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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'ADHD is the result of bad parenting?'

296 replies

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:15

Does anyone here believe in that anymore? Admittedly I don't chat to many people outside of MN, but I hadn't even thought of that idea for a while- someone laid into me about it when I hadn't thought it was due to the parents for a moment in that discussion, I was just seeing it as a neurological difference.

I have some non-NT traits myself.

OP posts:
Tillyteacup · 26/05/2023 19:44

Due to my job I’ve worked in many different schools. Schools in poorer areas tend to have more cases of ADHD although there are of course exceptions. Think this is where the bad parenting myth comes from. The parents can be seen as less capable of raising children in these areas (again I’m generalizing here). However people don’t take into account the parents could have had undiagnosed issues themselves which leaves them more prone to not doing as well in school, thusblower incomes. Their children inherit these very real issues genetically and the cycle continues. I hope that makes sense.

Tillyteacup · 26/05/2023 19:45

^should have said “thus lower incomes”

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:48

@ReleasetheCrackHen I'd kind of like to see them try it and see how they go. Grin At least with a child with extreme ADHD.

I did do better academically than I would've with parents who put less emphasis on that. A consultant told me that while some people with ADHD do ok academically, often it's because they have a lot of family support. (I'm not saying that people who struggle don't have family support, I mean that for instance my parents were a teacher and a social worker and they were obsessed with the idea that I would do amazingly at school etc. They should've focussed on other things as well really, and taken some of the pressure off.)

OP posts:
SkandiSkando · 26/05/2023 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dooopylally · 26/05/2023 19:50

If it's related to attachment disorder, why can it be seen through the generations so often?
I think whatever your intentions OP this thread will be very offensive to people with/parents of people with ADHD

Blort · 26/05/2023 19:50

It is a neurological difference, but good parenting can help support and structure children with ADHD.

Irony is they probably got ADHD from their parents so it's like the blind leading the blind Grin

Anyone who blames ADHD symptoms on bad behaviour should go to an SEN bootcamp. 3 days in the wilderness, ran by parents totally brutalised by CAMHS and society. Vote for me at the next election.

Blort · 26/05/2023 19:51

Edit *blames ADHD on bad behaviour/bad parents...

BungleandGeorge · 26/05/2023 19:52

I don’t think it’s so much that people think ADHD is caused by bad parenting but that parents say that their child has ADHD when actually issues are caused by them being bad parents.

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:52

@Tillyteacup Yes there's definitely a genetic component I imagine, that's why there are more cases within families etc.

And a middle class child is probably always going to do better than a working class child at school (all other things being equal- imagine the same individual, just in different settings.) For instance the parents would usually have more books around, be more able to help with academic work, have more energy, time and money to aim at it, etc.

But academic stuff isn't everything of course- I managed to get through uni eventually and get a good degree in the end, but I completely failed when it came to the world of work.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:55

I think whatever your intentions OP this thread will be very offensive to people with/parents of people with ADHD

I have some ADHD, I have a diagnosis but personally don't believe I have the whole thing.

I had temporarily forgotten that people that held this opinion exist.

OP posts:
Parkandpicnic · 26/05/2023 19:56

No I don’t think it is down to ‘bad parenting’, the best thing I heard on the topic recently was that what is usually good enough parenting isn’t enough for children with ADHD. Basically parenting can make a difference but it is unfair to blame parents for not having the specialist knowledge and resources to be able to make that difference on their own.

Blort · 26/05/2023 19:56

alabastercodefier · 26/05/2023 19:30

I think it is in part due to poor attachment. Burt then I share that view with notable child development experts and psychotherapists like Gabor Maté.

The poor attachment happens when parents don't connect sufficiently with their children at critical developmental stages - but this can be down to unavoidable factors such as illness, depression, wrap-around childcare.

Interestingly, there's no evidence of ADHD existing, except for a list of behaviours that have been clustered together under the label ADHD.

This is absolutely outdated and these "reckons" are absolute shite.

"ADHD was the first disorder found to be the result of a deficiency of a specific neurotransmitter — in this case, norepinephrine — and the first disorder found to respond to medications to correct this underlying deficiency. "

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-neuroscience-101/

There's a reason why stimulant medication calms children with hyperactivity and the same drug makes people without ADHD work 20 hours straight.

The neuroscience of ADHD

ADHD Neuroscience 101

An expert on attention deficit and learning disabilities talks about the biology behind ADHD and why it's sometimes so difficult to diagnose and treat symptoms in children.

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-neuroscience-101

BungleandGeorge · 26/05/2023 19:56

Attachment disorders have some symptoms which overlap with ND, they are definitely not the same though. I’d say a lot of parents with ND children are much better and more engaged parents than those with NT kids, because they have to be as the world is still not very friendly to ND people

Dooopylally · 26/05/2023 19:58

I didn't actually know people thought parents (and let's face it, that would mean mothers) had caused their dc's ADHD/ADHD behaviours. I'm actually in bits about that. I have enough guilt that he wasn't diagnosed till later.

alabastercodefier · 26/05/2023 19:58

Dooopylally · 26/05/2023 19:50

If it's related to attachment disorder, why can it be seen through the generations so often?
I think whatever your intentions OP this thread will be very offensive to people with/parents of people with ADHD

Yes, I have wondered that myself but I suppose a parent with poor attention/hyperactive behaviours is more likely to struggle to maintain focus on their child?

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:58

I don’t think it’s so much that people think ADHD is caused by bad parenting but that parents say that their child has ADHD when actually issues are caused by them being bad parents.

