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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving out wedding invites at another wedding

177 replies

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I live in Austria, and will get married here. The majority of the rest of my big family are in the UK, and a few scattered across Europe the only time either side get together is a wedding or funeral. In my culture normally out of respect you would visit your elders to give them their invites - I am the youngest of the family so this would have meant visiting everyone (about 35 households), however we were only in the UK for a long weekend, and the next time we return it would be only 3 months before my wedding. My cousin got married, and my intention was to give invites at the very end to the people living in the EU, and I would post the rest to the ones living in the UK.
About 40mins before the end of the wedding I approached one of my aunt's who doesn't live in the UK, knelt beside her and explained that I wanted to give her my wedding invite as I will not see her. She was next to my other Aunt who does live in the UK, and she asked for her invite too. I said I would post hers, and her children's invites too, but she said to save the postage and to give her a headstart on planning she would like hers now. So I give her hers and ones for her children too.
I gave my uncle one who also doesn't live in the UK one and sat down. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to everyone individually as we were not going to see them for a while and my 2 other aunts and a few cousins also asked for their invites too rather than posting them. I gave it to them, and everyone from my mum's side had received their invites bar my cousin whose wedding it was and her parents. I would post these to them to avoid disturbing them.
However now the mother of the bride said I completely hijacked the evening, and it was really rude of me to do this. The wedding had been a whole day thing (11am til 11pm), and it was not my intention to attract any attention at all. For reference there were about 350 people at the wedding, and I only spoke to and gave 8 people invites (some of them multiple to give to their children) at the end of the wedding. If this was to happen at my own wedding I really don't think I would mind - it would be the next exciting thing to look forward to and when my family would get together. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
cuckyplunt · 26/05/2023 12:46

Must have been a fairly shit wedding if that is all it took to derail it.

PrincessofWellies · 26/05/2023 12:47

Bad form I'm afraid.

BreadInCaptivity · 26/05/2023 12:49

I think it was fine.

You handed them out discreetly to a very small number of people.

It isn't like you stood up in front of everyone to announce you were getting married.

The reality is hardly anyone would have even noticed.

The MOB is being ridiculous and as the poster above said, if that's all it took to derail the wedding it must have been a very sorry affair indeed.

skgnome · 26/05/2023 12:51

I get you traditionally go visit people to let them know the news and give the formal invite
in this case I’m assuming they already knew you were getting married and the invite was more of a formality- in which case, if it was done as you described, at the end without causing a fuzz, it’s just ok
it’s a very grey area, you should not normally do it, but I think in this case it would be just ok
to say it “ruined the whole evening” is an over reaction - unless it was a rubbish evening and that was the most exciting part of the day

CC4712 · 26/05/2023 12:55

Could you not have given them out, when they were outside the venue getting cars home?

I know you tried to do it discreetly, but I personally wouldn't have done this at someone elses wedding. It certainly wouldn't have ruined the entire day- but it is a bit thoughtless.

Changeforachange · 26/05/2023 12:55

If you'd grabbed the mic off the DJ and made an announcement I could see the issue.

Is the bride bothered?

Sceptre86 · 26/05/2023 12:58

If family are that important to you you should have run it past the bride to make sure it was OK. I think you were rude. You may have only given the invites to a small number of people but they were talking about it and others asked for their invite too so more people were involved in the conversation. It would have been better to ask your parents for some guidance on this. You haven't mentioned your culture but I'm south asian and would definitely not do this nor find it acceptable if someone did this at mine.

Nicecow · 26/05/2023 12:58

I don't see the big deal. Although I can see that someone may think you are trying to steal the thunder. Tbh it's irrelevant what we think, it's what the bride and groom think really

BellaJuno · 26/05/2023 13:00

Why did you have all the invites with you at the wedding if you were intending to post the majority of them?

I think it’s a bit rude OP, although I bet you were trying to be practical.

Paws09 · 26/05/2023 13:03

I think it’s rude tbh. As pp said why did you have so many invites on you? Wedding invites generally are pretty bulky and annoying to carry, not the sort of thing you just carry all the time, so why did you just happen to have the invites of all these guests on your person?

Paws09 · 26/05/2023 13:04

Someone spent my wedding telling other guests he was going to propose to his girlfriend. It definitely soured things between us and the other guests thought he was rude!

dooneyousmugelf · 26/05/2023 13:07

I think that's appalling, I'm sorry. You also intended to hand out so many invites, not post them, or you wouldn't have brought them with you.

