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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'ADHD is the result of bad parenting?'

296 replies

porridgeisbae · 26/05/2023 19:15

Does anyone here believe in that anymore? Admittedly I don't chat to many people outside of MN, but I hadn't even thought of that idea for a while- someone laid into me about it when I hadn't thought it was due to the parents for a moment in that discussion, I was just seeing it as a neurological difference.

I have some non-NT traits myself.

OP posts:
danni0509 · 27/05/2023 18:09

WonderingWanda · 26/05/2023 20:44

It's nothing to do with bad parenting.

However, as a teacher I think children from dysfunctional families often get diagnosis for adhd faster. The lack of nurture /structure in some households mean the child struggles more and gets noticed faster. Imagine 2 children with adhd, both with the inattentive type. Child A lives in a chaotic home with no books, they are shouted at regularly, stay up late, no one checks their school bag or makes them lunch. That child comes to school tired, lacking in equipment and hungry and this exacerbates their adhd symptoms. Child B lives in a more nurturing home where their parents hug them when they've had a bad day, read books with them, pack their school bag, read their school newsletter and discuss their current topic at home, they have routines are well fed and get lots of sleep That child goes to school and copes better, they miss things in class but they are quiet and struggle on, the teacher doesn't notice or just thinks they aren't very bright.

Ds lives in the house you describe as child B) but behaves like he’s from the house in child A) 🤣🤣 noticeable adhd symptoms from 18 months old. Picked up in nursery.

Diagnosed and medicated early. He’s 9 now, has severe adhd, that even medication isnt helping..

mumda · 27/05/2023 18:34

What's the distribution of ADHD around the world?

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 18:40

@mumda I think it might not be diagnosed as much in some countries but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist as much there.

severe adhd, that even medication isnt helping.

@danni0509 Sorry to hear that. Have they tried him on risperidone or something to chill him out? I take Quetiapine as one of my meds for my bipolar and it does help. Risperidone didn't suit me personally, but I imagine there are more than one such med they could try for him.

OP posts:
aloris · 27/05/2023 19:21

So, linkage studies indicate that ADHD has a multigene origin - many "hits" (mutations) are required to bring function to a low enough level that it is recognisable as a disabled state. (It's also highly heritable, supporting the claim that it's "real."). Similar studies have also indicated at least some of these genes are to do with dopamine regulation so the idea that this is all "made up" is a bit tendentious I think.

Because ADHD is a "many hits" condition, it's not very surprising that many parents of kids who have ADHD, also feel like they are a bit ADHD-ish. Parents may in fact have some ADHD traits, because they have some mutated genes. In a particular child, those genes combine to produce a loss of function sufficient to result in disability. Likewise, kids can sometimes compensate with other traits such as a high IQ. Having organised, highly functional parents (likely parents who do not have ADHD, albeit they may have some of the traits), may also be a resource that helps a child with ADHD to learn to cope with their condition. By the same token, if it's the parents who have few resources (low income, traumatic family background, low IQ, etc) then those parents will not be able to teach the child techniques to cope with their ADHD. So when a child comes from a family with "bad parenting," and then that child gets an ADHD diagnosis, that does not necessarily mean the child is a neurotypical child whose behavior has been messed up by "bad parenting" . It could be that the child has ADHD and the parents also have ADHD and/or other conditions that affect their ability to develop and teach coping techniques.

Another factor that should be apparent when you recognise that ADHD is a "many hits" condition, is that it's probably going to be on a spectrum - some people have really severe forms, other people have milder forms, yet other people have some ADHD traits but not enough to meet an official diagnosis. The diagnosis process uses the checklists to rate such behaviors on a scale and sum them to a "T score" but ultimately the question is whether the person's condition is disabling in their environment. What this means is that, as the environment becomes more and more stringent in the behaviors required to function, or the complexity of required behaviors rises, the threshold for someone's ADHD traits being disabling becomes lower, therefore more people will be diagnosed with ADHD.

supadupapupascupa · 27/05/2023 19:21

mumda · 27/05/2023 18:34

What's the distribution of ADHD around the world?

It will be higher where the diagnosis occurs. I don't think that statistic would tell you anything

porridgeisbae · 27/05/2023 19:49

@aloris I expect there are multiple genetic etc variations that can cause actual ADHD in and of themselves, too, as there are for ASD.

OP posts:
Coffeelotsofcoffee · 27/05/2023 20:00

My child has ADHD.
he was an IVF baby 9 years in the making. I'm a social worker of 14 years. My husband works in a similar sector however in management. I have a child development post graduate cert.
My son was breastfed until 3 and a half years age.
I was a stay at home mum until he was 3 so no extensive early childcare. ...I could go on.

