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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my weekends disturbed?

163 replies

fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:19

Hi all. I have changed my username as I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight - thank you menopause Hmm - and cannot ascertain my level of unreasonableness.
My children go to their dad's every second weekend. They are 16 and 13 and can be quite hard work in their own ways. I do the 'nitty gritty' parenting, and my every other weekends off are incredibly important to me. I work hard all week and love just having time on my own to recharge.
My 13 year old has no need to return to my place once at her dad's for the weekend. But quite often my 16 year old will come back because she needs something from her room or whatever. Tomorrow, she and her friend are coming to my place - on my weekend off - to get ready for a concert. She will shower, put on her make-up, put on her favourite perfume, do her hair, etc. I can understand it, because all her stuff is here.
I think I'm being unreasonable because them being here will require little to no effort on my part. However I still don't like the disruption on my precious weekends off. And I don't like to say no because I don't want to be remembered as the kind of mum who grudged their presence Sad
Am I being very, very unreasonable?

OP posts:
marshmallowsforbreakfast · 26/05/2023 19:20

I think YABU but you already know that. It's their home, don't make them feel unwanted for the sake of a few hours peace.

Bearonthestair · 26/05/2023 19:21

Yes. It's her home. How can your own child getting ready in her room disturb you? She's 16 not a needy toddler.

FloweryName · 26/05/2023 19:22

I completely understand where you’re coming from because I remember feeling the same when my teenagers did similar when I’d gotten used to them being away all weekend if they were with their Dad.

You do just have to grit your teeth and deal with it though. Your home is your children’s home too and it would be awful if they felt unwanted there.

stayathomer · 26/05/2023 19:22

Yes sorry but if course you are! I think you need to break this cycle and mix it up- embrace when they come back sometimes and have a fun night in perhaps?

crimsonlake · 26/05/2023 19:23

Yes, it seems unusually unreasonable tbh.
I think at 16 you are lucky that your daughter still wants to spend the weekend with her dad. Brace yourself for the time she stops as her time with friends will be more important.

Bearonthestair · 26/05/2023 19:24

And I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure once she moves out as soon as she can, she won't come back too much to visit. You know, in case you are disturbed.

Plankingplanks · 26/05/2023 19:24

Hahaha. I had this conversation with my ex this week.... I never get a weekend without either the 16 or 13 yo coming home for a bit! I've banned them this weekend and feel bad for it, but I never have a break.

lakesummer · 26/05/2023 19:25

Honestly I think this is a wee bit daft.
It's your child's home as well as yours.

Maybe try and look at other ways you can get some recharge moments when your dc are in the house.

Doingmybest12 · 26/05/2023 19:25

It's her home. YABU

BuffaloCauliflower · 26/05/2023 19:26

I think you are being unreasonable, but we all are sometimes She’s coming to her own home to get ready, where I’m sure you want her to feel welcome and safe. At 16 she won’t need much from you, just keep doing what you’d do anyway.

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 26/05/2023 19:28

I think this is really awful.

The poor girl.

Napmum · 26/05/2023 19:29

Of yoi want a break go out, many of us don't get time in the house on our own most weekends. You're lucky to get so much time off parenting, although it must be hard being a single parent most of the time.

Wellhellother · 26/05/2023 19:29

Imagine being told you are unwanted in your own home

Sissynova · 26/05/2023 19:30

How much does it really disturb you for a 16 year old to just exist in her own home? It’s not like she’s 6 and you suddenly can’t relax because you have to look after them.

Fairyliz · 26/05/2023 19:31

But if you were still with your ex they would be there every weekend.
Poor kids unwanted in their own homes.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 26/05/2023 19:31

Yes you are. I'd be dancing round the bedroom with her while she got ready. Poor kid Confused

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 19:33

Yeah YABU OP. You've still got the whole weekend to yourself, and they'll only be a couple of hours.

Skinnermarink · 26/05/2023 19:33

Your weekends are only ‘un disturbed’ by virtue of you not living with her dad. I think you have an odd attitude to be honest, you’ve already said it doesn’t require any input from you.

Zingy123 · 26/05/2023 19:34

Poor kids. You sound awful. They have every right to be in their home.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/05/2023 19:37

Well, YABU, but at the same time I can 100% understand where you are coming from. So grit your teeth and be welcoming, then pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for being a good parent.

Noicant · 26/05/2023 19:38

YABU but I think I understand how you feel. No noise, no requests, no talking unless you want to.

Crabwoman · 26/05/2023 19:38

YABVVVU.

Those of us who aren't separated have our kids here 365 (or thereabouts) days of the year. There are no 'precious weekends off'.

Secondly, it's still your child's primary residence, and now she is older her schedule will change. Her nipping in and out for a few hours. When you admit you won't need to hive any input, it hardly impacts your weekend

Suck it up.

Original poster
fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:40

I'll write off this post now, as some of the replies are upsetting and over the top. I've never said they couldn't come back for whatever reason; I only wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in my own head! I can see that I was being unreasonable and can accept that. But I can't engage with some of these replies.

OP posts:
AskingForAFriend12 · 26/05/2023 19:41

Hu? Is this a joke?

pigsDOfly · 26/05/2023 19:42

Surely you mean she coming home to get ready.

The way you describe it that she's coming to "my place" to get ready is really odd. Does the poor kid not actually have her own home.

When my kids were a similar age many years ago, I have three, they never stayed longer than a few hours once a week at their father's place.

It never occurred to me that I should have 'time off' and that they were disturbing me by being in their own home.