'ADHD is the result of bad parenting?'

[porridgeisbae]

Does anyone here believe in that anymore? Admittedly I don't chat to many people outside of MN, but I hadn't even thought of that idea for a while- someone laid into me about it when I hadn't thought it was due to the parents for a moment in that discussion, I was just seeing it as a neurological difference.

I have some non-NT traits myself.

ADHD is due to having a defective DRD2 gene which inhibits dopamine levels. This can be measured in the spinal fluid and can be seen on MRIs.

People who think it's down to parenting or is just observed symptoms are displaying their ignorance in flashing neon.

That's a bit chicken-and-egg though. Define "good parenting." For most, that would include things like "being consistent," and "following through with consequences." However, if the average child requires 400 instances of consistency and follow through to regularize one good behavior, and a child with ADHD requires 800 instances of consistency/followthru to regularize that good behavior, then the parents of the child with ADHD will experience a higher level of challenge in maintaining consistency or effectuating the desired behavior. In addition, children with ADHD are known to begin with more challenging behaviors. So the parent of the child with ADHD may be not only needing to do twice as many events for each one behavior, but must also multiply those instances across a higher number of behaviors. So the total requirement for "good parenting" behaviors for the parent of an ADHD child to produce behavior that others consider "good parenting" might be several times higher than those of a typical child.

In addition, "good parenting" is not only about producing a compliant child. A psychologist once told me, in the context of managing ADHD, that "children are entitled to experience happiness." Consequences for unwanted behavior are necessary to manage such behavior but such consequences also reduce the child's experience of positive emotions. If a typical child experiences 20 parental consequences per day, and a child with ADHD experiences 80, then is the child with ADHD going to be as happy as the child who does not have ADHD? Probably not. So is it good parenting to make your kid unhappy? But you managed those behaviors and the child is compliant, so that's good right? Or is it?

If you think it through, you might realise that there are no perfect solutions for the family of a child with ADHD. Whichever way you slice it, there is going to be a negative effect. That's why it's considered a disability and not just a difference.

ADHD and autism definitely exist however I personally know several children who are in the diagnosis process entirely due to shit parenting and would be completely “typical” if properly parented. Sometimes it is an excuse for bad behaviour NOT neurodivergence.

My son was picked up for diagnosis in nursery and in reception school. Both time it was decided he had some but not enough of the traits. He displayed hyperactive and impulsive behavior but no issues with attention. He has calmed down a lot and I and the school don't think he has it. But there are traits there. So does he just get written off as naughty because he doesn't tick enough of the boxes? I think the human brain is more complex than that. Its not just a case of you have it or haven't. I think that a lot of his early health conditions and stress from the in his first year contributed to his brain developing the way it did. Its not judt a case of your kid has ADHD so you get all the help and the sympathy or your kid has behavioral problems therefore your a shit parent.

my three children, now adults, have as adults all been diagnosed with various types of adhd (one hyperactive and one inattentive and the third impulsive/mix).
my parenting was lousy because they were a hard hard group as youngsters (all 16 months apart).
but my dd has had a very hard time parenting her adhd son and some of his unique characteristics that are part of his make up were present long before parenting skills were necessary. sleep issues, temperature change issues, any change issues, food texture flavor issues. and yes she has had to take on a different parenting style than i displayed as a parent in the 80's.

@RoseRobot A private diagnosis is fairly easy to get from a consultant who's into ADHD. Then the NHS will usually go along with it/fast track you or maybe your GP will keep prescribing you the meds once a consultant has got you on the right dose. It's definitely worth it if you think the meds would help you that much.

I have bipolar so the over zealous ADHD-diagnosing narcissistic private consultant who thought all previous consultants I'd seen over 20 years were wrong, put me on these meds (which are pretty much contra-indicated for people who already have an established diagnosis of bipolar) and led to me being hospitalized for my bipolar for the first time in 15 years or something.

I had fabulous parents . Absolutely first class. Dad died young (I was 13) but then I got super lucky with my amazing step dad who only died last month.

I was one of the first adults in the UK to be diagnosed with ADD (how I would LOVE to be a little hyperactive ) .. I am firmly of the belief that it has a genetic component. My birth dad exhibited all the traits and my son has the same.

