To think a lot of accidental pregnancies are actually planned without their partner knowing?

[UptownFuckYouUp]

I hear of so many contraceptive failures, especially when the man is dragging his feet in regards to ttc, that it makes me wonder if they're not so accidental after all.

Lots of women worrying about their body clock, wanting a specific age gap between their DC, wanting a baby with a new partner etc

How common do we think it is? Has anyone done it or known anyone to?

Obviously there's always the chance of a man taking a condom off without the woman's knowledge/faking a vasectomy, but I think that is a lot less common.

Sidenote: I appreciate a lot of pregnancies ARE an accident, I'm just curious about those who say it was an accident when in fact there was one partner ttc without the other knowing

Whoa @Goldenbear you wrote that as though I had accused your friends of the same as this particular woman. I said it does happen, I know of one instance that I feel is particularly bad and a fair enough reply to OPs question.
Is it not a joke that there are women out there that do go after a man's money. Not saying all of course, but there are woman out there that do.
Also, all the woman I know do not need a man's money either, far from it. I'm not sure the friends of the woman mentioned in my post could say the same though.

This happened to an acquaintance of mine. Her boyfriend was starting conversations about the relationship not being good for them and wanting to break up. Then she became pregnant and they stayed together for the child.
So you could argue there was a bit of 'trapping' on her side, but if he wanted to break up why on earth was he having sex with her without using protection.
They're both as bad as each-other tbh and despite still being together, the relationship is not a healthy one sadly

Yes I remember being told by a nurse in the clinic that if taken properly same time of day (and no D&V etc) that the pill was 99% effective, so 1 in 100 would still get pregnant but that it was by far the best method.

But then someone earlier on this thread quoted 91% which seems a lot worse 9 in 100 failure even if used properly?

If most women still believe it's 99% and it's not, then a lot more people should be doubling up on contraceptive methods!

The thing is, even the 'perfectly executed 1% failure rate is a figure that describes the failure rate across a year. Given the number of years a woman may rely on the pill for contraception over a lifetime, then that becomes a more significant risk.

That's awful. You've tricked him twice?!?! Is he still with you and having sex with you? I bet he doesn't trust you at all. Just wow. You didn't think his view counted at all as you were "desperate"? How disrespectful to him as a person.

This

Just to flag that this is utter bullshit.

What do you mean "the pill never fails during all the years they didn't want a baby"?

This is exactly what happened to me and I spent ages very down, confused, and upset at the decision I had to face.
When I finally agreed to continue with the pregnancy and announced it to people I hardly went on to discuss the agonising few weeks I'd had. If I had decided to terminate I'd hardly broadcast this either.

I wanted another baby. I didn't take contraception and my partner knew this. He knowingly had sex without using a condom. Now we have two children - both of whom he loves immensely.

Outright lying is wrong. Not taking all responsibility for contraception when it isn't what you want, less so.

I was told I could not conceive after a difficult birth. For 8 years that was the reality. Then I had a surprise. So unto contraception - I became pregnant while using a copper seven IUD.
Unnoticed by me my body had expelled it after 4 years. I found the cat playing with it. By then it was too late. (That poor cat was never the same after I screamed.)

People saying men should use condoms...
Imagine if a guy in relationship suddenly starts using condom because "well I don't think your contraceptive is solid" in situation when the woman wants kids.
Tbf it could help breaking down obviously not well functioning relationships faster. So might be benefit

I know 3 women who admitted they were lax with pills when they wanted baby. I do know 1 actual proper surprise due to medical issues. Rest were just normally planned

Op YANBU
I think accidental pregnancies are non existent.
U either used contraception or u didn't. U either got the morning after pill or u didn't.
Contraception is 99.9% effective.

Tbh it pisses me right off when people say this, I wasn't born yesterday

Very undermining to women like myself who went through 9 years of treatment to have a child.

Contraception is not 99.9% effective - especially when you consider actual use vs perfect use.

I've known women who have become pregnant with coils and implants still in place. All birth control methods can fail. Vasectomies fail. Even tubal ligation can fail.

The reality is that both partners need to take responsibility for birth control if they don't want children.

How on earth is someone else accidently getting pregnant undermining your struggles?

It's not hard to understand contraception isn't always reliable, neither is the morning after pill, even abortion isn't 100% guaranteed.

There's a whole plethora of experiences outwith your own, so to say that the lived experience of others is non existent is very narrow minded, and pretty ridiculous tbh.

This is a great article.
If a man doesn’t want a baby he needs to be responsible for contraception.

I think men need to take ownership of their own fertility, not moaning when they took no steps to protect themselves (and if you seriously do not want to risk a baby happening then doubling up protection is sensible) but equally being dishonest is pretty awful.

Creating another human being should be a serious business and they should be wanted by both parents.

Yes. Or women are stupid. It’s not hard to take the pill properly if you want to.

I mean yeah if they suddenly start doing it, it'll throw up some red flags. Men should always be doing this. From the first time they have sex up until they are ready to have a baby, they should use a condom. If any woman they are with doesn't want them to or tried to get them to stop for any reason, then he should be confident to walk away from them.

If there's this little trust then why on earth are they having sex?

Coffelotsofcoffee - so you are minimising the pain of genuine accidental pregnancies, which do exist, because you are struggling to conceive. You are misplacing your pain

@Coffeelotsofcoffee I'm sorry you have had such a struggle to conceive. Our son was an accident and a miracle. We are both infertile. Eight years of ttc, surgeries, Ivf, miscarriages and failed efforts. Only pregnant now because we adopted the embryos. Genuinely we cannot have children and have tried. My son was unexpected and even our consultant andrologist cannot explain how, from looking at our tests, he exists. Yea we slept together and didn't use contraceptive but I was on HRT after going through early menopause and was told I could t have children. It was a difficult conversation with my then boyfriend but he was fine because he had a similar situation.

I am sorry for your long journey. We know how hard it can be in all aspects

@Coffeelotsofcoffee I agree with the above comment. Really sorry for the pain you are going through. However you are wrong. I had an unplanned accidentally pregnancy as a result of failed contraception

BUT I continue to be utterly staggered that the view is that in an actual relationship where these things have been discussed and agreed, that if it is agreed that the contraception is to be the pill, women should not be trusted and so men should wear a condom “if they don’t want a baby” Essentially are we saying then that women can not be trusted to take the pill and/or are too thick to take it correctly?? I’d be fucking furious if having agreed this, a partner then insisted on condoms as well. That would tell me exactly what he thought of me!

You'd be "fucking furious" at your partner taking control of his own fertility?

The pill isn't 100% effective. If he doesn't want to be a father he's very sensible to take responsibility for his own contraception.

Nothing to do with trust and everything to do with personal responsibility.

That is an ignorant and nasty comment. 99.9% effective still means 1 in a thousand women using it getting pregnant by accident every year. There are approximately 12 million women of childbearing age in England alone, so that could be around 12,000 pregnancies each year.

But no contraception is 99.9% effective outside of the lab and a lot isn’t that effective inside the lab. So there are far more pregnancies than that that people genuinely tried to avoid while still having sex.

Your difficulties with getting pregnant are not an excuse to berate other women.

That's exactly the point. If there's no trust that you have to use a condom then you shouldn't be having sex