Tricky situation

[Blondewithredlips]

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

But otherwise I agree two separate celebrations is more appropriate.
If your child wishes a photo with both mom and dad (very common), add a third very low key reunion in a trusted family members or friends neutral space for that.

I really don't want to see him. I don't like making my life difficult but I want my child to have a lovely day and DC wants both parents there.

If he’s that tight, I’d expect him to skip out over the whole stay tbh.
And don’t your adult children have an idea of what he’s like ?

Unfortunately we cannot do that as we all live far away from each other.

What did he reply ?

Is there someone who could mediate ? His parents ? You set out the terms very clearly by writing, up to him if he’s coming after that ?

Or if parents wish to foot his bill, even easier for you. Sorry hard to advise with such little information.

I think he may not turn up but cannot guarantee it unfortunately. DC all know about his behaviour as the financial consequences of his behaviour have caused us a lot of stress.

Hi OP! Congratulations on your kid's celebration.

As someone who's been a waitress for quite a long time I can confirm that it's pretty normal for people to ask for separate bills prior to the meal. It's a bit of a logistical nightmare especially now that all orders are computerised but where there's a will, there's a way. Just be sure to tell your children in advance that you'll do that as he won't be able to play victim when the bill arrives . Good luck

Unfortunately no-one as his behaviour before the divorce shattered a lot of friendships.

Forget your wallet!.

Thank you that is very reassuring.

Fantastic!

Is there a reason they are hoping for him to change ? Has he got closer to them ? Otherwise the notifying the restaurant seems the only way

Just don’t pay for him on the day. Go up to the till, take off all of his food and drink, and pay the rest away from the table. Then when you leave remind him that he needs to pay for his, or get your child to remind him. They invited their DAd, and are an adult, they can handle it with their own father.

I have an Ex like this. Worse he’d make a big thing about not affording it and our child would probably pay for him.

Yes, same experience. I just suggested paying at the bar in the hope of a more private conversation.

Not in contact with ex-husband. I have told DC that I can tolerate ex which I can as there will be 5 of us excluding him. It is paying for his meal that is an absolute red line for me after being shafted financially by him and OW.

These men are disgusting. DC would try to pay for him too.

Well maybe tell DC to reply yes but you are separate financial entities. If he pushes with DC, just try to eliminate the idea of him attending really, surely your DC will understand it would cause more stress than it’s worth

He has form for letting DC down at the last minute. He says he will meet them but then recycles one of his many excuses as to why he has to cancel. I suspect OW has a lot to do with it.

I think the DC having celebration would be very unhappy if he was not there. The other DC would not be bothered at all.

Can you look into choosing one of those restaurants where you pay in advance online ?

Will look into that. Thank you.

They tend to be buffet style with a specified amount of food and drinks included. You book, you get what you paid for, sorted.
Id say if your DC is going to pay for him in secret well it’s the beginning of their adult choices. I’d try to keep the conversation open as much as possible with DC if they’re considering doing this, in a non judgmental way, but then when travel costs and overnight stay become included I’d want to know, frame it as budgeting and life and family choices (which is true really)

Sorry, not read any of the replies. My advice would be to tell him they need x amount upfront and give him the details to pay for it.