No, but it irks me no end to watch endless ‘bad’ parents chase this as a diagnosis so they have an excuse for their poor parenting.
A parent I know is doing this right now. Her child is extremely overweight due to the share bags of sweets given daily when collected from school alongside a bottle of coke or fanta. When asked by the consultant about her child’s diet she claimed they had a healthy diet and it was due to impulsive eating. This child is fed takeaways most evenings or a ‘meal’ such as a chocolate spread sandwich, smarties, crisps and a few strawberries. I know all this because she openly tells me and often sends me screenshots saying oh look they made their own dinner. This child will scream so loudly and cry the minute they are told no and sure enough the parents give in. I’ve witnessed so many shocking episodes and can’t understand how they can’t see the damage they are doing. In my job i’ve seen this many times and it really gets me angry. Having adhd isn’t a badge of honour it’s a bloody hard thing to learn to live with, it’s all consuming. The only reason I can possibly put this down to is so they have a reason for their child’s behaviour which doesn’t involve their lack of parenting skills.

Where did you get the information that there is no evidence if ADHD existing? It's just not true. The clearest indicator is reaction to amphetamines. Most people speed up on them and can get hyper, manic or feel ill. People with ADHD feel calm or even sleepy. I can drink eight fresh coffees a day and sleep soundly at night. Stimulants just don't have an effect. It's a classic sign of the neurological difference between neurotypical brains and ADHD brains.

He has calmed down a lot and I and the school don't think he has it. But there are traits there

@Nutellaonall I couldn't agree more. I maybe have one or two traits but they are impairing. Similarly, people get irate at the idea of someone being 'a bit autistic,' but of course someone can have some traits and them being enough to cause significant issues.

In my experience, it's helped me a lot, to have learned these things about myself. I don't know if it would help a child for you to tell them about it.

Exactly. My mum had it. I have it. DS2 has it. I'm sure it's hereditary. Untreated it can be chaotic. I have been so chaotic all my life but made sure I wasn't a chaotic mum. As a result, DS who had an orderly home life and went to a very nurturing secondary school, is actually almost average when it comes to handling life's challenges such as meeting deadlines, not forgetting his house keys etc. He still has blips but they are not every single day. He locks himself out about twice a year. I used to lock myself out about twice a week. And this is on no medication. I am proud of him.

The fact is we actually know very little about adhd but there is a lot of very interesting research coming out about it. Not a fact at all, but I believe in a few decades time we'll think of it as an umbrella term for a set of behaviours.

A chaotic home life with little boundaries in place can cause children to become reactive, hyperaware with difficulty self-regulating and sticking within a set of behavioural norms - sound familiar? That's not to say that adhd is caused by bad parenting it is to say that bad parenting can cause children to demonstrate similar behaviours.

There's a doctor in the U.K. (I'll have to hunt out their name) that's having a degree of success treating children diagnosed with adhd with only social prescriptions.

I work with children with adhd (& also often wonder if I have it but thats another story!) and the amount we don't yet know about it truly fascinates me. I also find it amazing how many myths about it people believe to be true.

It's also worth looking at other countries where it is a lot less prevalent- countries where children have 15 minutes of play to every hour of learning- and asking ourselves to reflect a bit of the conditions we're creating for people to live in.

unique characteristics that are part of his make up were present long before parenting skills were necessary. sleep issues

@greenspaces4peace Yep I didn't sleep through the night until I was 3. My mum actually took me to the doctor in 1980 saying there was something wrong with me because I wouldn't sleep, but he just said it was because I was bright and I didn't want to miss anything that might be happening. I wonder if/would hope things are somewhat better nowadays for parents to get help, but it sounds like it's still pretty awful.

I think this is actually quite a complex issue and perhaps not explored deeply enough yet.
Firstly yes ADHD does exist and will not be dependent on parenting.
But also ADHD can run in families and sometimes parents with ADHD are not actually the most effective at parenting.
So the waters do get rather muddied here.
Also poor parenting does result in badly behaved children ( with or without ADHD).
So children get sent for assessment and some will have ADHD or ASD etc etc and some will not. It is used as an excuse by some sadly.
We do have to acknowledge the affect poor parenting and exposure to adverse childhood experiences has on a child also. IE exposure to domestic abuse. neglect, drugs and alcohol.
Children from more affluent/educated or stable demographics with a diagnosis do better than those from more deprived/disadvantaged and chaotic backgrounds. We have to stop and ask why? What affect does parenting have on outcome?