The conversation was with someone who was appalled, shocked and aghast at the thought that her adult son might have ADHD. She took the suggestion as an extreme personal attack on her parenting and yelled in a shocked breathless voice 'I'M HIS MOOTTHHERRRR!'

OP posts:
ReleasetheCrackHen · 26/05/2023 19:59

Blort · 26/05/2023 19:56

This is absolutely outdated and these "reckons" are absolute shite.

"ADHD was the first disorder found to be the result of a deficiency of a specific neurotransmitter — in this case, norepinephrine — and the first disorder found to respond to medications to correct this underlying deficiency. "

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-neuroscience-101/

There's a reason why stimulant medication calms children with hyperactivity and the same drug makes people without ADHD work 20 hours straight.

I have ADHD and a cup of coffee puts me straight to sleep 😴!
I had no idea that even common ‘drugs’ affect me differently

alabastercodefier · 26/05/2023 20:01

The neuroscience doesn't explain the exponential rise in the prevalence of ADHD. Funny that it seems to be such a feature of the late capitalist society we inhabit.

RoseRobot · 26/05/2023 20:02

No it isn't. I am an excellent parent. I know this because I dedicated my life to becoming one. Despite having ADHD myself I was a very organised mum and ensured my DC always had clean clothes, shoes that fitted, mufti on the right day, correct kits for school and scout trips etc. I always checked their school bags, helped with homework, changed their beds, cleaned and decorated their rooms. They had freshly cooked meals every day, got read stories and sung songs every night. I played with them, hugged them, played silly games with them, had a lot of giggles with them, listened to them and comforted them when they struggled, acceptesd them for who they were and never tried to mould them, but encouraged them to work hard at school and fitness, so they could make the most of who they were. I took them out to build dens and climb trees, to fairs and shows, museums and castles etc. They had regular playdates and sleepovers, and as they became teens we went to gigs and festivals, comedy shows, long haul holidays and had pizza film nights at home. I thought about how to be a good mum practically every minute of every day because I was so bloody scared my ADHD and depression would make me unintentionally neglectful. It took all my focus and I had little energy for anything else.

But DS2 has ADHD.

I'm sure it's hereditary. My mum had ADHD. She was chaotic and neglectful of us physically (never had clean clothes or shoes that fitted or gloves and coats in winter etc. We were always grubby, late for school, unaware of what we should bring to lessons and day trips and even crucial exams!) But she was also very loving, made loads of efforts to do things for us, like baking birthday cakes, making clothes and toys, helping with our revision, taking us out for the day, singing to us. I aimed to be more organised than her and to provide better than she did, but I also wanted to be like her in terms of her creativity and playfulness.

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 20:05

No I don’t think it is down to ‘bad parenting’, the best thing I heard on the topic recently was that what is usually good enough parenting isn’t enough for children with ADHD. Basically parenting can make a difference but it is unfair to blame parents for not having the specialist knowledge and resources to be able to make that difference on their own.

Yep, I have an idea what parenting strategies would've helped me as a child, but no parent would necessarily think of them. For instance with social skills, I could've been helped by someone spelling out verbally to me what I should do, rather than learning from osmosis or whatever. IDK if that's something that would really work, though.

I didn't actually know people thought parents (and let's face it, that would mean mothers) had caused their dc's ADHD/ADHD behaviours. I'm actually in bits about that. I have enough guilt that he wasn't diagnosed till later.

@Dooopylally So sorry to hear that. Sad I hope you find enough people who'll tell you that it's not really true. People used to think someone having same sex attraction was a result of a weak mother or something. But we know that's not the case now. x

OP posts:
RoseRobot · 26/05/2023 20:07

ReleasetheCrackHen · 26/05/2023 19:59

I have ADHD and a cup of coffee puts me straight to sleep 😴!
I had no idea that even common ‘drugs’ affect me differently

Me too @Blort. I remember a boyfriend giving me two ProPlus tablets so we could enjoy an all-nighter, I fell immediately into a deep sleep and couldn't be woken. As an adult of nearly 60, I've never been diagnosed, but I have tried a friend's Concerta when they found it didn't help them, and was struck by how calm and focused I felt and how I didn't want to eat or fidget non-stop. In no way was I agitated or speedy on it. I felt chilled and clear-headed. I am so envious of people with a diagnosis. I'd bloody love to take Concerta every day. It would change my life.

Srin · 26/05/2023 20:08

I do know someone who says that he hates/is very reluctant to medicate children with ADHD when their parents are not managing their own ADHD very well.

Shopper727 · 26/05/2023 20:09

My youngest son has adhd and asd he’s the youngest of my 4 sons. The only one with any diagnosis and all parented the same, same home etc so if it was bad/ineffective parenting all 4 would be similar in behaviour.

so of course it’s nothing to do with parenting, or that they are bad, lazy etc I’ve heard it all. My own mother has said he needs to learn to behave normally in social situations. I’m at a loss with it all tbh I hope one day there will be more understanding and acceptance of both adhd and Asd so we don’t have to hear such nonsense. It’s very frustrating

RoseRobot · 26/05/2023 20:10

BungleandGeorge · 26/05/2023 19:56

Attachment disorders have some symptoms which overlap with ND, they are definitely not the same though. I’d say a lot of parents with ND children are much better and more engaged parents than those with NT kids, because they have to be as the world is still not very friendly to ND people

Thank you. I also think that's true. I've had to engage more with DS when he hadn;t any friends, or lacked social skills or had social anxiety and needed a lot of guidance and support to do the basics. He can now do them. he has learned social skills very well and is now very sociable with a good set of friends. But it took so long. I couldn't just chuck him out into the garden with a couple of school mates and a football.