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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
BigChesterDraws · 27/05/2023 06:15

How mich is the meal likely to cost? More or less than the cheek fillers you are planning to get (from your other thread)? Seriously, it’s just a bit of money and you are dragging your children into something they should not be involved in by considering telling the child to tell their father to remember to bring his wallet, etc. He hasn’t even said that he won’t pay but you are imagining all sorts of scenarios, putting your children into uncomfortable situations, even considering suggesting that the child should pay for their father and all because you want to punish your ex-husband as a form of revenge. I’ve been the child in that situation. Just don’t make it worse than it already is for the child for the sake of a bit of money and because you can’t hide your loathing of your child’s father.

Love your child more than you hate your ex-husband. Don’t make their graduation full of uncomfortable memories just because you were too stubborn to pay for a plate of food for their father to avoid a scene. Your child should not even be aware that there is even a chance of an issue here. It’s between you and your former husband and no one else, least of all your child.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 27/05/2023 06:28

BigChesterDraws · 27/05/2023 06:15

How mich is the meal likely to cost? More or less than the cheek fillers you are planning to get (from your other thread)? Seriously, it’s just a bit of money and you are dragging your children into something they should not be involved in by considering telling the child to tell their father to remember to bring his wallet, etc. He hasn’t even said that he won’t pay but you are imagining all sorts of scenarios, putting your children into uncomfortable situations, even considering suggesting that the child should pay for their father and all because you want to punish your ex-husband as a form of revenge. I’ve been the child in that situation. Just don’t make it worse than it already is for the child for the sake of a bit of money and because you can’t hide your loathing of your child’s father.

Love your child more than you hate your ex-husband. Don’t make their graduation full of uncomfortable memories just because you were too stubborn to pay for a plate of food for their father to avoid a scene. Your child should not even be aware that there is even a chance of an issue here. It’s between you and your former husband and no one else, least of all your child.

What a thoroughly unpleasant post. You sound like a very nasty person.

Why should I pay for a man that intends to go to the graduation of a child he has contributed next to nothing? In fact contributed nothing towards his other children. Why should I not plan to spend money on myself once DC has left university and I have some spare money?

It is an expensive restaurant and I don't have the money for cheek fillers at the moment as all my money has been spent putting DC through university but hopefully soon. Is that alright with you?

I asked for advice to make sure I don't have to pay without causing a scene at the restaurant but I will not be paying for a man that owes me thousands.

OP posts:
SavvyWavvy · 27/05/2023 06:51

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

Ridiculous response.

Longdarkcloud · 27/05/2023 12:41

OP you do not deserve the negative comments you have been receiving. Only those who have not been treated so unfairly as you have and who have little empathy can dismiss your enquiry so lightly.
You can justly feel proud of yourself for supporting your DC to graduation — something his other parent has failed to do.
I know you wish to meet the wish of your DC to have both parents present but could their sibling have a word and point out how uncomfortable the atmosphere is likely to be?

4plusthehound · 27/05/2023 13:16

Blondewithredlips · 27/05/2023 06:28

What a thoroughly unpleasant post. You sound like a very nasty person.

Why should I pay for a man that intends to go to the graduation of a child he has contributed next to nothing? In fact contributed nothing towards his other children. Why should I not plan to spend money on myself once DC has left university and I have some spare money?

It is an expensive restaurant and I don't have the money for cheek fillers at the moment as all my money has been spent putting DC through university but hopefully soon. Is that alright with you?

I asked for advice to make sure I don't have to pay without causing a scene at the restaurant but I will not be paying for a man that owes me thousands.

Show quote history

OP - STOP!

Don't justify yourself.

Don't engage with that sort of thing.

You do not need to say a word to anyone. Just let the waiter know quiety that ex will have a seperate bill.

Problem solved for you.

Enjoy your extra money now that you have finished scrimping and saving for the kids.

You deserve all of it!

4plusthehound · 27/05/2023 13:22

SavvyWavvy · 27/05/2023 06:51

Ridiculous response.

Show quote history

Op is clearly not petty.

