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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my weekends disturbed?

163 replies

fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:19

Hi all. I have changed my username as I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight - thank you menopause Hmm - and cannot ascertain my level of unreasonableness.
My children go to their dad's every second weekend. They are 16 and 13 and can be quite hard work in their own ways. I do the 'nitty gritty' parenting, and my every other weekends off are incredibly important to me. I work hard all week and love just having time on my own to recharge.
My 13 year old has no need to return to my place once at her dad's for the weekend. But quite often my 16 year old will come back because she needs something from her room or whatever. Tomorrow, she and her friend are coming to my place - on my weekend off - to get ready for a concert. She will shower, put on her make-up, put on her favourite perfume, do her hair, etc. I can understand it, because all her stuff is here.
I think I'm being unreasonable because them being here will require little to no effort on my part. However I still don't like the disruption on my precious weekends off. And I don't like to say no because I don't want to be remembered as the kind of mum who grudged their presence Sad
Am I being very, very unreasonable?

OP posts:
Rainbowsandfairies · 27/05/2023 04:59

You are being unreasonable. Of course your kids can nip back to their house whenever!
I realise you're upset but it's their home! I'm sure you know you are being unreasonable.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/05/2023 05:07

I completely get it. It's your "me" time and you can indulge yourself as you please, but her coming disrupts that.

Have a conversation with her, tell her that as she is grown up enough to come and go as needed (and you're more than happy for her to do that) then you are going to treat her as grown up enough to not need your input while she's here, and then ignore her. And if you have "embarrassing" music, clothing on or have friends over or whatever, then on her head be it!!!

You might find that it becomes a nice gradual introduction to a more hands off "grown up child" relationship with her.

Zippedydoo123 · 27/05/2023 06:23

What you need to appreciate is that many single parents get little or no h elp. Ever since the pandemic my son whose dad lives 100 miles away has barely spent time with him. His main help was financial which was very little indeed anyway as he has no money. My 18 year old son is leaving on the train this morning to stay with his dad and his huge family but he has not clapped eyes on his dad and his half siblings since August last year.

I really do not think you appreciate how good you have got it.

An other friend has brought her daughter up entirely singlehandedly as the father disappeared during pregnancy has never so much as met his child never paid maintenance nothing. There are many absent fathers.

Zippedydoo123 · 27/05/2023 06:30

Though I do appreciate you have two teenagers not just one like me. I have zero family support either as my family are all deceased.

Spottedsox · 27/05/2023 06:36

Besides her belongings, is your house more homely and comfortable to get ready at?
Perhaps she can take her make-up etc on the day she is die to go.
Or is Dad just not cool to prepare around.
I wouldn't feel guilty I would be suggesting a larger travel bag.

PoussinBoussin · 27/05/2023 06:38

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Nightytwine · 27/05/2023 06:40

Of course you're not being unreasonable in your own head! You are still welcoming your daughter back but you are entitled to think and feel what you want, including resentment at having a peaceful time interrupted. This will have absolutely zero impact on your daughter. We all need space at times, however much we love someone.

SybilWrites · 27/05/2023 06:42

Some of the responses on this thread are just ridiculous!

OP, I get it too. I'm also a single parent (and I agree with the previous poster - unless you're a single parent, you really can't understand how relentless, how hard it is to parent alone) and agree that time alone can be just so replenishing. I love not having to cook a family meal.

So you may be being unreasonable, but I think it's understandable.

My older children don't go to their dads - they prefer to stay at home on my childfree weekends so only my youngest child goes to her dads now but there was a time that he found it necessary to bring her back home every day that they were away. It really irritated me!

SybilWrites · 27/05/2023 06:43

Zippedydoo123 · 27/05/2023 06:23

What you need to appreciate is that many single parents get little or no h elp. Ever since the pandemic my son whose dad lives 100 miles away has barely spent time with him. His main help was financial which was very little indeed anyway as he has no money. My 18 year old son is leaving on the train this morning to stay with his dad and his huge family but he has not clapped eyes on his dad and his half siblings since August last year.

I really do not think you appreciate how good you have got it.

An other friend has brought her daughter up entirely singlehandedly as the father disappeared during pregnancy has never so much as met his child never paid maintenance nothing. There are many absent fathers.

No, she doesn't need to appreciate that at all. It's not a race to the bottom. There isn't a scorecard to work out who has it harder.

MrsRickAstley · 27/05/2023 06:43

I am in almost similar situation. Except my DC go every Sat night till Monday so I get a bit more respite. My eldest also has 'a party this weekend' 'wants to hang out with so and so'

I alter my plans everytime. Which is annoying and perhaps I shouldn't . But I do. I think to myself, one day soon she'll not ask to come back. 🙁

I don't think you are unreasonable, I understand how important it is to have that time to switch off & not have to think about anyone else but you BUT I also think that she should be able to pop back too. Your house is her home.

