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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:54

Kanaloa · 24/05/2023 23:49

Can’t you just tell your child no? Say ‘no I said I’d take you kids out but I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking your father out. Maybe he can take you out Sunday after we’ve been out Saturday.’

Your children presumably are adult. They are old enough to catch on that their mother may not want to take her ex out for dinner, and to understand that they see their parents separately.

Unfortunately we are all travelling from different parts of the country to a city that requires an overnight stay. The children see their father online, rarely in person

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 24/05/2023 23:54

I would either advise your child that he can’t come and they can celebrate with their father separately, or would tell the child to tell the father he will have to pay 50/50. If you don’t think he will when I get to the meal I would advise the waiter you are paying for you and the kids only so separate bills

i certainly wouldn’t suck it up as others suggest. The kids are adult and deserve to know how little their father has supported them

Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:56

If you're not happy to contact him then you'll have to tell him face to face once there "I'm not paying for your meal". Done.

ThereIbledit · 24/05/2023 23:57

Absolutely don't suck it up!

I would say breezily to him when you all arrive that you assume that you and he will pay for your own drinks and meals each and split the two children's meals between the two of you.

Aim high, negotiate down to just his meal and drinks if he pushes it to the point where it would ruin the occasion.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 25/05/2023 00:00

I'd speak to the restaurant in advance and make it very clear you want 2 separate bills at the end

Ponderingwindow · 25/05/2023 00:04

tell the waitperson at the beginning of the meal that the table will be doing two separate checks.

that way he can’t plead poverty at the end of the meal.

Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 00:12

Ponderingwindow · 25/05/2023 00:04

tell the waitperson at the beginning of the meal that the table will be doing two separate checks.

that way he can’t plead poverty at the end of the meal.

I had not thought of that. Would not put it past him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondewithredlips · 25/05/2023 00:13

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 25/05/2023 00:00

I'd speak to the restaurant in advance and make it very clear you want 2 separate bills at the end

Good idea will restaurants be happy to do this?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/05/2023 00:19

I did not invite him but child whose Celebration it is wants him there.

As said child is an adult, and well aware that their father and mother don’t speak or have a cordial relationship, then I would kindly but firmly make it clear to them that whilst you are very happy they want to include their father, you will not be paying for his meal or drinks. So when they extend the invitation, they must make it clear that he is paying his portion of the bill.

SkyandSurf · 25/05/2023 00:26

When you arrive, tell Ex-DH you are delighted he wanted to come and split all the costs with you. Tell the waiter at the beginning, in front of everyone, that you will each be paying half of the total costs. In front of everyone thank Ex DH for co-hosting with you, so lovely that after all these years he was willing to come together for this important celebration and treat everyone with you.

Cheap bastard.

Fairowing · 25/05/2023 00:29

Although you’re not willing to contact Ex-H in advance and make an agreement on either that he will pay for himself or you will pay x amount and anything over he is responsible for - this is the only way without causing an uncomfortable distraction from the reason you’re having the meal.
Suggested solutions like asking for a separate bill may cause a scene at the end of an otherwise pleasant experience, especially if you’re anticipating it all the way through and he has no idea.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/05/2023 00:39

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 23:38

Tell them to inform their father he needs to bring money to cover his share.
If your child asks why then enlighten them as to how little he contributed to their financial needs as children and paying for him is a red line you are not willing to cross.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

EpicChaos · 25/05/2023 00:42

When the waiter/waitress comes to take your orders, tell them that the person in question is paying for their own, so would the waiter/waitress make sure that the bill is kept separate.
Make sure you pay your own bill and leave before he has chance to do a disappearing trick and leave you with his bill.

Densol57 · 25/05/2023 00:46

Your kids are adults
stop trying to protect them from ex’s meanness
he pays his way ( and half the kids meals ) or he doesn't come
period.

Kitkatcatflap · 25/05/2023 01:13

Calculate the cost of meal in the restaurant including drinks and service/tips and inform him he needs to pay up front or he will be uninvited. You could also give the invoice to the child who invited him to pass it on.

If he refuses to pay upfront, inform the restaurant that he will require a separate bill for any food or drink ordered and consumed. SMS him before to avoid any 'I've forgotten my wallet' moments. Save any responses.

Grumpy67i8 · 25/05/2023 01:14

Your children are adults. You need to be frank with them.

Rubychews · 25/05/2023 01:15

You need to speak to him before he starts ordering, just pull him aside and say I am not paying for you, I’ve asked the restaurant to do 2 separate bills.

chaosmaker · 25/05/2023 01:16

Separate bills up front before anything is ordered and yes, any restaurant would be happy to do that. It doesn't matter to them.

LifeExperience · 25/05/2023 01:23

Notify the restaurant ahead of time that you will pay for everyone except a man whom you will discreetly point out to the waiter before the meal. Tell them he should be presented with his own check at the end of the meal.

SparklyBlackKitten · 25/05/2023 01:24

Is this really worth all this mental time?? All this stress???
Prepay your meals and drinks for you and the kids . Prepay only his meal

Tell him HIS meal is paid
But the drinks are for HIM to pay
Inform staff of this

Then let It all go. For the sake of stress. And the sake of your kids. Dont make it hard or awkward or weird for them.
Suck it up for them. Don't hold on to the past.

gelijkheid · 25/05/2023 01:24

Is he the type who will say he has forgotten his wallet and will pay you later? If so, it's best if he doesn't attend. Also, how will you feel spending a few hours chit chatting with him?

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/05/2023 01:28

I would say, when you get there, "I am treating the kids but you are paying for yourself so dont even think about trying to claim you forgot your wallet"

squidgybits · 25/05/2023 01:36

Does not sound like much fun for anybody
Is daddy doing the overnight stay in this city also?

Sounds like you like to make life difficult and uncomfortable

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 01:40

Just notify the restaurant ahead of time, with a reminder on the day, that this person will be responsible for paying their own meal. Summarise briefly that it is a divorce situation and a celebration of a wonderful achievement for your child, who you do not wish to be aware. I would suggest agreeing in advance paying at the bar (will there be anyone else to distract your child while you both go?), and they will be able to be firm but discreet that he’s not leaving without paying.
I would however be clear with your ex that this will be the non negotiable situation, not to protect him, but to protect your child if he refuses at the bar if taken by surprise. It gives him the option to opt out, which, while sad, would spare your child embarrassment and possibly police involvement.
Just be very factual.

FelicityFlops · 25/05/2023 01:41

Will he even turn up, if this involves substantial travel and an overnight stay?
Has he already been invited and accepted?
As you do not appear to be in contact, I would expect the person who invited their father to make it clear to him that (best case) he goes 50/50 or (worst case) he pays his own, separate, bill.

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