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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Coffeeandcards · 25/05/2023 06:47

Surely it’s no different to a meal with friends or work? Just get the bill at the end, work out what you are going to pay for you and kids, pay that then the card machine goes to him for his share?

PerryMenno · 25/05/2023 06:53

Coffeeandcards · 25/05/2023 06:47

Surely it’s no different to a meal with friends or work? Just get the bill at the end, work out what you are going to pay for you and kids, pay that then the card machine goes to him for his share?

Going out with your freeloading ex who probably hates you is nothing like going out with friends. OP knows him well and wouldn't put it past him to pull some stunt to get out of paying.

Notanotherone5 · 25/05/2023 06:57

At a lot of restaurants these days (especially pub ones) there’s QR code on the table where you can scan it then order your own food / drinks to the table (and pay immediately for what you have just ordered) - it was popular during Covid. Maybe find one of those restaurants?

Hell121 · 25/05/2023 06:57

Cannot believe some posters are saying you should pay for him!

FlounderingFruitcake · 25/05/2023 06:58

Go to a pub where you can order at the bar or through an app.

Hell121 · 25/05/2023 06:59

is a compromise for your child offering to meet for a drink after the meal?

SimonsCow · 25/05/2023 07:03

A pay at the till when you order restaurant would be ideal here. Probably not very classy but if you can find one it would solve your problem entirely. Nando’s is the only one I can think of but there is a pub near me that does it too with actually quite decent food. Perhaps if you share the location some MNetters might be able to help find you somewhere?

ChangeyPosty · 25/05/2023 07:07

Restaurants split bills all the time. I regularly go for meals with friends and the waiter will split it evenly by say, 5 and we each tap our cards.

44PumpLane · 25/05/2023 07:13

Have child let him know he will be paying for himself.

Let your waiter know at the start of the meal privately that you want his stuff on his own separate bill and you do not wish to be in any way liable for him.

Enjoy your evening and be safe in the knowledge that you won't be paying for him.

NamelessNancy · 25/05/2023 07:21

Hell121 · 25/05/2023 06:59

is a compromise for your child offering to meet for a drink after the meal?

This. It's one thing both attending a larger event like wedding, graduation etc where it's easier to just steer clear of each other. A meal for five (maybe to celebrate something like a graduation) is a very different prospect.

I can understand the DC in question would like it if parents could have an enjoyable meal together but that's not the reality of their family. Whatever happens it will be awkward and unpleasant for OP. As adult DC they should maybe have more sensitivity to her situation.

I'd have thought out for pre or post meal celebration drink with dad and a meal with mum and siblings would be more appropriate than the situation described.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2023 07:28

Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 02:00

These men are disgusting. DC would try to pay for him too.

Show quote history

If this is the case, are you considering letting that happen? Sort of a be cruel to be kind thing to your dc. I’m thinking maybe they’ll find it easier to disengage from him if your ex does it to them rather than you.

Beautyhoard · 25/05/2023 07:32

I would take cash, then when the bill comes you can put your share physically down and make clear the rest is on him. You could also magically 'only just have enough' for your share.

SD1978 · 25/05/2023 07:33

Firstly I'd confirm that they can and do split bills. Some places don't. If they do, reconfirm (quietly) after you get there with the server that his specific bill needs to be generated separately despite him sitting at the table and anything ordered by him, is on his bill.

isthewashingdryyet · 25/05/2023 07:34

The ex will ‘forget’ his wallet…….

the duty manager will be able to work this out before anything gets ordered, mine is fabulous with freeloading relatives and insists on taking a deposit from all the people who will be paying, and at least one couple have left our restaurant as they ‘forgot’ their cards just once too often.
But the manager needs to know this in advance to be able to do this.

RockStrangeNight · 25/05/2023 07:38

You could say to him in the restaurant, shall we split the bill? And see what he says 😂
You can throw in 'or you just pay for you' as an alternative offer.

