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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving out wedding invites at another wedding

177 replies

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I live in Austria, and will get married here. The majority of the rest of my big family are in the UK, and a few scattered across Europe the only time either side get together is a wedding or funeral. In my culture normally out of respect you would visit your elders to give them their invites - I am the youngest of the family so this would have meant visiting everyone (about 35 households), however we were only in the UK for a long weekend, and the next time we return it would be only 3 months before my wedding. My cousin got married, and my intention was to give invites at the very end to the people living in the EU, and I would post the rest to the ones living in the UK.
About 40mins before the end of the wedding I approached one of my aunt's who doesn't live in the UK, knelt beside her and explained that I wanted to give her my wedding invite as I will not see her. She was next to my other Aunt who does live in the UK, and she asked for her invite too. I said I would post hers, and her children's invites too, but she said to save the postage and to give her a headstart on planning she would like hers now. So I give her hers and ones for her children too.
I gave my uncle one who also doesn't live in the UK one and sat down. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to everyone individually as we were not going to see them for a while and my 2 other aunts and a few cousins also asked for their invites too rather than posting them. I gave it to them, and everyone from my mum's side had received their invites bar my cousin whose wedding it was and her parents. I would post these to them to avoid disturbing them.
However now the mother of the bride said I completely hijacked the evening, and it was really rude of me to do this. The wedding had been a whole day thing (11am til 11pm), and it was not my intention to attract any attention at all. For reference there were about 350 people at the wedding, and I only spoke to and gave 8 people invites (some of them multiple to give to their children) at the end of the wedding. If this was to happen at my own wedding I really don't think I would mind - it would be the next exciting thing to look forward to and when my family would get together. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
ToBMarried24 · 26/05/2023 15:10

Poor form!

sheworemellowyellow · 26/05/2023 15:10

The mother of the bride has gone OTT, but what you did was rude.

Part of living abroad, away from family, is that you don't get to retain traditions. Weddings, funerals, holidays, religious ceremonies: everything is complicated. You should have telephoned the people who live outside Austria and the UK to talk to them (in lieu of visiting them) and put the invitations in the mail. It's disrespectful to have treated the wedding as a logistical convenience to you (even though it probably was).

ActDottie · 26/05/2023 15:14

I think what you did was fine. You did it discreetly at the end.

TheApplianceofScience · 26/05/2023 15:15

Frightfully bad show. IMO

AliceOlive · 26/05/2023 15:18

I am a stickler, but you did nothing wrong here.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2023 15:21

Yes, you hijacked the wedding. Someone else's wedding isn't the occasion to take care of personal business/ save on postage (or make any personal announcements such as an engagement or a pregnancy).

You should apologise.

FangsForTheMemory · 26/05/2023 15:22

Vulgar, and for the sake of saving about £15.

LadyJ2023 · 26/05/2023 15:27

Sorry regardless of how you do it its very wrong to actually do it on someonelses big day!

heyitsthistle · 26/05/2023 15:29

As long as it was discrete then I don't really see the problem. I can understand why some people might find it a bit disrespectful or whatever, but it wouldn't bother me!

YellowHatt · 26/05/2023 15:31

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:15

Yes, everyone had known we were engaged and when the wedding would be. The invite was really just the details of the location, and information about the area and hotels for them to book if they wish to come

You can’t downplay it, it’s still a wedding invite. I feel it’s bad form.

HadleyVaughn · 26/05/2023 15:33

It's just not the appropriate time or place to do this. You probably could have got away with it if it were just one or two and outside the venue but handing out 8 of them during someone else's wedding is rude I think. It is the paradigm example of a day that should be entirely about the couple and their wedding.

This was a mistake in my opinion but like any rudeness, it's not catastrophic or earth shattering and people will move on.

YellowHatt · 26/05/2023 15:35

heyitsthistle · 26/05/2023 15:29

As long as it was discrete then I don't really see the problem. I can understand why some people might find it a bit disrespectful or whatever, but it wouldn't bother me!

The Op can’t control how discreet it was though. She could have slipped an invite over quietly but all the people who she gave them out to were all obviously talking about it (as they were bound to do). So then it becomes not at all discreet.

Consequently it was a less than ideal plan.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 26/05/2023 15:38

Would have been better to have posted them!

my sil handed out christening invites the night before my other sil wedding and that put noses out of joint!!

Blondewithredlips · 26/05/2023 15:40

Agree bad form.

Starwind74 · 26/05/2023 15:45

Many years ago I was at a wedding, and the groom’s father announced before starting his speech that his daughter had got engaged that day. I felt that was bit off, as it was the couple getting married’s day.

diddl · 26/05/2023 15:48

I think it was really rude.

If it's that important and the three months before wouldn't be enough time, why wouldn't you have stayed longer whilst over for the wedding or made another trip?

CreamTeaThievery · 26/05/2023 15:53

I wouldn't do it because it IS rude, but if you did it at my wedding I really wouldn't be bothered.

MysteryBelle · 26/05/2023 16:01

I think it’s totally fine! Especially with the context and information you’ve given us. Completely fine.

Be glad you don’t live in the same country as the bridezilla 😀

TeeBee · 26/05/2023 16:02

I think its rude. Bad form.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 26/05/2023 16:06

omg i couldn't care less if someone did this at my wedding

Frabbits · 26/05/2023 16:08

Life just doesn't stop because it's someone's wedding. OP handed out a few invitations at the end of the night because it was convienient to do so. It's not like she got up on the mic and announced the whole engagement or anything.

I can't imagine how up your own arse you have to be to get upset about something like this.

GCalltheway · 26/05/2023 16:17

Really really rude and breathtaking to do on someone else’s special day and make it all about you. Just no.

ClawedButler · 26/05/2023 16:18

I think it was bad form, but not worthy of the MOTB going apeshit over.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/05/2023 16:18

Handing out a few invites to an event the people already know about isn't making it all about you. Ignore what PP have said.
You didn't grab the mic and say you'd be handing invites out, come see me to get yours!

Cornettoninja · 26/05/2023 16:19

This might earn the tiniest of eyebrow raises from me but it’s not a hanging offence! It sounds pretty efficient to hand out what you could and it’s not like you were going round saying your wedding was going to be better (or were you?!?).

I wouldn’t give it another thought bar remembering to laugh heartily if I spied any hint of ‘revenge’ at my own wedding.

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