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Original poster

Catfished and can’t get over it

302 replies

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 26/05/2023 03:32

Just as the title says really. Met a guy online about a month ago, and we hit it off so well. Our sense of humours went together, taste in movies and board games and general outlook on life. He wasn’t copying me on that stuff; he lead the conversation and went first with a lot of our comments and it was exactly the stuff I wanted in a man. He had multiple photos online and they all matched one another. We planned a couple of meetings but I cancelled the first one when stuck at work and he cancelled the next one when stuff came up.

Well, we met tonight and he was not the man in his photos. He was 10 years older, bald and had a huge beard and overweight. Just…. Nothing at all like his photos.

I can’t get over it. We’ve talked everyday for a month. We’ve messaged and had phone calls. And he was the perfect fit personality wise but then this totally different awful person arrived.

I know now I should have insisted on a video call or something but I hate video calls and never do them so it isn’t something I would as for.

I just can’t get over it. I can’t sleep and feel sick and so upset.

Someone knock some sense into me.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 26/05/2023 09:01

@Stravaig its the discussion you started! You said personal grooming was deception, so I'm asking you to be specific.

Hubblebubble · 26/05/2023 09:01

Awww the troll doesn't like logic.

Naunet · 26/05/2023 09:04

changedforanswer · 26/05/2023 08:56

Sounds awful. A completely different picture. That is very creepy. You dodged a bullet there.

Men complain on dating sites when women filter pictures heavily and then looked different but I imagine at least it's their own selfie that's filtered. Had a couple of dates with men who hate the filtered look since they expect a unlined women in the 40's with cat whiskers to arrive

I don’t get that, we all know what filters do and it’s not like they’re hard to spot! I wouldn’t go on a date with anyone who only had heavily filtered pictures, it’s madness!

ProfessorXtra · 26/05/2023 09:04

Stravaig · 26/05/2023 09:00

It's a different discussion, and the society we live in is so far removed from it that it's a waste of time engaging. A giant squirrel intended to delegitimise, mock and undermine.

That said, it's almost a decade since my last professional haircut 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

so You cut your own hair? Or get someone to do it for you? Why point out professional other wise?

Unless you never do anything including skin care and walk round naked, according to you it’s deceitful and says you have issues with yourself.

Because you could be dressing to flatter your shap. So clothes are out. Skin care could make you skin look a bit better than it naturally is, so that’s out. Not keeping you nails trimmed and neat.

I mean even hiding a bra strap could be seen as deceitful. Because someone may not be able to to tell you have a bra on and they can’t see exactly what your breasts look like without it.

That’s the point. There’s a huge different between grooming and being deceitful. Taking your view of it to the end means anyone doing anything at all, is being deceitful and has issues with themselves

Stravaig · 26/05/2023 09:05

swayingpalmtree · 26/05/2023 08:59

Yes you did.

However women as a group have absolutely no high ground to stand on when is comes to lying about appearance. None whatsoever

Women who wax and pluck and trim; who fake tan, fake nails, fake eyelashes; who dye their hair, and eyebrows; who wear layers of make-up; who wear support underwear and padded, plunge, push-up bras; who freeze and fill and surgically alter their faces and bodies; who wear a variety of costumes explicitly designed to inveigle an appreciative response; who take multiple photos, from flattering angles, carefully select the best, and apply filters to smooth and enhance; then show the final result to the world as an honest representation of who they are. Aye, right.

You wrote one sentence about the fact he lied then this whole paragraph about women wearing make up and how we have no right to the high ground. Then, when people challenged you, you said it wasnt about women, it was about the OP's situation. But you barely commented on the OP's situation, you went on a rant about women, implying because women wear makeup and enhance their appearance we apparently "have no right" to any kind of "high ground" as if this makes what he did perfectly ok.

Show quote history

That's not an attack, that's a factual description of what many if not most women do some or all of.

Nor have I suggested that what he did was okay.

You should read all of my posts, and understand them in context; not focus on the one you seem personally triggered by.

It turns out that in this society we are all encouraged to lie about our appearance, and a very great many men and women do so.

innocentfun · 26/05/2023 09:08

Clementineorsatsuma · 26/05/2023 07:15

The point that @Plbrookes is making is that the OP said herself that he was awful based on his looks.
She didn't say "I looked up and there was this totally different, overweight, bald man. I realised that he'd catfished me and that was an awful thing to do"
Her use of 'awful' was absolutely based on his looks.

Words, and the use of them, matter.

+1

swayingpalmtree · 26/05/2023 09:08

Stravaig · 26/05/2023 09:05

That's not an attack, that's a factual description of what many if not most women do some or all of.

Nor have I suggested that what he did was okay.

You should read all of my posts, and understand them in context; not focus on the one you seem personally triggered by.

It turns out that in this society we are all encouraged to lie about our appearance, and a very great many men and women do so.

Show quote history

I'm not triggered. I just dont like people who pretend to be feminists when its very clear they are anything but. What you wrote is the opposite of feminism. You have also still not clarified what you do to look after your appearance and I suspect thats because it could also be deemed "deceptive".

Stravaig · 26/05/2023 09:12

Hubblebubble · 26/05/2023 09:01

@Stravaig its the discussion you started! You said personal grooming was deception, so I'm asking you to be specific.

No I didn't say 'personal grooming' was deceptive.

Personal grooming, to me, is activities like shower, clean teeth, trim nails, possibly also untangle hair. None of those were in my list of ways women also lie about their appearance.

Please all of you, stop putting into words into my mouth. Women who've bought into the misogynist 'necessity' of the beauty industry always seem baffled by those of us who haven't.

whumpthereitis · 26/05/2023 09:14

He’s awful for lying. He also looked awful to OP when she finally saw what he looked like.

