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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my weekends disturbed?

163 replies

fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:19

Hi all. I have changed my username as I'm feeling a bit fragile tonight - thank you menopause Hmm - and cannot ascertain my level of unreasonableness.
My children go to their dad's every second weekend. They are 16 and 13 and can be quite hard work in their own ways. I do the 'nitty gritty' parenting, and my every other weekends off are incredibly important to me. I work hard all week and love just having time on my own to recharge.
My 13 year old has no need to return to my place once at her dad's for the weekend. But quite often my 16 year old will come back because she needs something from her room or whatever. Tomorrow, she and her friend are coming to my place - on my weekend off - to get ready for a concert. She will shower, put on her make-up, put on her favourite perfume, do her hair, etc. I can understand it, because all her stuff is here.
I think I'm being unreasonable because them being here will require little to no effort on my part. However I still don't like the disruption on my precious weekends off. And I don't like to say no because I don't want to be remembered as the kind of mum who grudged their presence Sad
Am I being very, very unreasonable?

OP posts:
AskingForAFriend12 · 26/05/2023 19:43

Right, I get it now. It's understandable that you feel inconvenienced as long as you dont show it.

NowItsSpring · 26/05/2023 19:43

Well I think YANBU - maybe next time she could go the friends to get ready rather than them both coming to yours

MummyJ36 · 26/05/2023 19:44

My dad died when I was 3. My mum never got a weekend off from me as a single parent. Jesus 🙄

Original poster
fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:44

Crabwoman · 26/05/2023 19:38

YABVVVU.

Those of us who aren't separated have our kids here 365 (or thereabouts) days of the year. There are no 'precious weekends off'.

Secondly, it's still your child's primary residence, and now she is older her schedule will change. Her nipping in and out for a few hours. When you admit you won't need to hive any input, it hardly impacts your weekend

Suck it up.

Talk about being tone deaf, as presumably you have your children's father to share the mental and practical loads!

Anyway, thanks very much to those who replied in a measured and thoughtful way. As I said, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable. But not in the way that it's expressed sometimes.
Happy weekend everyone!

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 26/05/2023 19:45

YABU but I get it. When I work from home but then dh pops home mid way through the day unexpectedly it irrationally irritates me. I rarely get time in the house alone so I treasure it. But I hide my irritation because I love him and don’t want him to walk on egg shells around me.

op, it won’t be forever. Just think, she sees your home as her main/safe place.

TeaParty4Me · 26/05/2023 19:46

Yes of course YABU

You are very lucky that you get to have any time off from parenting as most don’t.

It is your child’s home and they should feel welcome at any time.

It’s perhaps different if they were young and you had to cancel your plans to parent them or if they chose to never go to their dads and then I’d see why you’re upset about losing your time away from them.

TeaParty4Me · 26/05/2023 19:47

NowItsSpring · 26/05/2023 19:43

Well I think YANBU - maybe next time she could go the friends to get ready rather than them both coming to yours

Why should the other mum have them there but OP not - what’s the difference?

808Kate1 · 26/05/2023 19:49

I think you should make the most of her being in your (and her) house. Another couple of years she'll be flying the nest good and proper and you may find yourself praying for the weekends she might drop by.

JudgeRudy · 26/05/2023 19:49

Bearonthestair · 26/05/2023 19:21

Yes. It's her home. How can your own child getting ready in her room disturb you? She's 16 not a needy toddler.

I think you're missing the point. It's not about needing care, it's simply about being disturbed during her (rare) me time.

It must be very challenging knowing you have no garenteed alone time. I'd hate it.

Babymamamama · 26/05/2023 19:50

YABU - my DC refuses altogether to go to their other parent. And I don’t force it. I think by teen years they know where they want to be and I respect that.
you will have time alone when they head off to uni. That’s what I tell myself.

Brightredtulips · 26/05/2023 19:50

Wow You are a parent....its not a job. You're lucky to have "precious days off" but this kind of thing I can never understand.

TorviShieldMaiden · 26/05/2023 19:51

i get it. It probably is unreasonable, but I also feel it. I find parenting exhausting and need my own space. Mine are 13 and 10, and the 10 year old wants to spend every minute with me. Drives me slowly mad.

Its ok to feel like this. I’ve said before, it’s ok to love your children and hate being a parent.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/05/2023 19:52

The precious weekends off? I'm a single mum too, I love seeing my son on his weekends at his dads, when he plays football. He'd always be welcome in my home as It's his home. Surely she won't be there the whole weekend, so you will still have some alone time.

TorviShieldMaiden · 26/05/2023 19:52

I don’t think I’ll get empty nest feeling. My mum never did. I haven’t loved being a mother and I need a lot of time by myself. I haven’t enjoyed parenting, although of course I love my children.

Beelezebub · 26/05/2023 19:53

Yes, you’re being really unreasonable. It’s not “your place” it’s her home.