GabriellaMontez · 25/05/2023 07:39

NoSquirrels · 25/05/2023 00:19

I did not invite him but child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

As said child is an adult, and well aware that their father and mother don’t speak or have a cordial relationship, then I would kindly but firmly make it clear to them that whilst you are very happy they want to include their father, you will not be paying for his meal or drinks. So when they extend the invitation, they must make it clear that he is paying his portion of the bill.

Exactly this.

DisforDarkChocolate · 25/05/2023 07:39

Restaurants are so used to bill splitting now the waiter will probably ask when they bring the bill. Then, just tell them what your paying for (or not paying for because if he thinks your paying your ex will be not hold back). Big smile and keep chatting like it's all perfectly normal.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 25/05/2023 07:44

BarleySugars · 25/05/2023 03:49

This

Show quote history

If he’s anything like my Ex, this would cause drama and grief straight away. He would start to question, to say how stressed he was and with all the maintenance he’d paid why couldn’t I pay, or my parents pay, or what about if we all just paid for ourselves and then go off on one…

OneLittleFinger · 25/05/2023 07:45

Arrange with non-celebrating children that you will reimburse them but that they'll need to pay on the night. So it appears that you pay for yourself and birthday child, everyone else pays for themselves. You can 'agree' this at the table to begin with so ex is forewarned. Then you're not seemingly leaving him out, but he cannr argue if the kids are paying for themselves.

CaloundraBlues · 25/05/2023 07:49

I hope everything works out ok OP, I can't imagine having to sit there having a meal for a couple of hours with my ex. Kudos to you for even agreeing to have him there

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 25/05/2023 07:50

squidgybits · 25/05/2023 01:36

Does not sound like much fun for anybody
Is daddy doing the overnight stay in this city also?

Sounds like you like to make life difficult and uncomfortable

Read the OP. She did NOT invite this bloke, the ‘child’ did.

My Gran used to say ‘ if you can’t say something pleasant, keep quiet’. Good advice, take it to heart.

Wanttobefree2 · 25/05/2023 07:50

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:31

Sorry but I will not pay for a man that left me financially struggling to put several children through university. Also not happy to contact him beforehand.

When the bill comes I’d just say can we split this 50/50? Don’t let him only pay for himself if you can help it. Good luck, what an idiot to invite himself along and making the whole event awkward!

EricNorthman · 25/05/2023 07:50

This is simple....you have a simple.conversation with your ADULT child.
'I've had a long think about dinner, and i would prefer if we stuck to the original offer of me taking us out as a treat. I appreciate you want to celebrate with your dad too, But you can do that at another time, or meet for drinks afterwards'.

DO NOT let your freeloading ex come, it will ruin your evening and take any goodness out of the evening worrying about the bill.
Your 'child' is old enough to understand why his Mom probably doesnt want to be around her ex, whether thats their Dad or not.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 25/05/2023 07:59

Grumpy67i8 · 25/05/2023 01:14

Your children are adults. You need to be frank with them.

Quite.

I've been both the child and the adult in this circumstance. In your place I would ask the dc to confirm in advance with their dad that he will be paying for his own food and drink, that way there will be no confusion at the time. They're old enough to know that things aren't great between you but you are being the bigger person by accepting that the dc wants their father to join you all for this meal, but not to pay for dad's meal.

DCs aren't stupid. It's absolutely right that they want dad to be there but accept that things aren't rosy and that YOUR invite did not extend to dad, OK if he tags along BUT he need to pay for himself.

I know that feeling of dread op, but try to not let it cloud what sounds like a fabulous celebration. Hard, I know.

johnnydeppsslipper · 25/05/2023 08:00

@Wombastic

Are your children adults?

I can see they would like you both to sit at the same table to eat a meal however I'm guessing they are old enough to understand your not happy nor comfortable to do so

Tell them your more than happy to go and celebrate with them seperatley where you can relax and enjoy your celebration but that won't happen for you with hun there and there's a reason you are divorced.

A small intimate gathering at a table as a family with an ex would be my idea of hell