We're good parents. But my child still has ADHD

autienotnaughtym · 27/05/2023 20:26

Parents who have compliant children are often quite smug with their parenting skills when actually minimal effort is required. Parenting a child sen requires a lot of patience, empathy, compromise and an ability to think out side the box. And even then you will not have a compliant child. So you work ten times harder but are still judged because your child doesn't comply

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/05/2023 13:43

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 27/05/2023 20:00

My child has ADHD.
he was an IVF baby 9 years in the making. I'm a social worker of 14 years. My husband works in a similar sector however in management. I have a child development post graduate cert.
My son was breastfed until 3 and a half years age.
I was a stay at home mum until he was 3 so no extensive early childcare. ...I could go on.

We're good parents. But my child still has ADHD

And the fact you felt you needed to write all that is because of perceptions that are still around around Adhd .😞

fUNNYfACE36 · 28/05/2023 14:19

Coffeelotsofcoffee · 27/05/2023 20:00

My child has ADHD.
he was an IVF baby 9 years in the making. I'm a social worker of 14 years. My husband works in a similar sector however in management. I have a child development post graduate cert.
My son was breastfed until 3 and a half years age.
I was a stay at home mum until he was 3 so no extensive early childcare. ...I could go on.

We're good parents. But my child still has ADHD

Hmm.i have come across this with these so called child development experts and child psychologists.Too much theory and no common sense!

fUNNYfACE36 · 28/05/2023 14:23

fUNNYfACE36 · 28/05/2023 14:19

Hmm.i have come across this with these so called child development experts and child psychologists.Too much theory and no common sense!

Not saying its the cause in your case of course.i don't know you or your child.i am deeply suspicious of people who are so certain they are excellent parents.i think that anyone who actually is , would understand that it us often very difficult to know what the right thing to do is, and reflect more critically on their parenting.

porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 17:59

Not saying its the cause in your case of course.i don't know you or your child.i am deeply suspicious of people who are so certain they are excellent parents.i think that anyone who actually is , would understand that it us often very difficult to know what the right thing to do is, and reflect more critically on their parenting.

@fUNNYfACE36 The PP was responding to the people in the thread who were falsely and insultingly saying that ADHD is due to lack of attachment or other poor parenting etc. This is obviously really offensive to parents- and it's also untrue.

People who's kids happen to have ADHD don't have to 'reflect critically on their parenting' when it comes to their kids ADHD, because it's nothing they've done.

I'm sure they've all already felt more than enough unwarranted guilt and pain about it and wrongly feared they did do something to cause it.

This doesn't mean that these parents don't reflect critically on their parenting just as much, in fact more, than other parents.

They have to constantly try to find/learn ways in which to help their DC who have a disability (or divergence to those who prefer to call it that.)

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 28/05/2023 18:03

Do you all think the younger generation or two are less prejudiced about these things? Say, people in their late teens to mid 20s, or even millenials.

I'd imagine they are usually more 'right on' about these things and don't see ADHD or ASD as some fault or deficiency in the individual or their parents, just a difference or a disability they can't help happening to have.

OP posts:
Achwheesht · 28/05/2023 22:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

behuman · 03/02/2024 12:36

We are a family of 5, all with diagnosed ADHD. All diagnosed within 2 years. Incredible and wonderful journey. As a 50+ to suddenly have all you life unexplained issues suddenly making sense is incredible. I have finally forgiven my self for being me - I stopped self harming and I am slowly coming around to that I am not the walking disaster I have always been. Maybe one day I will allow my self to like myself even... onwards and upwards.
About payment for medication. My children were diagnosed privately as circumstances made the two year wait unacceptable due to my children going down each their separate individual dark spiral. But after diagnosis you only have to pay privately for 1 month of medication, after that you get a shared care plan with your GP and the NHS pays for it.
For anyone over 19 years old, you can pre pay through the NHS, so you pay a little over £9 per month for all your prescriptions combined. I can't take any ADHD medication unfortunately as I have a bad heart, but I use the pre payment for all my heart medications - hence I knew about it already.

Hairbrushhandle · 03/02/2024 12:38

My bad parenting is a result of my dc's ADHD. If they would just put their socks on when asked the first time I wouldnt have to hide in cupboards eating Chocolate spread from the jar

teabycandlelight · 03/02/2024 14:45

Hairbrushhandle · 03/02/2024 12:38

My bad parenting is a result of my dc's ADHD. If they would just put their socks on when asked the first time I wouldnt have to hide in cupboards eating Chocolate spread from the jar

Haha - I can relate!

I’ve been dying to scream into the void after trying to get my son out of the door for an activity that started at 1030!! 😩😤

Theordinary · 03/02/2024 18:21

I always thought that the existence of ADHD had been proved with brain scans. Also it's pretty well known that it is a dificiency of Dopamine in the brain isn't it? Unless I dreamt that up. I have one child with ADHD and my knowledge is based on what I've read on the subject.
Whoever said kids with ADHD are harder work to parent would be spot on. That's partly because many parenting strategies recommended by experts don't seem to work as well with ADHD in my experience.