In fact there would no graduation celebration at all if the OP were petty.

Ex, on the other hand is cleary petty, and financially abusive to boot. Ex is also not shy about rubbing OPs nose in it.

This night should be hers to celebrate. It is a job well done. Done by her (and the dc who got the results).

Petty ex should stay away.

Petty ex should take the graduate out by himself.

T1Dmama · 27/05/2023 13:50

FiddleLeaf · 24/05/2023 23:24

I would say beforehand if he wants to attend that’s fine but he’ll either pay for what he has or pays 50/50 considering they are his kids!

This!
Id say as soon as you all sit down ‘John, are we splitting this 50/50?” If he says no I would request 2 bills. Or estimate his cost and ask him for it ‘John, yours is £30 please’ and hold your hand out in his direction!
My ex husband wouldn’t dream of letting me pay for him unless he’d paid for something else….
We went to paultons park, he paid…. I bought lunch there, he chose an expensive meal which was fine as my contribution to the day was still less than my ticket to attend.

I’d actually be tempted to request whoever invited him along be the one to tell him he’s covering his costs.. it’s rather cheeky of your child inviting an extra guest knowing you’re paying… even if it is their dad

Justsaynonow · 27/05/2023 17:52

I think having to have any direct discussion with your ex, however short, will be tense and upsetting for you. I would stick with asking for separate bills at the beginning of the meal. No quiet words -he needs to know before he orders, and you don't want to or have to tell him- nor orchestrate ways to get the kids to communicate it to him beforehand. You also don't want to be thinking about it throughout the meal.

As soon as the waiter arrives to take your order, say (loudly enough to be heard by all at the table) 'we would like separate bills please' , and indicate who is on yours. It's not rude and you've assertively set your boundary.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/05/2023 18:44

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 25/05/2023 20:08

So your 'lovely' child asked you if you were ok with your selfish, financially-abusive ex-DH attending their graduation ceremony? and you said yes. Fair enough. But does your ex really need to come along to the meal as well? Why would your DC want to put you through that? Why can't they meet up with their dad eg for brunch (or just coffee/ a drink) before the ceremony? Sitting in a large hall watching your child go up on-stage to collect their certificate is very different to sitting around a relatively small dinner table together, and presumably it'd be a lot easier to deal with him there?

I agree with this too.
Him attending the graduation ? Annoying, considering how he has failed to financially support his child, but I can see that his child might want him there so ok.. but the meal ? Having to be civil over a small dinner table ? It isn’t a large party where avoiding the feckless arse might be easier.
Seems very ungrateful of everything you have done, to put you through this.

ZIEVAR · 27/05/2023 20:07

I don't believe that you should be paying for him. I do believe that you should contact him prior to the meal. Sms,Email, letter. Do not have a verbal conversation with him. Lay it out in no uncertain terms. The only reason he has been invited is because of your daughter's feelings and wishes.. You think that the bill should be split.. If he does not agree to this, then what is his suggerstion so you can let the restaurant know in advance. Your daughter is the priority for all of her hard work. Your efforts have gotten her there, not his. Under no circumstance will you allow him to cloud the occaision. Try to allow your daughter her moment. ....See how he responds.

Your family will all know in the years to come, just how stellar you have been. Good luck.

coconutpie · 27/05/2023 20:18

OP, why must their father be present at the meal? He has no reason to be. Your DC can see him at the graduation and then you bring your DC out for dinner. There is no reason to invite him to this meal. Perhaps your DC who is graduating can meet up with their father before the graduation for coffee instead. I would be telling DC that you are not willing to go out for a meal with that stingy miserable bastard.

Messenger123 · 28/05/2023 06:53

Just split the bill with him 50/50 at the meal. He’s hardly going to say no in front of the kids is he.

SkyandSurf · 28/05/2023 07:15

OP you sound like a good mum who has put up with a lot from this man.

You don't owe anyone anything. Don't buy him so much as a lettuce leaf.

