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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving out wedding invites at another wedding

177 replies

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I live in Austria, and will get married here. The majority of the rest of my big family are in the UK, and a few scattered across Europe the only time either side get together is a wedding or funeral. In my culture normally out of respect you would visit your elders to give them their invites - I am the youngest of the family so this would have meant visiting everyone (about 35 households), however we were only in the UK for a long weekend, and the next time we return it would be only 3 months before my wedding. My cousin got married, and my intention was to give invites at the very end to the people living in the EU, and I would post the rest to the ones living in the UK.
About 40mins before the end of the wedding I approached one of my aunt's who doesn't live in the UK, knelt beside her and explained that I wanted to give her my wedding invite as I will not see her. She was next to my other Aunt who does live in the UK, and she asked for her invite too. I said I would post hers, and her children's invites too, but she said to save the postage and to give her a headstart on planning she would like hers now. So I give her hers and ones for her children too.
I gave my uncle one who also doesn't live in the UK one and sat down. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to everyone individually as we were not going to see them for a while and my 2 other aunts and a few cousins also asked for their invites too rather than posting them. I gave it to them, and everyone from my mum's side had received their invites bar my cousin whose wedding it was and her parents. I would post these to them to avoid disturbing them.
However now the mother of the bride said I completely hijacked the evening, and it was really rude of me to do this. The wedding had been a whole day thing (11am til 11pm), and it was not my intention to attract any attention at all. For reference there were about 350 people at the wedding, and I only spoke to and gave 8 people invites (some of them multiple to give to their children) at the end of the wedding. If this was to happen at my own wedding I really don't think I would mind - it would be the next exciting thing to look forward to and when my family would get together. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
darjeelingrose · 26/05/2023 16:21

Can you explain the cultural element? Is this an Austrian thing? Why are you not following British tradition and posting them?

mondaytosunday · 26/05/2023 16:27

Why did you have the invites in you? I would have lied snd said I didn't have them I'll post them.
Afraid I do think it was bad form. My cousin informed people she was pregnant with her third child at my wedding and I was pretty pissed off (she saw all the people regularly, just not altogether).
I don't care if it's normal to visit family and give out invites in person. You should either have given the invites out before the day or after. And three months is plenty of time to have given out invitations.

Muncha · 26/05/2023 16:30

Bad form. Not as bad as Meaghan announcing she was up the duff at Eugenie's wedding but still not cricket.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2023 16:34

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:28

I would not have been able to go to 35 people's houses to drop them off in 1 day as I was leaving the day after. The only reason it was handed to more than the 2 people I intended to initially wanted to give them to was only because people were asking for them, and by that point people were leaving and it was the end of the wedding. Like people had coats and bags on and were just saying bye to each other.

What I find odd is you were carrying them all around. You weren't leaving till the next day so handing them to your mom etc, we're you actually doing that AT the wedding? Had you carried them with you all day?

I don't think it's a massive deal tho, I think the Mom over reacted

westcoast · 26/05/2023 16:36

Very rude, this was the bride and grooms day and their parents too. They (presumably) paid a lot to money to host the wedding and you came in at the end announcing your event. You know all too well Auntie’s gossip and if you gave one out, others would want theirs and that this was bad form.

Regardless of how you would feel if your cousin did this on your wedding day, you owe them an apology and I hope you learn a lesson.

mcmooberry · 26/05/2023 16:42

I think it was fine, you didn't announce your engagement. I wouldn't have cared one bit about this, especially as it was 8 people out of 350 who got an invitation.

Aeth · 26/05/2023 17:02

She has overreacted, I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I think sometimes people look for a reason to be offended.
Quietly handing out a small number of invitations at the end of a wedding is hardly an issue, but there do seem to be a lot of professionally offended people around these days who would think it wrong.

EmeraldPanda · 26/05/2023 17:04

I think it’s pretty rude OP. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be, but it comes across as thoughtless and a bit selfish. I would apologise.

Frabbits · 26/05/2023 17:10

westcoast · 26/05/2023 16:36

Very rude, this was the bride and grooms day and their parents too. They (presumably) paid a lot to money to host the wedding and you came in at the end announcing your event. You know all too well Auntie’s gossip and if you gave one out, others would want theirs and that this was bad form.

Regardless of how you would feel if your cousin did this on your wedding day, you owe them an apology and I hope you learn a lesson.

But op didn't announce anything.

She handed out invites to 8 guests out of 350 in private at the end of the night.

Nothing to apologise for.

OooohKeepYourKnickersOn · 26/05/2023 17:18

I think it really rude , you just don't do that

tootyflooty · 26/05/2023 17:23

Crickey some people are so precious, why would anybody be offended by this, it's a family occasion, if the brides mother took offence she has a problem. It isn't like you interrupted the speeches to announce you were handing out invitations!!

StillNeedACardi · 26/05/2023 17:50

Oh another thread, showing wedding preciousness. People need to get a grip and remember what the purpose of the wedding is. To have a marriage ceremony with friends and family there, enjoy yourselves and then get on with your lives.

This nitpicking about etiquette, getting all outraged about pathetic stuff like this is ridiculous. I would be embarrassed to think this was rude. Handing out a few invites to guests wearing coats and about to leave is barely worth a mention, never mind a huff.

StillNeedACardi · 26/05/2023 17:51

Aprilx · 26/05/2023 14:24

Absolutely appalling. You obviously were not discrete because others got to hear about it and it sounds like you handed out quite a lot from your description. In any case you shouldn’t have even had them with you. Very poor show.

