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Original poster

Giving out wedding invites at another wedding

177 replies

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I live in Austria, and will get married here. The majority of the rest of my big family are in the UK, and a few scattered across Europe the only time either side get together is a wedding or funeral. In my culture normally out of respect you would visit your elders to give them their invites - I am the youngest of the family so this would have meant visiting everyone (about 35 households), however we were only in the UK for a long weekend, and the next time we return it would be only 3 months before my wedding. My cousin got married, and my intention was to give invites at the very end to the people living in the EU, and I would post the rest to the ones living in the UK.
About 40mins before the end of the wedding I approached one of my aunt's who doesn't live in the UK, knelt beside her and explained that I wanted to give her my wedding invite as I will not see her. She was next to my other Aunt who does live in the UK, and she asked for her invite too. I said I would post hers, and her children's invites too, but she said to save the postage and to give her a headstart on planning she would like hers now. So I give her hers and ones for her children too.
I gave my uncle one who also doesn't live in the UK one and sat down. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to everyone individually as we were not going to see them for a while and my 2 other aunts and a few cousins also asked for their invites too rather than posting them. I gave it to them, and everyone from my mum's side had received their invites bar my cousin whose wedding it was and her parents. I would post these to them to avoid disturbing them.
However now the mother of the bride said I completely hijacked the evening, and it was really rude of me to do this. The wedding had been a whole day thing (11am til 11pm), and it was not my intention to attract any attention at all. For reference there were about 350 people at the wedding, and I only spoke to and gave 8 people invites (some of them multiple to give to their children) at the end of the wedding. If this was to happen at my own wedding I really don't think I would mind - it would be the next exciting thing to look forward to and when my family would get together. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
clpsmum · 27/05/2023 04:34

I think it's really rude of you tbh

Dacadactyl · 27/05/2023 05:09

cuckyplunt · 26/05/2023 12:46

Must have been a fairly shit wedding if that is all it took to derail it.

I agree TOTALLY.

Grumpusaurus · 27/05/2023 05:18

That was incredibly rude of you! The mother is right. I am shocked you lack such basic manners and respect you even had to ask!

user40643 · 27/05/2023 06:07

I'm confused OP.

You said it's respectful to hand them out in person but you're posting the other 35 so why not post these ones?

It's very rude imo

parrotonthesofa · 27/05/2023 06:43

Very surprised by the réponses! I wouldn't care at all if you did this.

londonrach · 27/05/2023 06:53

It is abit rude although it's practical.

hardboiledeggs · 27/05/2023 07:42

Bit an overreaction on the brides part but pretty poor show from you tbh.

VerasRaincoat · 27/05/2023 07:59

@Frabbits good manners aren’t old fashioned, "Good manners are ageless, timeless, classless and priceless. They are about treating people (and ourselves) with respect, putting them at ease, and respecting the views of others.”

You clearly think my education was old fashioned, but there is a reason for the current demand for etiquette classes, for those who didn’t attend private school. Bad manners can make or break you in the business world.

And while you may say it’s 2023, so (supposed) to old fashioned manners shouldn’t no need to be followed, the poll currently shows that over half of people disagree with you. Manners clearly still matter.

VerasRaincoat · 27/05/2023 08:00

*And while you may say it’s 2023, so (supposedly ) old fashioned manners shouldn’t need to be followed,

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 27/05/2023 08:07

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:30

The bride has not said anything to me about it, and is also not acting any differently towards me.

I can't believe how precious people are being about this. I'll bet the bride and groom were too busy and knackered by the end of the day to even notice it, and I doubt they'd given a hoot even if they had. As at least one pp has said, it's not as if you grabbed the mike from the DJ before the first dance and said "Come and get your invites to MY wedding!"
Congratulations on your wedding @Cookingmama12, I hope you have a wonderful day.

Qilin · 27/05/2023 08:14

Weddings bring out the very worst in people, especially those who are right at the centre - brides, grooms, parents.

Giving out a couple of invitations at the end of a wedding as people left isn't an issue really, especially if living overseas and you don't normally see them.

Ridiculous for the mother to have a go at you about it. As if the few moments, 12 hours later as people left, really had any form of negative impact on the wedding. And if it did, then it just have been a shockingly poor wedding all round tbh!

RedRobin100 · 27/05/2023 08:14

BreadInCaptivity · 26/05/2023 12:49

I think it was fine.

You handed them out discreetly to a very small number of people.

It isn't like you stood up in front of everyone to announce you were getting married.

The reality is hardly anyone would have even noticed.

The MOB is being ridiculous and as the poster above said, if that's all it took to derail the wedding it must have been a very sorry affair indeed.

Agreed

but we all know wedding politics makes some people crazy..