Both completely legitimate judgements to make. Someone being a good person (if you ignore the lying, that is) doesn’t mean you’re required to find them physically attractive and date them.

realityhack · 26/05/2023 09:16

I mean even hiding a bra strap could be seen as deceitful. Because someone may not be able to to tell you have a bra on and they can’t see exactly what your breasts look like without it

Yup- I have to wear a bra as I need the support. Does that mean I am being deceitful because noone can really see what my breasts look like without them? They arent push up bras but my boobs do look different without a bra on so I guess that means I am lying to everyone. I also wear contact lenses, guess thats deceitful too as I should be wearing glasses. Where does it end???

StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 26/05/2023 09:18

Brushing your hair is well shifty too 😂

mumofteenss · 26/05/2023 09:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2023 06:11

Sorry. I own the rights to the only hot DnD playing man except Joe WhatsHisFace from Magic Mike.

My DH and Joe. That's it.

On another note, women are in such short supply in DnD circles, surely there's a massive pool of blokes ripe for the taking IRL.

Show quote history

Matt Mercer tho.

Stravaig · 26/05/2023 09:20

StayingZenInTheVipersDen · 26/05/2023 09:18

Brushing your hair is well shifty too 😂

It's true 🤣

swayingpalmtree · 26/05/2023 09:24

Please all of you, stop putting into words into my mouth. Women who've bought into the misogynist 'necessity' of the beauty industry always seem baffled by those of us who haven't

I'm a not baffled by it- people can make their own choices about what they do with their own bodies, I dont care. If someone chooses not to wear makeup- thats fine, if they do, thats fine too. I am baffled that you are calling women "deceitful" and "buying into misogyny" when you show no consideration as to what causes women to do this in the first place. Where do you think this pressure originates from and whom do you think created it?

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 26/05/2023 09:25

Bubblyb00b · 26/05/2023 07:39

To all the people defending the guy - first of all, if you don't want to be judged by your looks, you don't put a picture on; its quite rare but I know its a done thing. This guys exactly catfished the OP as he put an attractive picture on to get interest. It was his "hook".

Also, I bet you anything that this guy was not looking for just any woman with "great personality". He was looking for a younger good looking woman. He would have been extremely disappointed to see someone closer to him in appearance! It really pisses me off how these older and not really attractive men whine that women hurt them by ignoring them, but see what they say about average looking older and/ or overweight women! They all want slim, pretty and young girls. This what makes them awful, not their looks as such.

This

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 26/05/2023 09:27

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/05/2023 07:43

WHO CARES if she thought he looked awful. If he didn't think it mattered he wouldn't have lied.

Everyone is shallow up to a point. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Yet so many people will deny this.

I could not be with a guy I fancied. End of. And if they are the polar opposite of that yes, I'd say they were unattractive to me.

Clearly I'm shallow but I'm not a bloody liar

Helendee · 26/05/2023 09:28

Why is it different from women putting up photos with full make-up, fake tan, false nails/eyelashes?
That’s not the real deal is it!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 26/05/2023 09:30

Helendee · 26/05/2023 09:28

Why is it different from women putting up photos with full make-up, fake tan, false nails/eyelashes?
That’s not the real deal is it!

This guy posted photos of A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

It's not the same

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 26/05/2023 09:31

Actually maybe this chap just has incredible filters on his photos Confused

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 26/05/2023 09:36

Oh and as for all the "how would you feel if a man said similar?" ... funnily enough over the years I've had a few occasions to reject unwanted sexual advances. Without exception every one of those men have responded aggressively and angrily along the lines of "I'm only joking you ugly bitch/fat pig/slag/minger".

Way more unpleasant and I did fuck all to warrant it. So screw being kind if a member of the opposite sex deliberately lies and misleads.

Hubblebubble · 26/05/2023 09:37

@Stravaig the things you list aren't personal grooming at all, they're basic personal hygiene. If you don't brush your teeth you'll get ill.

CountZacular · 26/05/2023 09:38

Helendee · 26/05/2023 09:28

Why is it different from women putting up photos with full make-up, fake tan, false nails/eyelashes?
That’s not the real deal is it!

Do you know how stupid you sound comparing enhancements with pretending to be an entirely different person?

If you want to argue like for like, do so. If you want to express your concern for fake tan and nails (those things that clearly, fundamentally change a person), start a thread about it. But it just seems like a deliberate ploy to undermine and trivialise the very real dangers and concerns of catfishing.

misssunshine4040 · 26/05/2023 09:38

@Higgeldypiggeldy35 OP is more than entitled to be put off by his looks.
Its dating, not a job interview. If being physically attracted to a potential partner is a high/essential priority then it's absolutely valid.
Lying about his attractiveness does make him an awful person.

Somethingsnappy · 26/05/2023 09:43

What was his 'explanation'?

SamW98 · 26/05/2023 09:47

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 26/05/2023 09:36

Oh and as for all the "how would you feel if a man said similar?" ... funnily enough over the years I've had a few occasions to reject unwanted sexual advances. Without exception every one of those men have responded aggressively and angrily along the lines of "I'm only joking you ugly bitch/fat pig/slag/minger".

Way more unpleasant and I did fuck all to warrant it. So screw being kind if a member of the opposite sex deliberately lies and misleads.

Absolutely. I’m sure many of us have had the same BS thrown at us by men we’ve knocked back. I was called a fucking slag and had a drink thrown at me once for telling a bloke who shoved his hand between my legs on a crowded bar to fuck off.

The OP was catfished by a nasty deceitful liar - anyone ring hung up over any other point is deliberately trying to be provocative.