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AIBU?

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Original poster

Giving out wedding invites at another wedding

177 replies

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 12:44

I live in Austria, and will get married here. The majority of the rest of my big family are in the UK, and a few scattered across Europe the only time either side get together is a wedding or funeral. In my culture normally out of respect you would visit your elders to give them their invites - I am the youngest of the family so this would have meant visiting everyone (about 35 households), however we were only in the UK for a long weekend, and the next time we return it would be only 3 months before my wedding. My cousin got married, and my intention was to give invites at the very end to the people living in the EU, and I would post the rest to the ones living in the UK.
About 40mins before the end of the wedding I approached one of my aunt's who doesn't live in the UK, knelt beside her and explained that I wanted to give her my wedding invite as I will not see her. She was next to my other Aunt who does live in the UK, and she asked for her invite too. I said I would post hers, and her children's invites too, but she said to save the postage and to give her a headstart on planning she would like hers now. So I give her hers and ones for her children too.
I gave my uncle one who also doesn't live in the UK one and sat down. When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to everyone individually as we were not going to see them for a while and my 2 other aunts and a few cousins also asked for their invites too rather than posting them. I gave it to them, and everyone from my mum's side had received their invites bar my cousin whose wedding it was and her parents. I would post these to them to avoid disturbing them.
However now the mother of the bride said I completely hijacked the evening, and it was really rude of me to do this. The wedding had been a whole day thing (11am til 11pm), and it was not my intention to attract any attention at all. For reference there were about 350 people at the wedding, and I only spoke to and gave 8 people invites (some of them multiple to give to their children) at the end of the wedding. If this was to happen at my own wedding I really don't think I would mind - it would be the next exciting thing to look forward to and when my family would get together. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Frabbits · 26/05/2023 20:07

VerasRaincoat · 26/05/2023 18:34

I was forced to go to an old fashioned finishing school so I know (for better or worse) a fair bit about etiquette.

@Cookingmama12 sorry but this was a fairly big breech of good etiquette. At weddings as a guest you should not draw attention to yourself or highlight in any (small or big way) current or future events that aren’t related to the bride and groom.

It’s not as bad as wearing white, but it was definitely very rude.

While delivering invitations by hand is culturally expected, at a wedding the requirement not to draw attention to yourself trumps your want to deliver the invitations, especially if one half of the couple isn’t Austrian.

I’d advise eating humble pie, sending flowers with a short note apologising for your bad manners (don’t say you had to hand deliver them because that sounds like an excuse and won’t wash with the mother).

It's 2023, not the 1950s.

darjeelingrose · 26/05/2023 20:20

SpongeBob2022 · 26/05/2023 19:42

I would view giving out wedding invitations at someone else's wedding as a bit rude but I think context is everything here.

It's a cultural norm for you to hand out in person.
You live in another country so this is the only opportunity.

I don't understand why people on here are so up in arms about it. Yanbu.

Because she didn't do it in the country where this is apparently the cultural norm. Wherever that is.

MumofSpud · 26/05/2023 21:36

I was going to say a bit crass but then I saw how it was a tradition to visit to give out invitations.
Personally though it would annoy me but not, as others have also said, 'ruined the wedding'

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/05/2023 21:47

At weddings as a guest you should not draw attention to yourself or highlight in any (small or big way) current or future events that aren’t related to the bride and groom.

What absolute tosh!

It was 12 hours. Topics other than how wonderful the bride and groom are will come up. An impending wedding, big birthday, baby etc will invariably be discussed.

Also, she is related to the bride/groom and I'm assuming they are probably invited so it is related to them.

dancinggoosey · 26/05/2023 21:48

God I couldn't get worked up about this.

Tinybrother · 26/05/2023 21:54

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/05/2023 21:47

At weddings as a guest you should not draw attention to yourself or highlight in any (small or big way) current or future events that aren’t related to the bride and groom.

What absolute tosh!

It was 12 hours. Topics other than how wonderful the bride and groom are will come up. An impending wedding, big birthday, baby etc will invariably be discussed.

Also, she is related to the bride/groom and I'm assuming they are probably invited so it is related to them.

It was kind of impossible to hide my massive baby bump at my brother’s wedding. What a faux pas Grin

SnugAsA · 26/05/2023 21:56

Tbh, the mother-of-the-bride sounds a bit ridiculous and bridezilla-y. She might have preferred that you hadn't handed out any invitations, but she's made a bigger deal of this than it deserves. Not exactly proper etiquette for the gracious hostess! (Tsk tsk!)