BlackWhiteColour · 27/05/2023 07:02

‘And I don't like to say no because I don't want to be remembered as the kind of mum who grudged their presence’

Just grit your teeth and bear it for another couple of years if so. Your girl isn’t doing anything unreasonable or wrong. Just getting ready for a concert. It won’t be every weekend.

Otherwise you could hurt her feelings and drive a small wedge between you. Though I suspect you have probably given off vibes that you aren’t happy so she might already know.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/05/2023 07:20

This is horrible, why do you need a break from your own kids? They can't be that much hard work at that age.

Blueblell · 27/05/2023 07:27

You are being unreasonable of course but at the same time I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I would also love to have my house empty for the weekend!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/05/2023 07:55

WoolyAndYug · 26/05/2023 22:24

If you weren't separated they'd live with you full time - would you still begrudge them being in their own home? You only have such a short amount of time before they'll have properly flown the nest, parenting isn't a part time job you don't get to completely switch off.

Probably not, but then that is a completely and utterly different situation and therefore totally irrelevant to the op.

Boardname · 27/05/2023 08:11

Zippedydoo123 · 27/05/2023 06:23

What you need to appreciate is that many single parents get little or no h elp. Ever since the pandemic my son whose dad lives 100 miles away has barely spent time with him. His main help was financial which was very little indeed anyway as he has no money. My 18 year old son is leaving on the train this morning to stay with his dad and his huge family but he has not clapped eyes on his dad and his half siblings since August last year.

I really do not think you appreciate how good you have got it.

An other friend has brought her daughter up entirely singlehandedly as the father disappeared during pregnancy has never so much as met his child never paid maintenance nothing. There are many absent fathers.

That's not OPs problem is it, some people are so selfish, they think because its one way for them that anyone who dares to want better is unreasonable. Thankfully in real life most people would realise OP is a normal human being for valuing some space.

LakieLady · 27/05/2023 08:16

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me, OP.

I think it's normal to need a bit of undisturbed downtime, and horrible when you're expecting it and then get disturbed anyway.

TorviShieldMaiden · 27/05/2023 08:40

HollyBollyBooBoo · 27/05/2023 07:20

This is horrible, why do you need a break from your own kids? They can't be that much hard work at that age.

I need a break from people. Including my DP who I love very much. I can’t be around any people all the time without cracking up.

Buggeroffalo · 27/05/2023 08:52

I completely get it and totally understand. You're not being horrible at all. I work really really hard being a good parent to my kids and the time I get alone when they're with their Dad is restorative. Especially now I'm menopausal that time is much needed to rebuild my energy, both physically and mentally. I'm not horrible for needing that time, and neither are you.

When they forget something or want to come over for some reason I don't say 'no' but yes it does irritate me. I'm not in 'mum mode' then and it's not selfish to want a few hours to myself. The impact of menopause has been much greater than I thought it would be. Sometimes my brain, body and soul feel totally overwhelmed, and enjoying the time I have to myself without needing to put other people first doesn't make me selfish, horrible, lazy, unwelcoming or a bad mother.

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 08:59

YANBU. Ignore the nasty replies. Funny how ex gets 12 days to himself and no one here objects to that.

Do you feel you need to be home in case the kids come back home? Do they have a key?

mainsfed · 27/05/2023 09:01

Zippedydoo123 · 27/05/2023 06:23

What you need to appreciate is that many single parents get little or no h elp. Ever since the pandemic my son whose dad lives 100 miles away has barely spent time with him. His main help was financial which was very little indeed anyway as he has no money. My 18 year old son is leaving on the train this morning to stay with his dad and his huge family but he has not clapped eyes on his dad and his half siblings since August last year.

I really do not think you appreciate how good you have got it.

An other friend has brought her daughter up entirely singlehandedly as the father disappeared during pregnancy has never so much as met his child never paid maintenance nothing. There are many absent fathers.

No, she does not appreciate that many single parents don’t get help 🙄

She is not you, you are not her.

LlynTegid · 27/05/2023 09:20

I think not unreasonable to expect a bit of planning for your 16 year old, to take stuff with her. Preparation for when not living at home or if she goes, to university, so not just about now.

So dressed up as a positive and benefiting you.

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2023 09:37

I think the way you feel is very reasonable, but I'd suck it up for a specific occasion like this.

ILikePizzas · 27/05/2023 10:38

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misssunshine4040 · 27/05/2023 10:44

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What a vile comment!!! Many have weekends off or indeed half the week off with 50/50 custody.

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2023 10:47

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I'm not separated but I don't think it's hard to grasp that not having the other parent around makes the time you spend with your kids more full on and intense, and might make you value the time you get off a bit more.