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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my weekends disturbed?

163 replies

fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:19

Hi all. I have changed my username as I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight - thank you menopause Hmm - and cannot ascertain my level of unreasonableness.
My children go to their dad's every second weekend. They are 16 and 13 and can be quite hard work in their own ways. I do the 'nitty gritty' parenting, and my every other weekends off are incredibly important to me. I work hard all week and love just having time on my own to recharge.
My 13 year old has no need to return to my place once at her dad's for the weekend. But quite often my 16 year old will come back because she needs something from her room or whatever. Tomorrow, she and her friend are coming to my place - on my weekend off - to get ready for a concert. She will shower, put on her make-up, put on her favourite perfume, do her hair, etc. I can understand it, because all her stuff is here.
I think I'm being unreasonable because them being here will require little to no effort on my part. However I still don't like the disruption on my precious weekends off. And I don't like to say no because I don't want to be remembered as the kind of mum who grudged their presence Sad
Am I being very, very unreasonable?

OP posts:
sweetdreamstenasee · 26/05/2023 21:38

I can see where you’re coming from but I think you need to reframe it in your mind

you kids go to your exes to spend time with their other parent, that’s the reason for the arrangement. The reason isn’t that you get time off or time to yourself, the fact that you enjoy the arrangement because you get time off and time alone occasionally is a bonus, a silver lining if you will.

DidyouNO · 26/05/2023 21:39

It's her home yes but surely at 16 you can sit down with her, explain how you feel, ask her for the time. She will probably be understanding and want to 'treat' her mum to some quiet time, help her pack all the items she'll need to get ready for the concert so she doesn't have to return.

MysteryBelle · 26/05/2023 21:39

Don’t worry, soon she’ll be on her own and busy and you’ll be wishing she would come by. Then you’ll get all the undisturbed weekends and weekdays and nights that you could possibly ever want.

😐

bimibluebell · 26/05/2023 21:42

DidyouNO · 26/05/2023 21:39

It's her home yes but surely at 16 you can sit down with her, explain how you feel, ask her for the time. She will probably be understanding and want to 'treat' her mum to some quiet time, help her pack all the items she'll need to get ready for the concert so she doesn't have to return.

Nice idea, but wrong for the child. And 16 yr olds are not generally "understanding" - and rightly so, really, as their home is their home, and it's quite a big ask if you are wanting them to "understand" not being welcome there (though the OP is not saying this - she is merely and understandably expressing her private thoughts to an anonymous audience).

SallyWD · 26/05/2023 21:43

CandyLeBonBon · 26/05/2023 20:59

What an absolutely crass thing to say.

Have you any idea how utterly exhausting it is to parent alone?

Not to mention the awfulness of divorce and the constant need to be 'both' parents with absolutely no let up?

It's not like single parents just think 'oh d'you know what? I'd love 24 hours off a fortnight, I know, I'll put my family life and children through the pain of divorce for shits and giggles'

Have a word with yourself.

Show quote history

You're right, sorry. It was a very flippant and thoughtless remark.

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/05/2023 21:43

As a co parent I do get it, but I'd be more worried that one of my DC would walk into me and the bf getting up to some fun 😂

As long as she gives you notice of when shes visiting...

Bargellobitch · 26/05/2023 21:46

This has to be a reverse. Of course it's normal to want your own time as a parent. But this is really self involved if bit a reverse. The way you call it your home and not hers can't be real.

TeaParty4Me · 26/05/2023 21:55

JudgeRudy · 26/05/2023 19:49

I think you're missing the point. It's not about needing care, it's simply about being disturbed during her (rare) me time.

It must be very challenging knowing you have no garenteed alone time. I'd hate it.

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Surely when you become a parent you never truly get time off, as even when you’re at work or have a babysitter you need to be prepared to look after your child unexpectedly.

OP gets more time off than most parents and a couple of evenings isn’t going to affect her.

If she doesn’t want to see her DD then she should go out herself.

JudgeRudy · 26/05/2023 22:09

She doesn't get more time off though does she. She's on duty 12 days in a row 24/7...and cannot guarantee the weekend off. I'm sure 'coupled' parents get more down time. 'A couple of evenings' clearing is affecting her, because it's on top of the others. It'll be 26 days in a row before she gets a day to herself ....if her daughter doesn't 'pop back' again. That's tough

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/05/2023 22:13

YABU, nicely, but it’s totally understandable to feel that way. When you’re an introvert, the alone time is really precious. But yes, it is their home, and yes they’re entitled to be there, and of course you’re doing absolutely the right thing but not saying anything to them. Bitching to internet strangers is the way to go.