EsmeSusanOgg · 26/05/2023 22:03

Cookingmama12 · 26/05/2023 13:15

Yes, everyone had known we were engaged and when the wedding would be. The invite was really just the details of the location, and information about the area and hotels for them to book if they wish to come

Then you could have posted them. This was quite a tacky thing to do.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 26/05/2023 22:49

Tinybrother · 26/05/2023 21:54

It was kind of impossible to hide my massive baby bump at my brother’s wedding. What a faux pas Grin

Show quote history

You should have hidden in the background all the time...

Although then people may have asked where you were

So you'd still be drawing attention to yourself...

Darn you were screwed really

Mamai90 · 26/05/2023 23:01

YANBU
Fucking hell, people really need to get over themselves, that's absolutely ridiculous and totally self absorbed. Some of this so called wedding etiquette is self centred BS.

Unicorn2022 · 26/05/2023 23:27

I honestly can't see an issue with what you did. I wouldn't worry about it.

DrManhattan · 26/05/2023 23:42

Really rude!

SkyandSurf · 27/05/2023 00:04

SpongeBob2022 · 26/05/2023 19:42

I would view giving out wedding invitations at someone else's wedding as a bit rude but I think context is everything here.

It's a cultural norm for you to hand out in person.
You live in another country so this is the only opportunity.

I don't understand why people on here are so up in arms about it. Yanbu.

It's a cultural norm for guests to abstain from drawing attention to their own milestones for the duration of the day, and allow the one day (out of 365 a year) be about the people getting married.

OP also said her cultural norm was to visit people at their homes to hand them out individually- and that didn't happen either. If the cultural norm can shift due to the travel then surely just posting them is fine as well.

mathanxiety · 27/05/2023 01:29

YY to that ^

Luckypom · 27/05/2023 01:38

Bad form OP but you already know that. I wouldn’t care at my wedding but plenty of people would.

Luckypom · 27/05/2023 01:46

@Dinopawus

this

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 27/05/2023 01:47

If we look far back enough in many traditions and family ways, then hand delivering or face to face invites would be the norm as that’s what was available.

I think you have been swamped by wanting to be “traditional” for Austria and face to face, and keeping some where you would see them later or whatever.

in reality everyone knew you were getting married. It was literally practical instructions. You don’t talk about another wedding when your at a wedding esp when your family were all obviously talking about it and queuing up for their invites.

Stamps.

We all love post. Everything could have been avoided by stamps

Luckypom · 27/05/2023 01:48

I’m cringing for you to be honest OP 🙈

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/05/2023 02:16

Gosh yes, you were very rude. You don’t draw attention and discussion to your own wedding when you’re physically at someone else’s, I can’t believe you don’t see how rude that is. It’s ONE day that’s not all about you. If it was that important you could have tacked an extra day onto the trip to hand them out instead or even the morning after.

However I’m not really buying your reasoning to be honest as seems most of the guests are in the UK and therefore absolutely wouldn’t be offended by receiving a postal invite. To be honest it sounds like you weren’t particularly bothered about the bride and grooms feelings and wanted the attention back on your upcoming wedding as you knew the aunties would be talking about it.

AliceOlive · 27/05/2023 03:53

No matter how much I think about it, I’m still fine with it. You didn’t announce your pregnancy, engagement or even your wedding date. It’s fine.

SparklyBlackKitten · 27/05/2023 04:03

Handing out invites for your wedding at someone else's wedding??
Jesus... How tone-deaf do you have to be

You can hide behind " in my culture "bla bla

But what does "your culture " say about being tacky and rude and selfish mmm?

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 27/05/2023 04:07

I think you should have waited until the day was completed.

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 27/05/2023 04:13

The mother of the bride is being ridiculous. I’d just think she was a twat, roll my eyes and think nothing more of it.

theGooHasGone · 27/05/2023 04:20

Zero problem at all, especially given that you waited until the end of the evening and did it quietly. All the people complaining are making a mountain out of a molehill. Given that the bride doesn't seem to care, I'd ignore her mother's twattery.

Haywirecity · 27/05/2023 04:26

Why are MN weddings so filled with drama? Why can't everyone just consider what they're doing? Just ask the bride or the mother of the bride, whoever is the most dominant, if you can do it. I mean kneeling on the floor handing out invites...🙄 How very inconspicuous.
And the mother of the bride stating the wedding's ruined... get a grip, woman.

Ugh I'm giving mine a ladder and a few quid and they can go elope.

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