Coffeeismycure · 28/05/2023 14:20

OP, sorry I missed your earlier post where you said your DC discussed inviting their father with you. I am also a mother who is raising children without any financial support from their father, so I feel your pain, but I also agree with those who say put your child first, let them have only positive and peaceful memories from their graduation. I do not think you should ask the waiter to split the bill, or ask to make a separate bill without prior discussion with your ex, because this may end up with a scene that will ruin the day for your child. Perhaps you could call your ex and tell him in a calm and friendly manner that you would appreciate if he could contribute towards the bill as the venue is expensive and now that he is joining you are not sure if the budget that you have set aside would be sufficient to allow everyone to order what they want. And that you would expect this to happen naturally, without reminding or disputing in the restaurant. And then hope he will do as you asked or at least be modest in his choices, though just in case make sure you have enough money to cover entire bill. Having this conversation beforehand will make it easier for you to bring up the money question again if he ignores your request, but not at the restaurant.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 28/05/2023 18:37

You get the bill, take hold of it, calculate cost of you and the kids. Server comes to table you say ‘x amount on that card please’ and then you pay that and pass him the bill and look directly at him for him to get his wallet out for what he has had!

changedmyname23 · 29/05/2023 12:33

Once everybody is sitting I would excuse myself for the toilet and then find my server and ask if Ex could please be billed separately and you will pay the rest so when the bills come they are already divided

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 29/05/2023 16:11

Contacting him before the event is not something I would do as he plays games and I would never give him that power again.
I spoke to oldest DC who is really sensible. Oldest DC said they all assumed bill would be paid 50/50. I won't be asking DC to intervene as it will become uncomfortable for them as they are not that close to him.

OP posts:
ZIEVAR · 29/05/2023 16:32

Good....

T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 17:31

I would be making sure drinks are ordered and paid for at the bar and not added to the tab… even your kids can surely buy their own drinks if you’re kind enough to pay for the meals

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 22:04

Blondewithredlips · 29/05/2023 16:11

Contacting him before the event is not something I would do as he plays games and I would never give him that power again.
I spoke to oldest DC who is really sensible. Oldest DC said they all assumed bill would be paid 50/50. I won't be asking DC to intervene as it will become uncomfortable for them as they are not that close to him.

Can you arrange for older DC to get younger one out of the way (anyone of them vape and can insist for company or something ?) before you call for the bill. Is it possible for him to cause a scene ? The restaurant might involve the police.
I do think you need to have a plan B in place where you pay, or accept the scene unfortunately.
I recommended previously pre paid venues to avoid this issue, but if you’re set on this expensive restaurant, the dad being there, him paying graciously, tbh you can’t have it all. Life’s unfair yes, but you’re hoping a lot from this while having a lifetime of proof to be realistic about the likely scenarios.
Hope it goes well

Godlovesall26 · 29/05/2023 22:07

T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 17:31

I would be making sure drinks are ordered and paid for at the bar and not added to the tab… even your kids can surely buy their own drinks if you’re kind enough to pay for the meals

There have been a lot of similar suggestions, but none seem to have been adopted (which im in no place to judge for)

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 29/05/2023 22:33

I am going to speak to him at the graduation away from the children. I will ask him if he is going to go 50/50 or pay for his own meal and drinks on a separate bill. He will be under no illusion that I will not be paying for him under any circumstances. Depending on his reply I will subtly tell the restaurant about the separate bills. Hopefully he will do the decent thing...

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 29/05/2023 23:08

I do hope your youngest isn't the type to say " oh mum can cover that don't worry dad " if he still tries to finangle his way out of paying " oh I forgot my wallet etc "

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 29/05/2023 23:16

Definitely not thank goodness. Youngest worries about money too as unfortunately it has been a way of life for us for years.
I honestly think the whole child support system needs to be tougher as so many single parents in the same boat.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 29/05/2023 23:32

Blondewithredlips · 29/05/2023 23:16

Definitely not thank goodness. Youngest worries about money too as unfortunately it has been a way of life for us for years.
I honestly think the whole child support system needs to be tougher as so many single parents in the same boat.

Glad to hear that and I agree the system is set up for disingenuous, feckless parents.