe get a bit angry about this as your life currently isn't your own.

purpleme12 · 27/05/2023 12:59

I get what you're saying OP

Bluetrews25 · 27/05/2023 12:59

It doesn't sound like you actually like him any more, OP.
That's really sad.
Would you be better off apart?

pikkumyy77 · 27/05/2023 12:59

“Recently I was really ill and he looked after them for the majority of the day and proceeded to berate me / how I keep the house and how I don't support him enough and he doesn't have enough time to focus on his work. Just for one day.”

This is a really horrible person that you are describing. Horrible. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear—he will not magically change into a kind and loving husband. I think you are in thr process of realizing that. Ultimately you can only change your own behavior, not his. He will not love and value you as he should. You will have to decide what to do with this knowledge.