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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tricky situation

331 replies

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:21

My Ex-H and I have grown up children. I have not seen or been in contact with him for years.
Unfortunately I will see him at an important celebration for one of the children. I booked a restaurant for myself and children and said I would pay as a treat.
It looks like he will be coming along too. He has form for being mean with money and contributed very little financially to the children.
How do I make sure he pays for his own meal and drinks without making things awkward. Don't care about his feelings...

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:14

Blipblapblooplala · 25/05/2023 02:13

Sorry, not read any of the replies. My advice would be to tell him they need x amount upfront and give him the details to pay for it.

Show quote history

OP isn’t in contact with him. DC invited him and OP accepted for the happiness for her child, but now has no way of knowing

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 02:16

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Call the restaurant ahead of time and ask if separating checks is a problem.

Then tell the server before you order loudly and in front of him: there will one check for him and I will take all of the others.

Sorry you have to deal with this. But I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it the few times my parents both showed up and behaved for me. I only ever asked at my university graduation and my wedding. I made me feel very loved that they would agree to it.

Blipblapblooplala · 25/05/2023 02:17

Thanks for updating me. Ouch, that hard.

Godlovesall26 · 25/05/2023 02:18

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 02:16

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Call the restaurant ahead of time and ask if separating checks is a problem.

Then tell the server before you order loudly and in front of him: there will one check for him and I will take all of the others.

Sorry you have to deal with this. But I cannot tell you how much I appreciated it the few times my parents both showed up and behaved for me. I only ever asked at my university graduation and my wedding. I made me feel very loved that they would agree to it.

OP says he has form for canceling last minute and making up excuses though. I’d want a pre-paid thing with this type

AliceOlive · 25/05/2023 02:44

What difference does it make if he doesn’t show up? OP is not expecting him to pay for anyone but himself.

W0tnow · 25/05/2023 03:32

Call for the bill, inform the waiter you’ll pay x amount. Tap your card, indicate your ex will pay the rest. I’d pay for me and the kids.

BarleySugars · 25/05/2023 03:49

shiningstar2 · 24/05/2023 23:47

I would simply ask him ...are you going 50 50 on this celebration meal for one of our children or are you just paying for yourself?

No drama. Clear choice given. No room for any misunderstanding.

This

NumberTheory · 25/05/2023 03:51

Take plenty of cash. When the bill comes, hand him exactly the right amount to cover you and the kids and say “There’s our share.” Approach the server separately to give them a tip.

Rainbowqueeen · 25/05/2023 05:14

The restaurant will most likely allow split bills.

I would organise that in advance. I’d also tell the DC so that they know this is what you are doing. Just say something like “I’m so looking forward to celebrating Jill’s success. Just so you know I will be treating you all. I don’t have the funds to pay for X and will let him know but I’m sure he will be happy to cover his own cost”.

Then think about the best way to tell X in order to cause the least amount of fuss. Would a note that you give him when you arrive work?

femfemlicious · 25/05/2023 05:26

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:37

Yes

Show quote history

For me, I would tell the child that I would rather he doesn't come and tell why. I think kids should be told these things .

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 25/05/2023 05:45

option one: Say loudly at the start when the server first attends your table “Hi, could we please have a separate bill for myself and these 2/3/4 “kids, he will be paying separately”

Option 2 - Say is discreetly, tell server you would like two bills and how it’s split. Two bills will then be bought out. You know he won’t offer 50/50 but can you trust that he won’t leave prior to the bill? Maybe make restaurant aware of who he is early on and say he will be having a separate bill and he needs to pay in full so please be vigilant. Not sure how this works as I’ve never attempted to dine and dash.

Do the kids understand what he’s like? Can you warn them that this is what your going to have to do?

BellaJuno · 25/05/2023 05:57

I’d book somewhere you order at the bar / counter then when the time comes, tell him to go up himself to sort his.

cfmtb · 25/05/2023 05:57

Not sure how fancy a place you are hoping to go but some places will let you pre order online, and may prefer with a party of larger than 6 - you can always ask if they'd let you pay upfront for food (drinks bit more tricky)
Several places now also allow you to order and pay on apps/online from your table, might be worth checking if that's a thing anywhere nice in the place you're visiting. He could then just do his own

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 25/05/2023 06:01

Blondewithredlips · 24/05/2023 23:43

My finances would never be able to stretch to the amount he would drink even if I could stomach it.