Notonthestairs · 26/05/2023 19:53

I get it. YABU but we all are sometimes. Of course you know it's her home and you obviously want her to be happy. But I can see how you'd benefit from switching off altogether. You haven't said anything to her and nor will you.

TorviShieldMaiden · 26/05/2023 19:54

My favourite day of the week is when my children go to their dad’s. I get to be myself.

Bearonthestair · 26/05/2023 19:54

JudgeRudy · 26/05/2023 19:49

I think you're missing the point. It's not about needing care, it's simply about being disturbed during her (rare) me time.

It must be very challenging knowing you have no garenteed alone time. I'd hate it.

Show quote history

I don't think I'm missing any point. I think it's incredibly unreasonable to begrudge your child, that you birthed, simply exist in their home. What parent gets precious downtime? Op could go out it if her daughter merely breathing around her is too much to take.

bimibluebell · 26/05/2023 19:55

Oh dear OP. I do get it, as I've been in the same situation. But yes, YABU (and I think you know that). If it's any consolation, my DD (who did the same as yours at that age) said recently that one of the things she loves about me is that our house has always been the "getting ready" house, and all her friends love coming here too because there is apparently a "good vibe", whatever that means. From my point of view, it meant being kept up until midnight, when they finally went out, and then being woken up again at 5AM when they staggered home.

TBH I did look forward to having a mini break from the DC, but I slapped on a smile and sucked it up. There was a long period when none of my DC would go to their father's (I don't blame them for that), and that was quite wearing - but, again, I sucked it up.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 26/05/2023 19:56

It must be very challenging knowing you have no garenteed alone time. I'd hate it.

If you want guaranteed alone time, go out. You can't kick other people out of their home just because you want time to yourself. And I say that as someone who needs time alone everyday in order to stay sane.

Boardname · 26/05/2023 19:56

Crabwoman · 26/05/2023 19:38

YABVVVU.

Those of us who aren't separated have our kids here 365 (or thereabouts) days of the year. There are no 'precious weekends off'.

Secondly, it's still your child's primary residence, and now she is older her schedule will change. Her nipping in and out for a few hours. When you admit you won't need to hive any input, it hardly impacts your weekend

Suck it up.

Well no but you have the constant support of a partner. The mental load and relentless of solo parenting is huge and must different from the other parent just being out at work, going away for a few days or whatever else. Knowing you gave that support and fall back even if you do end up doing most of the work for whatever reason makes a huge difference.

OP I think rationally you know you're being unreasonable, from your childrens point of view it's their home and they come back as they feel safe/happier/it's more convenient for whatever they're doing- I'd be pleased they having picked up on your annoyance and still want to! You are human though, I empathise with looking forward to and coveting that time to yourself when you normally don't get any.

Of course the answer is to suck it up as not cause damage to them, but be kind to yourself also.

Dyerun · 26/05/2023 19:57

YABU but I get it. Just like the last time I actually got my partner to take 4 yo to his mum's for the day on his own so I could have some peace and quiet for once, my 18 yo decided it was the perfect time to actually drag himself off the Xbox and tell me every small detail about his life. Despite the fact he could do this any other day, any other time 🤔

Allwelcone · 26/05/2023 19:59

Ah OP please be kinder to yourself! Your feelings are understandable and valid.
Whats really the issue here? Something else? Like you're tired and struggling etc.
Please look after yourself 💐

Crabwoman · 26/05/2023 20:02

fluffyegg1 · 26/05/2023 19:44

Talk about being tone deaf, as presumably you have your children's father to share the mental and practical loads!

Anyway, thanks very much to those who replied in a measured and thoughtful way. As I said, I'm happy to be told I'm being unreasonable. But not in the way that it's expressed sometimes.
Happy weekend everyone!

Show quote history

OK, I am being tone deaf, and I'll apologise.

I am hormonal this week, and after a 70 hour week from hell and a 6am start tomorrow for kids hobbies this post hit me in the wrong place and the wrong time.

But I'll admit when I'm wrong and I'm sorry.

M123gotns · 26/05/2023 20:03

@fluffyegg1

Actually, I don't think YABU. As another single parent that does all the grunt work, I know that your free time is extremely precious. It allows you to recharge, so that you can carry on again the next week and I personally feel that the short break makes me a better parent when the kids are at home.

Caveat: I fully appreciate that, although being a single parent was NOT my choice, I do consider myself lucky that the kids do spend a bit of time with their other parent so that I can recharge. I honestly have so much respect for those that are lone parents and are completely on their own.

Returning to the original question, I get that being interrupted is not ideal but I would try and re-phrase it that your child prefers to be doing this at your house as they have the space, time and "stuff" to do so, whereas they don't at the other parent's house ie. Try and take it as a compliment on how happy and comfortable they are at home with you.

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