Catfished and can’t get over it

[Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway]

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

I'm beginning to think there are some bald, overweight men on this thread with very hurt feelings.

🤣

And by "weird defenders" you mean the actual decent people who don't dismiss people as awful because we don't fancy them?

Looking at some of these posts here, never has this adage been more true.

Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.

Posters are more concerned that she’s not attracted to his appearance than the actual issue at hand. She didn’t call him awful because of his appearance but even if OP did - so what. He doesn’t deserve any of her respect and she’s entitled to think what she wants.

Catfishing on the other hand isn’t just manipulative, it puts the victim at serious risk. When dating, I’d always share when I’m going and a picture of the person I date so if anything happens my friends knew. He’s taken that basic safety net away from her by providing an entirely different appearance.

The classic Mumsnet response to losing an argument - "I bet you're a man".

I really despise the cyrano de bergerac (and beauty and the beast) narrative. Its always unattractive men chasing after young beautiful women and expecting them to love them for their personality because otherwise they are "shallow".

If personality is SO important, why are they always chasing after young beauties? why dont they chase after less conventionally attractive women based on their lovely personalities?

Its a vile, misogynistic message.

@Plbrookes where did I say YOU were a man? Why are you suggesting this was aimed at you?

And the same type of men who call women ‘overly emotional’ at that. Figures.

You obviously didn't read or take in what I wrote. Crack on.

Exactly! Dismissing someone as an awful person because of their looks is fundamentally misogynistic. Society should have moved past this.

You obviously don't understand the issue. That's OK.

😂

Never give up on your dreams! this made me chuckle

Nah, the point is- its always women who are expected to overlook appearance but never men. Why is that?

You don’t think men who lie about their age and looks because they’re so shallow they want someone 10 years younger and much better looking than themselves, are awful? You'd fucking love online dating then.

I don’t think anyone is walking down the street labelling strangers as awful just because they aren’t attracted to them, so fret not.

I don't understand since when women are required to be involved with someone they don't find physically attractive. According to some people on here, young women should put up with whiney older guys they don't fancy and be nice, kind, and don't begrudge them company and sex - because of what?

Oh, and on being "shallow" - when dating, you are allowed to find someone's looks off-putting. You don't have to be rude or nasty, but the feeling is allowed. This is not an everyday situation, this is someone you may end up in bed with - and in this case physical appearance plays a big part, believe me.

Erm ... read the OP.

As someone with similar interests and of a similar age (but not single I would add so not looking!) I can see this happening a lot. Most of the guys I meet online through gaming, or through FB, are creeps! If I ever ended up single I wouldn’t do OLD for that reason. I’d happily die an old single lady surrounded by dogs instead lol.

I have met some lovely people though and met one really nice guy friend through a FB group who I’ve now known for years, so some good eggs do exist (once you sift through the fakers and pervs).

The OP had every right to dismiss the person because of his looks because he looked absolutely nothing like the photo of the man she found attractive. What should she have done, sat down with someone she doesn't find remotely attractive so as not to hurt his feelings. Fuck that. Well done OP

I did, and then I replied to YOUR post. Do you want to answer mine, or just carrying on insisting that we’re all calling unattractive men awful, like some kind of broken bot?

He didn’t fake an attractive appearance. Which I pointed out. It was a completely different person.

and editing photos, use of filters to change age with lying about age or using photos of other people is all deceptive.

If a woman said she was a size 10 and 36 year old and turned up a size 20 and was 46 but had doctored her photos or used someone else’s. my opinion of her would be the same. That’s not ok.

That’s not the same as personal grooming.

I think we have established that women aren’t lying on a daily basis then?

Yes, OP entirely had the right to end the date whenever she wanted. No-one's disputing that. It was absolutely wrong of him to have sent photos of someone else pretending they were him. No-one's disputing that. It was wrong of OP to describe someone as an awful person because they were unattractive. Decent people aren't disputing that.

I think we have established that women aren’t lying on a daily basis then?

It's all lies to me, all deception and dishonesty, all not feeling okay about who you are in yourself. I'd veer away from all it when choosing a partner.

The women haven't "lost the argument". OP was duped and people conflate different issues and believe they are winning an argument. Nope.

Except you don’t know if that’s why she called him awful, and rather than ask, you insist you know what she meant - rather arrogantly frankly.

It was also wrong of him to lie about his age to trick younger women into meeting him.

I was apparently a man earlier, and I'm a bot now or ... just possibly ... I'm a decent woman who doesn't dismiss men OR WOMEN as awful people because of their appearance.