Show quote history

Any chance he'll just walk off and stick you with a big bill? I'd be worried about that. You could make it know to your server he's paying for himself, no idea if that will make him behave like an adult or not.

isthewashingdryyet · 25/05/2023 06:09

Another waitress here, quite happy to set up separate bills. You could also ask to speak to the duty manager when you get there or even call up before hand, and have the clear conversation at the table with the manager, and your cheapskate ex, who will be paying for what. Can you also tell the duty he has form for not paying, so the duty might like to take an impression of both your cards before the meal, and then charge accordingly.

you also need the tough conversation with the DC who has invited dad, that this is not on you, and you will not be paying and if it ruins the experience well, then we all know what sort of a freeloader he really is.

PerryMenno · 25/05/2023 06:11

I'd choose a restaurant with QR codes on the table so you can each order as you go. Or a pre-pay set menu, or order at the bar etc. Anything that prevents him from shirking out of his share at the end.

donquixotedelamancha · 25/05/2023 06:18

be the bigger person for their sake - regardless of how much of a (insert appropriate expletive) you think he is.

Why do people tell OP to do something that she's made very clear would upset her, for completely valid reasons?

'Surrender your boundaries' is such terrible advice.

donquixotedelamancha · 25/05/2023 06:18

isthewashingdryyet · 25/05/2023 06:09

Another waitress here, quite happy to set up separate bills. You could also ask to speak to the duty manager when you get there or even call up before hand, and have the clear conversation at the table with the manager, and your cheapskate ex, who will be paying for what. Can you also tell the duty he has form for not paying, so the duty might like to take an impression of both your cards before the meal, and then charge accordingly.

you also need the tough conversation with the DC who has invited dad, that this is not on you, and you will not be paying and if it ruins the experience well, then we all know what sort of a freeloader he really is.

This.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 25/05/2023 06:30

isthewashingdryyet · 25/05/2023 06:09

Another waitress here, quite happy to set up separate bills. You could also ask to speak to the duty manager when you get there or even call up before hand, and have the clear conversation at the table with the manager, and your cheapskate ex, who will be paying for what. Can you also tell the duty he has form for not paying, so the duty might like to take an impression of both your cards before the meal, and then charge accordingly.

you also need the tough conversation with the DC who has invited dad, that this is not on you, and you will not be paying and if it ruins the experience well, then we all know what sort of a freeloader he really is.

This

FrangipaniBlue · 25/05/2023 06:35

I couldn't be on with any of this telling restaurant or waiter beforehand because that potentially then is creating drama and an atmosphere throughout the meal.

Make sure YOU ask for the bill (from experience restaurants tend to hand it to "the man" FFS!).

When they hand you the bill simply say "oh I'll pay for mine and the kids"

Job done, no drama.

FurElise · 25/05/2023 06:36

When the bill comes just say "would you like to cover half or just your own?" Covers the issue and, if he just pays his own, makes him look like a mean asshole in front of his kids. Mission accomplished.

Wombastic · 25/05/2023 06:37

Notimeforaname · 24/05/2023 23:23

You tell him, clearly, beforehand that he pays for his own meal.

Then when its time for the bill, you ask for two separate bills. One for him, one for you and your kids. Done.

This.

isthewashingdryyet · 25/05/2023 06:40

Bit late, if he has conveniently forgotten his wallet. Needs sorting before anything is ordered, and duty manager will be happy to ask to see a current card
mush easier to sort before hand than at the point of the bill at the table

KippersForBreakfast · 25/05/2023 06:42

Just outright ask him “will you just be paying for your food or do you intend to buy the children’s meals, or just the child celebrating or just add the wine to the table?”

I think that’s makes it clear. Also, as soon as the waiter comes over, make it clear you want two bills.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 25/05/2023 06:46

I couldn't be on with any of this telling restaurant or waiter beforehand because that potentially then is creating drama and an atmosphere throughout the meal.

I disagree. She doesn't need to stand up and be dramatic about it. Just discreetly go over at some point early on to let the staff know that his bill is separate.

Don't be paying for any of his. Not food, and of course not drinks.

Don't let it stress you out.