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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:23

You tell him, clearly, beforehand that he pays for his own meal.

Then when its time for the bill, you ask for two separate bills. One for him, one for you and your kids. Done.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

FiddleLeaf · 24/05/2023 23:24

I would say beforehand if he wants to attend that’s fine but he’ll either pay for what he has or pays 50/50 considering they are his kids!

Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:25

Just pay and don’t cause drama
🤣 People are mad.

TimeForTeaAndG · 24/05/2023 23:28

How is he coming too? Surely you've only booked to seat you plus kids?

Elenorrigbywoes · 24/05/2023 23:29

If it is for one of your shared children he should go 50/50 with you - he might jump at just paying for himself if that is his choice 😉

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:31

" just pay and don't cause drama "

Umm, I don't think so, he's an adult and can pay for his own meal and shouldn't expect his ex wife to cover him.

Op I would do as pp said request two separate bills before you all order, if he won't pay that's his fault.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:31

Sorry but I will not pay for a man that left me financially struggling to put several children through university. Also not happy to contact him beforehand.

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:34

Why are you even inviting him to the meal?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 24/05/2023 23:35

Why is he even coming? Why cant you go and have a meal with the kids? The kids can see him separately. Life is too short, dont do anything you dont want to.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:35

Elenorrigbywoes · 24/05/2023 23:29

If it is for one of your shared children he should go 50/50 with you - he might jump at just paying for himself if that is his choice 😉

He has form for being mean with money so would never offer 50%.
Last time I saw him was at an airport to see one of our children off and he bought himself a coffee but not for the children.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 24/05/2023 23:36

At the end just say ‘I’m paying for me and the kids’ and pass him the bill.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:36

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:34

Why are you even inviting him to the meal?

I did not invite him but child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 24/05/2023 23:37

Why is he coming? Did one of the kids invite him?

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:37

PonyPatter44 · 24/05/2023 23:37

Why is he coming? Did one of the kids invite him?

Yes

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:38

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:36

I did not invite him but child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

Show quote history

Tell them to inform their father he needs to bring money to cover his share.
If your child asks why then enlighten them as to how little he contributed to their financial needs as children and paying for him is a red line you are not willing to cross.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:39

You could say to the waiter, we're doing separate checks. I'll pay for myself and the kids. Then just order. Hand the menu back and smile.

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:41

If it's to please your child I would just pay for him, it'll be a lot less awkward

SiegeOfBees · 24/05/2023 23:41

child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

They haven’t really thought this through have they? I can’t imagine it will be a celebratory atmosphere!

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:43

MissSmiley · 24/05/2023 23:41

If it's to please your child I would just pay for him, it'll be a lot less awkward

My finances would never be able to stretch to the amount he would drink even if I could stomach it.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 24/05/2023 23:47

It sounds like you just need to tell him there and then you’re not paying for him - all other options are apparently off the table.

shiningstar2 · 24/05/2023 23:47

I would simply ask him ...are you going 50 50 on this celebration meal for one of our children or are you just paying for yourself?

No drama. Clear choice given. No room for any misunderstanding.

notquitesoyoung · 24/05/2023 23:47

Having been the DC in this scenario I would try and make it as stress free as possible for them, regardless of how old they are or how normal divorce is they have to live their lives balancing between parents which makes all special events/milestones/occasions tricky. With the exception of DV, be the bigger person for their sake - regardless of how much of a (insert appropriate expletive) you think he is.

Why does he think he is coming? If you have a way to get in touch I would probably do that ahead of time and let him know you expect him to pay his own way and if possible try and agree the mechanics of how that happens (ask restaurant for separate bills beforehand or on a trip to the toilet etc). Keep any potential drama/undercurrent away for the table/preferably away from the day.

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:49

Can’t you just tell your child no? Say ‘no I said I’d take you kids out but I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your father out. Maybe he can take you out Sunday after we’ve been out Saturday.’

Your children presumably are adult. They are old enough to catch on that their mother may not want to take her ex out for dinner, and to understand that they see their parents separately.

Nutterjacks · 24/05/2023 23:52

When the bill comes, casually say,

shall we go 50-50 and treat the kids?