OrchidsBlooming · 26/05/2023 13:08

Why didn't you check with the bride or the brides mum?
I suspect you didn't because you knew they'd be miffed or say no (rightly or wrongly - they are allowed to feel whatever they want, regardless of how you would feel) If that was the case then yes you were BU by doing it on the sly.

Lottapianos · 26/05/2023 13:09

My sister announced her own engagement the night before our cousin's wedding! As in, ANNOUNCED it to everyone she spoke to, complete with ring waving 🤦🏻‍♂️

Compared to that, I think you're fine OP! Sounds like you did it as discreetly as possible

Villagetoraiseachild · 26/05/2023 13:09

I'm sorry Op, it comes over as quite tacky and thoughtless...
However you paint it, it comes over as me centred on someone else's special day....

luckylavender · 26/05/2023 13:09

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I live in Austria, and will get married here. The majority of the rest of my big family are in the UK, and a few scattered across Europe the only time either side get together is a wedding or funeral. In my culture normally out of respect you would visit your elders to give them their invites - I am the youngest of the family so this would have meant visiting everyone (about 35 households), however we were only in the UK for a long weekend, and the next time we return it would be only 3 months before my wedding. My cousin got married, and my intention was to give invites at the very end to the people living in the EU, and I would post the rest to the ones living in the UK.
About 40mins before the end of the wedding I approached one of my aunt's who doesn't live in the UK, knelt beside her and explained that I wanted to give her my wedding invite as I will not see her. She was next to my other Aunt who does live in the UK, and she asked for her invite too. I said I would post hers, and her children's invites too, but she said to save the postage and to give her a headstart on planning she would like hers now. So I give her hers and ones for her children too.
I gave my uncle one who also doesn't live in the UK one and sat down. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to everyone individually as we were not going to see them for a while and my 2 other aunts and a few cousins also asked for their invites too rather than posting them. I gave it to them, and everyone from my mum's side had received their invites bar my cousin whose wedding it was and her parents. I would post these to them to avoid disturbing them.
However now the mother of the bride said I completely hijacked the evening, and it was really rude of me to do this. The wedding had been a whole day thing (11am til 11pm), and it was not my intention to attract any attention at all. For reference there were about 350 people at the wedding, and I only spoke to and gave 8 people invites (some of them multiple to give to their children) at the end of the wedding. If this was to happen at my own wedding I really don't think I would mind - it would be the next exciting thing to look forward to and when my family would get together. Was I unreasonable?

Terrible form.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 26/05/2023 13:10

cuckyplunt · 26/05/2023 12:46

Must have been a fairly shit wedding if that is all it took to derail it.

😅😅😅😅

FloweryName · 26/05/2023 13:11

That was rude of you.

Why did you have invitations that you had planned to post with you as a wedding guest?

Original poster
Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:15

Yes, everyone had known we were engaged and when the wedding would be. The invite was really just the details of the location, and information about the area and hotels for them to book if they wish to come

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 26/05/2023 13:16

Cant see the problem if you did as you described. I wouldn't worry about it

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/05/2023 13:18

Personally, no. Would post them all.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 26/05/2023 13:19

I think a lot of people are commenting without thinking about what it's like for a different culture or when you don't live in the same country as many of your guests.

This was the case for us. We gave out a load of save the date cards to DH's family the day after our niece's wedding - we don't live in the same country. We were all together tidying the hall where they had held their reception. Niece was absolutely not offended.

On my side, we gave them out at the end of a week-long holiday celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary - we don't live in this country either. We did it on the last night, before everyone went their separate ways and again, it wasn't a problem for the people whose celebration it was.

On both occasions we kept it as low key as possible.

It's difficult when you only see people very occasionally. It might have been better if you'd stuck to your guns and just given out those you really had to, but I can understand why you did it.

I think people on here are being unduly harsh and not taking the circumstances into account

Original poster
Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:20

I only had the invites as before the wedding I visited my grandmother (fathers side of the family, and lived 15mins away from the venue) to give her her own invite, and the rest of my dad's family's invites were left with her.
The remaining invites were going to be handed to my mum who would have kindly posted them as I didn't have addresses for some family members, and she would have sorted that out for me

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 26/05/2023 13:20

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:15

Yes, everyone had known we were engaged and when the wedding would be. The invite was really just the details of the location, and information about the area and hotels for them to book if they wish to come

But why did you have them on you at someone else’s wedding if you were intending to post them?

Twinpeaches · 26/05/2023 13:24

It’s clearly a bit OTT to suggest you hijacked the wedding but I do think you were unreasonable to do what you did. I do get the issues not living in the same country and wanting to give them out in person etc, but at someone else’s wedding is just off. Would there have been no other opportunities to drop them off the day after the wedding before you travelled home for example?

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