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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Mintyt · 25/05/2023 08:02

@Blondewithredlips I really admire you. You are very firm, the children want him there, so he is invited, I will not pay for him, so you won't. Tell the restaurant that you are paying for your party and he is paying for his own tab. No upset no drama. Hope you have a lovely time

FlamingoQueen · 25/05/2023 08:04

I would just say, when everyone is about to give their order, that can you make sure his is on a separate bill please. That way, everyone will hear (you can pre warn your dc that you will be doing this) and there can be no denying anything at the end! Then, at the end, make sure he settles his bill first, just so that he can’t walk out whilst you are paying.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 25/05/2023 08:13

Tell him beforehand, take him to one side and say 'you can either pay 50% of the meal or just for yourself, your call'

Or when the bill turns up, just say to the waiter politely, can you split the bill into 2 please, I'll pay for mine and theses two (point to the kids), then smile and leave it there

Mintyt · 25/05/2023 08:32

I wouldn't be able to help myself and say "X how about you paying for you me paying for me and splitting the children 50/50.

diddl · 25/05/2023 08:49

I agree with talking to the child who invited him.

It is their celebration but also it seems that most others don't want him there.

A separate celebration would surely be better for everyone?

I'd be quite upset if my kid were unthinking enough to want me to sit through such a meal tbh.

SquirrelFeed · 25/05/2023 08:52

I went to lunch with a few colleagues yesterday. The organiser told our waiter we were paying separately just before we all ordered and when it came to paying she asked us to work out what we owed and bought the card machine over. Should be ok if you did similar. Make sure you grab the machine first, pay your bit and let him pay remainder. For what it’s worth I’d not pay for his share either. Good luck.

Artgalleryloner · 25/05/2023 08:58

saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 23:23

I don’t think you can do this without coming across as petty. Honestly you haven’t seen him in years and this is a celebration (I’m guessing for one of your kids). Just pay and don’t cause drama.

That’s ridiculous - the kids are grown ups!

ActDottie · 25/05/2023 09:01

I’d message him beforehand and say now he’s coming along let’s split the bill 50:50 so you each pay for some of the kids too.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 25/05/2023 09:02

Can you transfer your kids money into their accounts so it looks like they're paying for their own?

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2023 09:06

I would:

Tell the DC involved that he/she needs to contact their father to let him know in advance that he will need to pay for himself.

At the restaurant, have a quiet word with the waitress that you need the bill to be split.

Consider chatting to the DC asking if they would consider having their own private meal with their dad another time. Only six people at the table and they think it's going to be a nice meal?? It may be their celebration but they are not being realistic about it. Sounds like hell. Sorry.

Booklover40 · 25/05/2023 09:06

Nutterjacks · 24/05/2023 23:52

When the bill comes, casually say,

shall we go 50-50 and treat the kids?

This.

Why on earth should he assume that you are paying anyway?

If he says no say "oh, il pay for mine and the kids then - you just sort yourself out".

Show the tight-fisted twat bastard up in front of everyone for what he is. No way on this earth should you pay for him in order to keep the peace!

PlinkPlonkFizz · 25/05/2023 09:09

SkyandSurf · 25/05/2023 00:26

When you arrive, tell Ex-DH you are delighted he wanted to come and split all the costs with you. Tell the waiter at the beginning, in front of everyone, that you will each be paying half of the total costs. In front of everyone thank Ex DH for co-hosting with you, so lovely that after all these years he was willing to come together for this important celebration and treat everyone with you.

Cheap bastard.

Genius! THIS ☝

Soapyspuds · 25/05/2023 09:09

Take cash. Put down yours and your childrens share and leave.

cantwaittocruise · 25/05/2023 09:15

Sounds like he doesn’t even deserve to be at this celebration but fair enough if it’s what your child wants

TheFireflies · 25/05/2023 09:21

FurElise · 25/05/2023 06:36

When the bill comes just say "would you like to cover half or just your own?" Covers the issue and, if he just pays his own, makes him look like a mean asshole in front of his kids. Mission accomplished.