‘Absolutely appalling’ 😂😂😂😂 Calm down hyacinth.

rookiemere · 26/05/2023 17:52

I'm not a great etiquette follower, but it does seem a bit tacky, almost like right this wedding is at an end, time to be thinking about mine. Also the fact you carried the invites round with you all day is a little odd.

In the UK there is no custom of handing invitations in person, so you would have been much better to mention it verbally and post the invites.

StillNeedACardi · 26/05/2023 17:53

Frabbits · 26/05/2023 16:08

Life just doesn't stop because it's someone's wedding. OP handed out a few invitations at the end of the night because it was convienient to do so. It's not like she got up on the mic and announced the whole engagement or anything.

I can't imagine how up your own arse you have to be to get upset about something like this.

‘I can't imagine how up your own arse you have to be to get upset about something like this.’

So many uptight people here. All this talk of ‘hijacking’ weddings is embarrassing. It takes a certain kind of person to clutch pearls over this. I only know one person IRL who would behave like this. Thankfully!

StillNeedACardi · 26/05/2023 17:55

mondaytosunday · 26/05/2023 16:27

Why did you have the invites in you? I would have lied snd said I didn't have them I'll post them.
Afraid I do think it was bad form. My cousin informed people she was pregnant with her third child at my wedding and I was pretty pissed off (she saw all the people regularly, just not altogether).
I don't care if it's normal to visit family and give out invites in person. You should either have given the invites out before the day or after. And three months is plenty of time to have given out invitations.

‘My cousin informed people she was pregnant with her third child at my wedding and I was pretty pissed off’

Awww was attention taken off you for five minutes? Must have been traumatic 😔

LlynTegid · 26/05/2023 17:55

Bad form I think, even though the reaction seems over the top.

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/05/2023 17:55

It wouldn't bother me at all. My oldest friend's girlfriend caught the bouquet at our wedding, and if he'd have got on one knee there and then and proposed to her I'd have been absolutely over the moon.

I can't imagine that many (if any) of the other 350 guests noticed or cared.

Cuppa2sugars · 26/05/2023 18:09

MOBs seem to easily find fault with weddings,I bet she found faults in just about everything.

openstop · 26/05/2023 18:17

You were very rude

openstop · 26/05/2023 18:18

rookiemere · 26/05/2023 17:52

I'm not a great etiquette follower, but it does seem a bit tacky, almost like right this wedding is at an end, time to be thinking about mine. Also the fact you carried the invites round with you all day is a little odd.

In the UK there is no custom of handing invitations in person, so you would have been much better to mention it verbally and post the invites.

Yes

BreadInCaptivity · 26/05/2023 18:29

StillNeedACardi · 26/05/2023 17:50

Oh another thread, showing wedding preciousness. People need to get a grip and remember what the purpose of the wedding is. To have a marriage ceremony with friends and family there, enjoy yourselves and then get on with your lives.

This nitpicking about etiquette, getting all outraged about pathetic stuff like this is ridiculous. I would be embarrassed to think this was rude. Handing out a few invites to guests wearing coats and about to leave is barely worth a mention, never mind a huff.

Absolutely.

I'm one of the first to pull up "bad form" at weddings but it's an overused term I think.

Bad form:

  • MOB wearing funeral attire and sobbing/wailing during the vows
  • the best man using his speech to propose/ announce a pregnancy
  • the FOB talking about their golden child son and not their daughter
  • a guest wearing full on white
  • guests having a pissed punch up during the reception
  • the MOH declaring their undying love for the groom whose been "stolen"

And obviously (most vitally) the guests being fed crap/tiny food to the extent they are ordering in pizza.

In context handing out invitations as people are leaving is wayyyyyyy down this list😂😂😂

VerasRaincoat · 26/05/2023 18:34

I was forced to go to an old fashioned finishing school so I know (for better or worse) a fair bit about etiquette.

@Cookingmama12 sorry but this was a fairly big breech of good etiquette. At weddings as a guest you should not draw attention to yourself or highlight in any (small or big way) current or future events that aren’t related to the bride and groom.

It’s not as bad as wearing white, but it was definitely very rude.

While delivering invitations by hand is culturally expected, at a wedding the requirement not to draw attention to yourself trumps your want to deliver the invitations, especially if one half of the couple isn’t Austrian.

I’d advise eating humble pie, sending flowers with a short note apologising for your bad manners (don’t say you had to hand deliver them because that sounds like an excuse and won’t wash with the mother).

StillNeedACardi · 26/05/2023 18:35

BreadInCaptivity · 26/05/2023 18:29

Absolutely.

I'm one of the first to pull up "bad form" at weddings but it's an overused term I think.

Bad form:

  • MOB wearing funeral attire and sobbing/wailing during the vows
  • the best man using his speech to propose/ announce a pregnancy
  • the FOB talking about their golden child son and not their daughter
  • a guest wearing full on white
  • guests having a pissed punch up during the reception
  • the MOH declaring their undying love for the groom whose been "stolen"

And obviously (most vitally) the guests being fed crap/tiny food to the extent they are ordering in pizza.

In context handing out invitations as people are leaving is wayyyyyyy down this list😂😂😂

Show quote history

Exactly.

Stingy portions would be top of my list! Look after your guests, people!

SpongeBob2022 · 26/05/2023 19:42

I would view giving out wedding invitations at someone else's wedding as a bit rude but I think context is everything here.

It's a cultural norm for you to hand out in person.
You live in another country so this is the only opportunity.

I don't understand why people on here are so up in arms about it. Yanbu.