To not want my weekends disturbed?

[fluffyegg1]

Hi all. I have changed my username as I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight - thank you menopause - and cannot ascertain my level of unreasonableness.
My children go to their dad's every second weekend. They are 16 and 13 and can be quite hard work in their own ways. I do the 'nitty gritty' parenting, and my every other weekends off are incredibly important to me. I work hard all week and love just having time on my own to recharge.
My 13 year old has no need to return to my place once at her dad's for the weekend. But quite often my 16 year old will come back because she needs something from her room or whatever. Tomorrow, she and her friend are coming to my place - on my weekend off - to get ready for a concert. She will shower, put on her make-up, put on her favourite perfume, do her hair, etc. I can understand it, because all her stuff is here.
I think I'm being unreasonable because them being here will require little to no effort on my part. However I still don't like the disruption on my precious weekends off. And I don't like to say no because I don't want to be remembered as the kind of mum who grudged their presence
Am I being very, very unreasonable?

That as a parent you are not entitled to weekends off. Yes it’s lovely to have time to yourself, I get it, but to demand that your children leave you alone in their own house so you can be totally alone is incredibly unreasonable. Children remember these things, they aren’t stupid, they will know when you don’t want them there.

It's interesting that the responses on this thread divide into two types.

Type A: YABU because you BIRTHED this child, and it should be a PRIVILEGE to spend these PRECIOUS PRECIOUS MOMENTS with her, before she LEAVES YOU FOREVER, which is no more than you DESERVE, you heartless unnatural excuse for a mother. 😠😠😠😠grrrrrrrr.

Type B: YABU because you already get time off, you lucky bastard, and you should be GRATEFUL. I've had at least one of the little vampires clamped onto me for 11 years and I would chew my leg off at the ankle to taste freedom for half a fucking hour 😩😲😠😥. Precious fucking moments my arse.

I'm so sorry about your childhood @Bearonthestair, but it means you're projecting. This isn't the same situation. The op does everything 12 x 24 hour days in a row for her wanted child, the child has two homes to go to, and the op wants some down time. It's normal, it's healthy.

This!! OP you are being absolutely ridiculous!

My 14 year old came in, dried and straightened her hair, picked up the bits she needed and fed the cats.
I slept through it! I had no idea.

My down time involved a lot of sleep!

I think OP knows she is BU, but sometimes you really do need a proper break. It's not the kids go disturbing Dad randomly (even though they have similar set up there).

I was so ready for this Friday night break. I needed it this week. I might go rock n roll and go bed with a book!

Tell your 16 yo you'd love to see her, but you have a gentleman friend coming, so best she remembers all her stuff...

OP called her child a disruption 💁

FWIW OP, you’re being U, you know you are, but I completely understand. The relief sometimes when DH takes DD out for a couple of hours is real. And when you’re on your own for 11/12 days on the trot too with 2 teenagers… I’m not there yet but I can anticipate it’s not all unicorns and roses. I’m sorry you’re feeling attacked on this thread, it’s a real shame 💐

Op I get it. My kids' dad ghosted them over a year ago and I do 100% of all the actual parenting 100% of the time - even when they saw him every other weekend.

It was like they went for regular sleepovers rather than shared care with the non resident parent and that 24 hours of downtime once a fortnight was vital for my well-being because there was (and is) no let up from the relentlessness of parenting.

To those who have said 'huh I have to parent 24/365 - be grateful you get 24 hours off a fortnight' do you though? If so I'd question the balance in your relationships because that doesn't sound like your partners are doing their share of parenting.

EVERYONE needs downtime. Being constantly 'on' is utterly exhausting. So, Op, I hear you.

Yes you are BU, but that's said with compassion, not vitriol.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Sometimes it takes a superhuman effort to suck it up for your kids when you're done in, but needs must.

Of course it's normal and healthy to be away from your kids. Mine are not strapped to me 24/7. OP asked of it was unreasonable to be disturbed on her weekend off and I think it is unreasonable.

It's the child's home. I go out if I desperately need alone time . I don't tell my family not to come home.

OP, your daughter is 16. Surely you can be out during the short time she's home getting ready to go out with her friend? Go for a walk, a drink, meet a friend.

I really understand why you feel like that (I'd feel the same!) but yes you are being unreasonable. It's their home. Many of us don't get a weekend off parenting every fortnight. I wish!

Of course your feelings aren't unreasonable. Neither is it unreasonable for your dd to come home like she is doing.

I had a friend's husband say to me when we had teens that he envied his neighbour who was divorced because every second weekend she didn't have teens in her house and wasn't primarily responsible for them. I knew he loved his children and his wife but I could see where those feelings came from. My dds are home from university since last week. They are both away from the weekend and dh and I love it.

you're grand. Just don't say anything to her OP. Some of the replies on this thread are batshit - and very very nasty.

As a Mum to 3 DD's, I absolutely get you OP. Getting ready for a night out can take an entire afternoon, involves endless use of the bathroom, hair appliances, laughter, shouting, noise and raiding the kitchen/fridge. Coupled with the odd "where's my X, Mum". Used to drive me bonkers. Guaranteed to ruin any quiet in the house.

@fluffyegg1, ignore those who are slating you, especially those who live with a partner who have no clue what being a single parent is.
I get it - it's that moment of space of you being you, with no demands, when you are on your own.
As long as DC1 isn't likely to trash the place, retire gracefully with a glass of wine, but be available if she needs you.

I love my kids with every atom of my being and adore my time with them. However I’m an introvert with physical and mental health issues that mean I need much more rest time that most healthy people so parenting (including the nights due to life threatening health issues in one child) for 21 years straight with one single night off is tough. That’s not unreasonable.

I don’t believe that any parent of teenagers has not at times fantasised about them being carried off by large predators. But the mummy martyrs who haven’t had a second to themselves in a decade (and whose fault is that?) would die rather than admit it and begrudge other parents’ child-free time.
YANBU.

What an absolutely crass thing to say.

Have you any idea how utterly exhausting it is to parent alone?

Not to mention the awfulness of divorce and the constant need to be 'both' parents with absolutely no let up?

It's not like single parents just think 'oh d'you know what? I'd love 24 hours off a fortnight, I know, I'll put my family life and children through the pain of divorce for shits and giggles'

Have a word with yourself.

OP I get it. When my brain is all set to have an uninterrupted weekend then something like this would annoy me too. I rarely get the house to myself and I’m an extreme introvert so I covet my kid free weekend.

however I’d just bite my tongue and hope they don’t take long to get ready for the concert.

As a mum to a 16 year old who also sometimes goes to her dad's at the weekend and sometimes doesn't (because she wants to be at home with her mates / me), I think YABU. It doesn't require any effort or input to allow your child to get ready at home in her own space.

Give her a break. If you are not a single parent, you don't know what it's like to be the only (in any meaningful sense of the word) parent.

OP hasn't told them she doesn't want them there, presumably as DD is happily going there to get ready they feel welcome. Inwardly feeling and venting to strangers online are different from telling your children you don't want to be disturbed on a weekend.

OP called her child a disruption

No, OP described her DD planning to get ready there as a disruption to her time to herself, nothing to say OP said that to her DD or sees the DD herself as a disruption. They aren't the same as you know.

You are kidding. Get over yourself. Your kids will be off your hands soon enough.

Lucky to be a single parent? Is that a joke?!

Sorry, her daughters presence in her own home is a disruption to her weekend.
Anyway, the op has said she is being unreasonable.