I think more research is needed still on this.

So you’ve not seen the brain scans they have done and recognised how the brain activity in someone with ADHD differs from someone who is not neurodiverse?

As someone who struggles daily with ADHD, do kindly fuck off with this suggestion that it doesn’t exist.

Ha ha, I’ve had this said about my 2.5 year old who wakes up every couple of hours no matter what. I have ADHD and I side eye his behaviours all the time, time will tell.

my son has adhd
oddly My exh ( his bio father) truly believes this But hasn’t yet connected to the fact that he is himself a parent of this child

but then this delightful specimen once told me that my nephew only has autism ( quite severe ) because my sister is far too soft and she should have ‘beaten it out of him to make him act normal’
so yes people are around still with terrible terrible attitudes

One of the problems with ADHD is that people always associate it with naughty kids and that is wrong. My DS has ADHD and he's an angel at school. He twitches and fidgits in his seat but he's not disruptive. His main problems are that he races through his work and then falls asleep.

I disagree with this. I am unsure if my son has ADHD at this stage but there are signs in suspicious of. There are no attachment issues, I respond with love and he doesn’t have too much tv. There is nothing negative that would ‘cause’ ADHD. I had a wonderful upbringing and am super close with my parents too. Many neurodivergent friends also have excellent parental relationships, no divorce. I think this is utter bullshit.

From the mental health/ behaviour courses I have done through work- Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) which if a young children experiences lots of them in their early life can impact the child's growing brain and the neurological connections, which can cause very similar traits to ADHD.

So no I don't think it's bad parenting but these ACEs can cause "environmental ADHD" which will them get diagnosed (if they are lucky to get a diagnosis) as ADHD but is chemically different and unlike ADHD these neurological connections can be remade by positive relationships, mental health work etc.

Omg thankyou so so much. I'm sat here in tears reading some of these posts. As a mum of an adult ADHD son now 23 it hurts so much that this is still seen as bad parenting resulting in naughty children.

My son is an only child he was and still is loved beyond measure no trauma two loving parents consistently there for him.
He was diagnosed at 7 years of age after school picked up on his lack of concentration and hyperactivity in class.

I read every book on ADHD I wanted so much to understand it and help him through school and life. We joined a club especially set up for ASD kids, he went to karate club, scouts and swimming all the usual clubs kids join.

He had a difficult time in his teens, at school academically very clever but not keen to study. We had a couple of years of really tough times with drink and drugs however he is now settled with his fiance and young son.

There is most definitely a genetic link. After over 40 years of knowing my husband I am convinced he has ADHD he displays every symptom.
Please don't put this down to bad parenting or FAS as a pp mentioned I had zero alcohol when pregnant. I find this so extremely hurtful and frustrating that people still think like this. My son is who he is and I love him for who he is.

Problems managing ADHD later in life can be exacerbated by bad parenting. Constantly telling a child they aren't good enough or trying hard enough to meet their potential when they can't help the way they are will have negative effects.

Bad parents don't support issues in the necessary ways.

I'd say it's also important to recognise that parents may be ND themselves and struggling with executive function.

It can lead to complex and challenging family situations. And while medication can be a help - parents need to be able to implement other strategies too. It's about struggling parents, not bad parents.

This is horrifically offensive. Struggle to focus on their own child?

ADHD is poorly named - its not a deficit of attention, its the ability to regulate it. Read this text book for History at school? Boring! Play this video game for 9 hours straight? Sure! Love has nothing to do with ADHD and any parent that loves and adores their child will look after them. Sure there may be the odd dentist appointment that gets missed as poor time management is a function but people with ADHD care for their children phenomenally well.

Parents with ADHD who have children with ADHD will be likely to care for them much better, with kindness and understanding.

Please for the love of Jesus stop talking about ADHD on the internet and start learning about it.

ADHD is definitely not about bad parenting. ADHD is real.

But I think some children who are diagnosed don’t have ADHD they just have bad parents.