Mumof2NDers · 03/02/2024 19:59

Tigofigo · 26/05/2023 21:24

THANK YOU for this post.

My child with ADHD is (or was) sweet, kind, wanted to do well and behave. But before we understood what was happening, we got frustrated that he found it really hard to do things other kids didn't need to be told twice. We must have told him to do x or y literally hundreds of times, and overcoming the challenges and impulses is just so hard for him. Literally years of corrections and "consequences" from us in an attempt to be "good" parents has in fact made him into a less happy, more anxious child and hasn't even really improved the behaviours (which weren't actually damaging or "naughty"). Now we've spent years and £££ trying to undo the damage.

What an honest post! Thank you!
I have 2 DS’s with ADHD. DS1(23) was diagnosed at 12 and we did the same, spent all our time and energy trying to “fix” the problem, trying to force him to conform. He’s basically a well rounded adult but lacks confidence and has terrible health anxiety. I blame myself for this. It makes me sad.
DS2(16) was diagnosed at 8 and I was adamant I wasn’t going to repeat my mistakes. We accepted he was “different” and spent our time and energy in helping him navigate life.He is a confident young man and has applied to join the army.
The guilt I have about the difference in their upbringing will never leave me.

Mumof2NDers · 03/02/2024 20:23

Hairbrushhandle · 03/02/2024 12:38

My bad parenting is a result of my dc's ADHD. If they would just put their socks on when asked the first time I wouldnt have to hide in cupboards eating Chocolate spread from the jar

😀. Mine are older now (16 and 23) but I remember those days well. DS2 was worse. Trying to wrestle him into his uniform, shoes and socks. I’d leave the room for 2 minutes and he’d stripped off again. I don’t know how I managed to ever get to work on time.

porridgeisbae · 03/02/2024 20:25

@Mumof2NDers Please try not to feel guilty, it is unwarranted. You did what you thought was best and you didn't know any different at the time. It's all a learning curve and of course you might know more about how to help a child with ADHD the second time you do it. I'm sure DS1 would've fared far worse with many parents.

Your DS1 is still young and he will find ways to improve his mental health. x

OP posts:
Mumof2NDers · 03/02/2024 20:25

autienotnaughtym · 27/05/2023 20:26

Parents who have compliant children are often quite smug with their parenting skills when actually minimal effort is required. Parenting a child sen requires a lot of patience, empathy, compromise and an ability to think out side the box. And even then you will not have a compliant child. So you work ten times harder but are still judged because your child doesn't comply

^^This!!! The worst thing for me was other parents offering advice! If you don’t have a ND child please don’t! You have no idea!

Mumof2NDers · 03/02/2024 20:28

porridgeisbae · 03/02/2024 20:25

@Mumof2NDers Please try not to feel guilty, it is unwarranted. You did what you thought was best and you didn't know any different at the time. It's all a learning curve and of course you might know more about how to help a child with ADHD the second time you do it. I'm sure DS1 would've fared far worse with many parents.

Your DS1 is still young and he will find ways to improve his mental health. x

Thankyou for that. I really needed to hear it. I worry often that I’ve ruined his life. He doesn’t feel that way, he thinks I’m the best mum ever. 😀. We’re very close and I’m helping him navigate life now and hoping it’s not too little too late.
He’s unfortunate enough to have the double whammy of ADHD and TS and does find life a struggle.

Lancrelady80 · 03/02/2024 20:38

TLDR ... my initial reaction just to the thread title was "Fuck off!"

Many, many families have a child / children with ADHD and it's absolutely nothing they have done wrong. I guess if a parent is seen by strangers struggling with a child then "it's ADHD" might look like it's a result of poor parenting but it's not - it's just hard dealing with them in public!

However, there also some families where the ADHD label gives a get out of jail free card for parenting which may not have been optimal, and also used as an excuse: "my child couldn't help punching the other child and swearing at the teacher as he has ADHD so he shouldn't get a detention/ exclusion/ whatever. I can't get him to do anything at home either." And in some of those cases, you do have to wonder...

Wallawallawallaby · 03/02/2024 20:51

Namasti · 26/05/2023 19:24

ADHD is not the result of bad parenting!

However I would say some poor parenting/attachment difficulties/ behavioural problems leads to families seeking a diagnosis of ADHD or ASD to explain the difficulties, as addressing the real difficulty is likely to be painful.

ADHD is in no way due to bad parenting, but symptoms of ADHD have cross over with symptoms of childhood trauma, so sometimes that causes confusion for people.

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