I think this, but said before anyone has ordered, to avoid any “oh I don’t have my wallet, I thought you were paying” comments.

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 25/05/2023 09:22

Take a lot of cash, with small coins too. If you can’t get separate bills or he is awkward about it, add up what you and the adult children spent, put that amount of cash on the table, or hand it to the waiter, and say “that covers us, he is paying for himself” and then leave. Hand the sister a separate tip so he cannot use that to cover his share.

Wokeuptired · 25/05/2023 09:23

Go to a wetherspoons or hungry horse type place and order your meals and drinks on the app, if he asks you to order his as he does not have the app he can either log onto their WiFi and download it or go to the bar and order. Obviously tell him how to do it so it seems like you are being really helpful.

HeartStarRose · 25/05/2023 09:27

If you don't want to tackle it in front of your child either before or during the meal, then before the end of the meal, could you see the wait staff privately and say you'd like two bills - one with items XX (what your ex consumed) put on a bill and handed to him, and the rest of the items bill to be handed to you?

Bellaboo01 · 25/05/2023 09:32

Would this work?

All go for the meal. When the bill comes, suggest that you and your husband pay for your own share and split both of your children's meals?

Or you could ask the waitor at the beginning if you could:

  • Bill for Husbands orders (he pays this)
  • Bill for your orders (you pay this)
  • Bill for Children's orders (Both Split)

This method is just the norm in Europe where many families go for dinner together. On the payment machine they can add (family 1/ family 2/ family 3 etc etc). That way cousins/friends etc can all sit together and each family always know their number. Then we would get 3/4/5/6 or however many 'families' we are with bills and it is never awkward. It is totally normal.

I'm sure i haven't explained that properly above but, hope you get my gist! x

SW2002 · 25/05/2023 09:32

How about just saying 'Oh no you're not invited. If you want to take the kids out for a celebration then organise your own. I haven't seen you for years and frankly I'd like to keep it that way because I don't like you.'

What part of that sentence is so difficult? Don't tiptoe around him just lay it out, its YOUR meal, YOU booked it and YOU are paying. He can fuck off.

Bookworm20 · 25/05/2023 09:42

Best idea is already suggested in letting restaurant know there will be 2 bills. I'd also tell him as soon as he arrives that you have arranged this.

Better yet, could you go to a restaurant where you have to go to the bar to order the food/drink and pay at the time of ordering? That way you can take everyones order and tell him to go with you to the bar so he can put his order in straight after you?

Hopefully he'll at least buy your dc a drink to celebrate with too!

SeatonCarew · 25/05/2023 09:43

Grumpy67i8 · 25/05/2023 01:14

Your children are adults. You need to be frank with them.

Absolutely this. It's time to put them wise about their father and be clear the invitation was for them, not him. If you're uncomfortable contacting him beforehand, you are not going to enjoy the occasion that you have been kind enough to offer. It will cast a pall over the whole proceedings. If they still wish to celebrate with him they are free to do so.

You don't have to suck this up OP, you matter too. 💐

Bluebells1970 · 25/05/2023 09:49

Your DC are adults. You message them the morning of said occasion and say "I'm so looking forward to later. Please make sure that DF brings money to cover his share later so there isn't any misunderstanding when it comes to paying the bill".

TheFeistyFeminist · 25/05/2023 09:57

I agree wholeheartedly with priming the adult child who wants him there, that he's going to need to pay for his share if not half the entire bill, or he'll be washing up under police guard because you won't bail him out.

I agree that a discreet conversation in advance with the restaurant might be a good idea - especially if you can encourage them to take a scan of his card as insurance against him doing a dine and dash.

Then, jovially at the table in front of everyone (including the waiting staff?) say "seeing as you're here, are you paying for half of everything tonight or just all of what you have?".

That way you've laid the groundwork, and you've addressed it in front of witnesses, but you've kept it light. If he gets nasty, he looks like the asshole.

FinallyHere · 25/05/2023 09:58

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 25/05/2023 00:00

I'd speak to the restaurant in advance and make it very clear you want 2 separate bills at the end

This

Then reinforce the message when you place the order

Separate bills please is a totally normal thing to do.