Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

@Naunet
(had to do the @ - too dumb to figure if you can do selective quotes from posts)

>>It’s not women’s job to stroke the ego of random lying older men. Sorry.

lost me there. No idea what you mean. Am not suggesting it is.
Of course the man lied. As I said, it was sad.

Then you agree the OP was right? You tried to justify him posting photos of an entirely different person by saying "but... women wear makeup! and wear push up bras!". It doesnt matter what some women do, and it doesnt make what he did ok.

Just like everyone else here then…

At least he wasnt an American general on a secret service mission in Nigeria who needs you to pay his leave travel costs or for medical treatment....

@Stravaig where does that thinking end though? Should we never cut our hair, because it's deceptive? Never shave or wax, because we're walking apes after all, and apes do have hair. I think you're accidentally veering towards a strand of feminism, albeit accidentally! Ofcourse women are just fine as we are, but each culture has their standards of beauty (rooted in patriarchy) and most women adhere to them to some extent as it makes life easier. Hats of to those that choose not to. All decisions are valid.

Sorry, I think I quoted the wrong post! 🙃

That would be ok though if he was a lovely overweight balding man. The most attractive men to everyone - by law.

And by "weird defenders" you mean the actual decent people who don't dismiss people as awful because we don't fancy them?

Dismiss them as awful because they are big fat baldy liars.
If he had used his own picture in the first place OP could have quietly dismissed him without thinking he was awful.

He lied to her and got her hopes up. That is awful behaviour.

And as for this shallow shit... I've never got together with anyone I wasn't physically attracted to. Why would you? Why is there even an expectation of that?

If a bloke is older and less attractive he needs to date age appropriately and in the same league. Younger more attractive women owe him shit, and to try and lie to get that anyway... yes. Awful.

I too suspect a lot of butthurt ageing baldy blokes on this thread.

OP awesomely handled. Ignore the idiots suggesting you owed this entitled liar another second of your time.

Don’t forget significantly older too!

There is nothing decent about anyone, man or a woman, who jumps in displaying their concerns over whether an OP found a cat fisher unattractive without saying a single word about the actual catfishing itself. Which you did. You immediately found fault with the OP rather than express any concern or consideration to the OP.

@Plbrookes My god you don't half have a bee in your bonnet.

I agree with this. I dont naturally smell of narcisso rodriguez for her so is that "deceptive" of me? Should I never cut my hair or paint my nails because in a natural state, hair just grows long and nails arent red- is that "deceptive"? Should I never shave my legs because thats not natural? where is the line and what is considered "natural"? Because if you're being totally honest about how you look then you'd get out of bed and do nothing whatsoever to your appearance so as not to be deceptive to anyone.

I’m astonished that anyone is defending this man

He lied from day 1 and no healthy relationship can be built on deceit. You could never trust him going forward.

Why do some women accept such poor quality men?

Good for you OP for walking out. Your only mistake was not blocking him yourself as soon as you got on the train. Now forget him. He’s not worth the headspace.

So where the line? Well fitted clothes?

you find anyone who dyes their hair, wears make up, waxes their eyebrows, wears well fitting clothes, certain types of underwear deceptive and label them as having issues with themselves?

Well sure, but right now we're discussing the other end of the continuum, where OP's date used a younger photo/photo of someone else. It is the same continuum though, not an entirely different thing.

(Not sure why my feminism should be accidental 🤨)

I dont see it as very feminist at all to admonish OP for not giving a bloke who lied to her a chance and then attacking women for wearing makeup when you know full well the patriarchy created the very society whereby women are judged so harshly on looks, far more than men are typically.

I didn't do any of that.

I had a couple of odd experiences similar to this with online dating when I used the Match website years ago.

One was when I met up with a really good looking guy and I was so looking forward to meeting him... then I was thinking "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" when he said about an hour before our date in the pub that he was in a wheelchair and would have a chaperone. Nothing wrong with either of these except I wished he had let me know sooner. He told me the sad tale of how he broke his neck diving into the shallow area of the sea near the shore and ended up being a paraplegic. I remember thinking he was so lovely and kind, and we got on well. I just wished he had let me know about his disability a bit earlier than he did.

Another one was similar to the OP - man I met was better looking in his photo with more hair, and described himself as about 5 inches taller. When I saw him, he was a shorter, balder and bit less good looking man. He obviously had used a photo of himself when younger which I guess was fair enough, I was mode surprised at how much shorter he appeared! 😳

@Stravaig you didn't answer my question though. With your style of thinking where is the line drawn? No hair cutting? No nail trimming? No shaving or waxing? No underwear?

Sounds awful. A completely different picture. That is very creepy. You dodged a bullet there.

Men complain on dating sites when women filter pictures heavily and then looked different but I imagine at least it's their own selfie that's filtered. Had a couple of dates with men who hate the filtered look since they expect a unlined women in the 40's with cat whiskers to arrive

am not aware that anyone is ignoring the deceit.
where?

Yes, I hate racism too. I'm funny like that.

Yes you did.

However women as a group have absolutely no high ground to stand on when is comes to lying about appearance. None whatsoever

Women who wax and pluck and trim; who fake tan, fake nails, fake eyelashes; who dye their hair, and eyebrows; who wear layers of make-up; who wear support underwear and padded, plunge, push-up bras; who freeze and fill and surgically alter their faces and bodies; who wear a variety of costumes explicitly designed to inveigle an appreciative response; who take multiple photos, from flattering angles, carefully select the best, and apply filters to smooth and enhance; then show the final result to the world as an honest representation of who they are. Aye, right.

You wrote one sentence about the fact he lied then this whole paragraph about women wearing make up and how we have no right to the high ground. Then, when people challenged you, you said it wasnt about women, it was about the OP's situation. But you barely commented on the OP's situation, you went on a rant about women, implying because women wear makeup and enhance their appearance we apparently "have no right" to any kind of "high ground" as if this makes what he did perfectly ok.

It's a different discussion, and the society we live in is so far removed from it that it's a waste of time engaging. A giant squirrel intended to delegitimise, mock and undermine.

That said, it's almost a decade since my last professional haircut 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I hate racism too. I'm funny like that.

Random 😂