With respect, the “in a couple” parents who are saying “oh but if you’re not separated they’d be there the whole time” have no idea what they’re talking about. If you haven’t been a single parent, you don’t know the level of “on” you have to be when they are there - yes a 16 yo might be little bother but it also means you’re 16 years in to not having your own space.

Boardname · 26/05/2023 22:14

Bearonthestair · 26/05/2023 21:16

Sorry, her daughters presence in her own home is a disruption to her weekend.
Anyway, the op has said she is being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Yes because lots of posters have been projecting and writing really horrible and hurtful posts, I'm not surprised OP has been guilty into thinking she's unreasonable. And yes it is a disruption!

Bearonthestair · 26/05/2023 22:19

Boardname · 26/05/2023 22:14

Yes because lots of posters have been projecting and writing really horrible and hurtful posts, I'm not surprised OP has been guilty into thinking she's unreasonable. And yes it is a disruption!

Show quote history

Many, many people agree it's unreasonable.
I hope I don't see my 16 years old being home as a disruption, as much as I get the need for downtime.
Anyway, we'll agree to disagree. I hope my children always see their home as a safe space.

marmitegirl01 · 26/05/2023 22:23

I totally understand how you feel and often have felt the same. It's ok to feel like that but I guess the trick is not to let them know it 🤷‍♀️

WoolyAndYug · 26/05/2023 22:24

If you weren't separated they'd live with you full time - would you still begrudge them being in their own home? You only have such a short amount of time before they'll have properly flown the nest, parenting isn't a part time job you don't get to completely switch off.

HamBone · 26/05/2023 22:25

Your home is your children’s home too and it would be awful if they felt unwanted there.

This sums it up. My DD (18) will be leaving for university in the autumn and it’s suddenly hit me that I won’t see her for weeks at a time- and I’m secretly upset. I know it’s right for her, she’s ready to spread her wings, but I’ve realized how much I’ll miss her… not her messiness, but her presence in general. 😂

SchoolShenanigans · 26/05/2023 22:29

YABU this is your child and she literally just wants to get changed in her own home.

Most women don't get a break at all.

Ardiaei · 26/05/2023 23:13

my precious weekends off

You’re a parent. There’s no such entitlement to time “off”.

Fleetwoodmac23 · 27/05/2023 03:04

It’s her home yabu

PerryMenno · 27/05/2023 03:22

Been there done that OP and I sympathise, though of course there's no nice way to actually express it to the kids so we suck it up with good grace.

The compromise was that they let me know they're coming, so I can mentally switch back on IYKWIM. (And not caught doing anything embarrassing!.)

It'll get better as they're older. Mine are a few years ahead of yours and live with me 100% of the time now but they're out so much, and mostly independent when they're home, so I have plenty of down time.

ThirstyThursday · 27/05/2023 03:27

@fluffyegg1

God Forbid you should be your own person with your own needs!

when you don't have anyone to share the physical or mental load of parenting, those couple of days of headspace are invaluable.

if you happen to be an introvert on top of that, having someone in that space, whether the need your attention or not, is frustrating. Own child or not.

it's not about not living them, it's about some headspace. Don't feel bad x

Nicecow · 27/05/2023 03:42

I hate to be horrible, but you're their parent. Most of us don't get any weekends off Hmm

RosaCaramella · 27/05/2023 03:47

I get you OP. When I used to work, my weekends were a lifeline and I always felt like they had been ruined if I couldn’t do my own thing- usually nothing.

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/05/2023 03:56

How about you ask her to take her make up and clothes over to her dads?

I know it is frowned upon but I get what you mean that you need your you time

So don't tell your dd she CANT come home. Just tell her to take the stuff to her dads as you have plans to walk around naked all day or have a hot date or something 😅

Sorry you are getting a hard time here.
Because you are supposed to love and always want your kid around

But you still love her. You just don't want here to be there. And I GET that.

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/05/2023 03:58

@Nicecow jealous much 😏

Nicecow · 27/05/2023 04:03

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/05/2023 03:58

@Nicecow jealous much 😏

Absolutely!!