Tinybrother · 27/05/2023 08:20

VerasRaincoat · 27/05/2023 07:59

@Frabbits good manners aren’t old fashioned, "Good manners are ageless, timeless, classless and priceless. They are about treating people (and ourselves) with respect, putting them at ease, and respecting the views of others.”

You clearly think my education was old fashioned, but there is a reason for the current demand for etiquette classes, for those who didn’t attend private school. Bad manners can make or break you in the business world.

And while you may say it’s 2023, so (supposed) to old fashioned manners shouldn’t no need to be followed, the poll currently shows that over half of people disagree with you. Manners clearly still matter.

it was bad manners for the MOB to badmouth a guest, even if she disapproved of the behaviour.

Middlelanehogger · 27/05/2023 08:27

Agree with PP it's a bit off, sorry

I don't know the origins of your cultural tradition to deliver in person, but I'd imagine the origins of it are to show respect to elders in the family, and take the time with them, connect with them before the wedding, maybe give them an opportunity to share some advice etc, all nice things like that. I don't think you were really observing that tradition properly by just quickly shoving an invitation in their hands. A video call later when you both had time to focus would have been better

Also I think it's really off to give some people invitations to an event and not the people around them! The people next to your relatives are bound to have noticed and been curious and maybe a bit insulted that they are excluded. Even if they don't know you / wouldn't want to go to your wedding, it's still weird to just sit there while someone else gets invited to a party in front of you...!

Tinybrother · 27/05/2023 08:28

The thing about truly good manners is that you put others at their ease and don’t make people feel like outsiders for not observing or understanding social norms.

PurplePansy05 · 27/05/2023 08:31

Bad form. I would have prearranged with them to meet up before/after the wedding for this.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/05/2023 08:46

Outstanding hyperbole on this thread

8 invites out of 350 enough time derail a wedding - must have been an extremely dull wedding!

wouldn’t have been remotely bothered if anyone had done this at my wedding

Catlover77 · 27/05/2023 08:49

You gave out invitations 😀

Frabbits · 27/05/2023 09:08

VerasRaincoat · 27/05/2023 07:59

@Frabbits good manners aren’t old fashioned, "Good manners are ageless, timeless, classless and priceless. They are about treating people (and ourselves) with respect, putting them at ease, and respecting the views of others.”

You clearly think my education was old fashioned, but there is a reason for the current demand for etiquette classes, for those who didn’t attend private school. Bad manners can make or break you in the business world.

And while you may say it’s 2023, so (supposed) to old fashioned manners shouldn’t no need to be followed, the poll currently shows that over half of people disagree with you. Manners clearly still matter.

Have a go at explaining why discreetly giving out 8 invites in private at the end of a wedding is rude, besides "just because".

Debinaround · 27/05/2023 09:09

I don't understand how people would be arsed about this. At my wedding everyone was dancing, eating, drinking, chatting. No way would I have noticed you passing around 8 invitations let alone be bothered about it. My wedding was a lot smaller than 350 people too!

If the brides mother, or anyone else, was bothered by it then they obviously have nothing better to worry about. Sad for them really. Put it out of your mind and don't let it bother you. Hopefully if she mentions it to anyone they will tell her she's being daft.

allthewoes · 27/05/2023 09:10

I think it was fine. Wouldn't bother me.

Evaka · 27/05/2023 09:15

You did absolutely nothing wrong OP. People have the maddest rules about weddings.

Makemyday99 · 27/05/2023 09:20

It’s done now, she’ll get over it & some other trivial BS will be her focus soon enough. If your cousin was bothered by it apologise & move on.

Cornettoninja · 27/05/2023 09:25

Tinybrother · 27/05/2023 08:28

The thing about truly good manners is that you put others at their ease and don’t make people feel like outsiders for not observing or understanding social norms.

I agree.

The MOB was monumentally rude and aggressive to go out of her way to ensure the OP knows her thoughts on it when it had precisely zero impact on the day as a whole.

It’s already done and unlikely to happen again so what purpose is there other than allowing her to rant and make someone feel like shit? That’s bloody rude.

VDisappointing · 27/05/2023 11:51

Honestly - what would you have done if you had of not been at this wedding? You would have posted them despite it being a cultural thing to hand it out. Its very telling you did not give them to the bride and mother'n'law when you said culturally its the thing to do....but not for the people hosting you on that night? It was OK not to give the invites to them? You can't have it both ways. I am not surprised they are upset.
This would have been easily solved by asking before the wedding if they were OK about this. You knew they might not be hence your decision to not 'disturb' them by giving them by not giving them an invite in person.
Damage is done - you can only apologise and hope to move forward. But I would stop with the you only did this for cultural reasons - because you seemed to have not been worried about that when it came to the bride and her parents - the people hosting you that evening.

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