To withdraw my child from school sports day

[MissHoollie]

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

And of course the parents scolding the upset Amelia because it doesn’t matter who is last and she should just clap and smile since she can’t be good at everything and it’s all just good fun.

If my DDs school did anything like that to celebrate kids who are good at academics or music or even art then I would tell her to smile and do sports day. But they don't. There are no academic prizes or celebrations or presentations because it is 'so important the less able kids don't feel bad'. That's fine. But it should either apply to everything, including sports, or nothing so that at least they can all succeed at something as well as lose.

Quite agree.
Is your dc school a Steiner School?
Its an unusual approach that there are no awards for anything.

@JustBeKindItsEasy no not Steiner. Just a Headteacher who can't see how inconsistent their ideas are.

I can’t even understand what point you’re making any more. That kids who don’t enjoy the humiliation of sports day should have to go and be humiliated so they can clap the kids being given prizes, because at your school there are a few kids who don’t get prizes at prize-giving? Are the kids who aren’t getting prizes at prize-giving being forced to compete publicly at all the things they’re not getting prizes for?

And again, does your school make it obvious who came last in every single subject, who was the worst at chess and beekeeping (were there public beekeeping competitions?), who was the least helpful around the school…? Because that is the whole problem with sports day. Celebrating winners is great, drawing attention to losers less so.

My kids’ school doesn’t do prize-giving at all but if it did and they never won anything I’d be fine with it as long as they didn’t hate school and were generally happy tbh; I wouldn’t insist they found a sport they could compete and be successful in as long as they had hobbies and activities they enjoyed. I’d rather my kids were happy than successful, and I don’t need external validation of that. But if they were being asked to do something that genuinely distressed them - like everyone watching them come last in something they hated and had no interest in pursuing - then I’d remove them from that without hesitation.

@JustBeKindItsEasy I think what you’re saying is that the kids who aren’t academic or helpful or good at beekeeping have to sit and cheer the ones who are, so the kids who aren’t sporty should have to cheer the ones who are. I don’t disagree with this, but what does this have to do with actually competing in sports day? Why can’t the non-sporty kids sit indoors and do some maths or beekeeping or whatever while everyone’s racing and throwing and jumping, and then just join in for the bit where they announce the prizes?

The alternative argument is that you think every child should be made to compete in a public display of every academic subject (plus chess and beekeeping and everything else there’s a prize for)…

I can’t see opinions changing based on our experience as clearly minds have been made up.

But as ours have now left school we have found sticking to it and supporting your house to win the cup rather than standing on the sidelines ( and we had the odd kid whose parents didn’t want their kids to join in either ) taught them how to keep at it. Support others for the greater good. The side liners never did this and became isolated and ….well…..considered not team players. I won’t go into specifics as no one here wants to know really.

I would also say everyone who joined in got points for the house
Everyone also got extra points if they beat their personal best, even if they came last. ( all personal best were recorded during sports lessons) So someone coming last could get 1pt for their place in the race and an extra 5pts for beating their personal best. A total of 6pts which was the same points as second place. Win win for the house.

Finally we did not and neither did the school in any way push our kids to find a sport they were good at. We didn’t even discuss it. He did this himself once he joined senior school. So now he doesn’t live with the thought that sports are not for him as he’s crap.

It’s all about embracing everything that you can and supporting your team mates.

If PPs concider this humiliation then their kids will too
Rather better to teach kids that they can’t be great at everything, there will be times in life when they have to deal with being exposed as not great and learn to ride above it.

How everyone teaches their kids this is up to them.

@JustBeKindItsEasy I can’t imagine many average-sized schools recording the personal best of every single child in every single sporting discipline! It sounds like your school made a huge effort to make everyone feel included and as though their efforts were worth it, both in sports and other subjects (you say yourself there was a very broad range of things they could win prizes for - which is why I find it a bit odd that you object to prizegiving so much).

I think it’s fair to say though that this is not most people’s experience, and saying “this is only humiliating if you think it is” based on only your experience is a bit of an empathy failure. Plenty of children, rather than being encouraged to show up and support their team, are well aware that their “team” would much prefer them to stay out of it and leave it to the kids who are good at it. They know this because they have spent all year being picked last in PE lessons and watching those “team-mates” groan and roll their eyes at thought of having them on their team. They have been “exposed as not great at something” all year round: they don’t have to wait until sports day to learn that particular lesson.

Regardless of personal experience though I just don’t see how anyone can claim sports day and prizegiving are equivalent - until they start announcing all the people who were worst in the class in each subject at prizegiving, too.

Again, do you feel like this about every activity? Should children be routine forced to compete solos at dance competitions, compete in public spelling contests, stand up and perform mental mathematics in front of an audience, to learn they ‘can’t be great at everything’ for the ‘greater good?’

And do you personally ensure that you do this to continue your practice of not being the best at everything for the greater good? Do you ensure you frequently perform in public at activities you are poor at and dislike to make sure you’re joining in and building resilience?

I keep asking that too @Kanaloa .

I am starting to think some people just have a bit of a blind spot around sports day - it seems like one of those things that we’ve always done so people just refuse to see the issues with it.

No ones forced.
They chose for the greater good.

It was the best thing to do, speaking as a parent of three now grown up kids.

They could walk the races if they wanted to, they still get points for the house and show they care.

it’s called being part of a team. You are either a team player or you’re not. Mine are.

And do your children ‘choose’ to compete in other activities they’re poor at or dislike for the greater good? Do they compete academically in front of an audience and in other activities like dance and theatre despite being poor at it for the greater good? Do you frequently show up to compete in marathons you have had little training or support for

And they just can’t see that it’s the same. It’s the same as throwing a kid on stage at a dance contest and telling them to do it for the greater good despite the fact that they’ve never done it before. It’s the same as pushing the worst kid at maths up on stage and forcing them to painfully recite their 12 times table. Nobody can express why sports day is somehow different,

@JustBeKindItsEasy I rowed as part of a team at university; I’m a team player in my department at work; I think of my family as a team. I wasn’t allowed to compete in sports days in secondary school because I wasn’t good enough. It’s almost like it‘s possible to learn to work co-operatively with people without having ever been involved in sports days…

You don't feel part of a team when the ones who are good at sport grumble and groan and complain when you are put in their team.

My children did chose to take part in many things they weren’t any good at.
for example
Drama, for years and years ( 14 to be exact )
Choir, also for years but eventually got into the Cathedral choir.
So many more.
They had Mastermind things at school and despite one not being that academic he put his name forward and had a great time….more points for the house. Win win.

I volunteered for the cathedral choir several times for charity even though I can’t sing. I had a go.
Also did the parents races and stuff like that even though I knew I wouldn’t just be last I’d be way way behind.

Have a go, join in and be the better person for it.

You can all keep berating me and try to get the upper hand but I know from experience with mine and all my friends kids that are all grown up now. We see the difference between ours and the side liners in so many things.

You will all however do whatever you want. Just remember you may think you’re protecting your kids, but are you really.

I keep trying to make this point too. You spend all year with your classmates going “oh no, do we HAVE to have her on our team?” in PE lessons and yet somehow this same team will fall apart if we’re not there to hold it all together on sports day.

We also need to compete on sports day to learn we can’t be good at everything because that’s a lesson that can only be learned in front of the whole school and their parents - you can’t possibly work it out from your classmates and your teacher telling you how rubbish you are every week.

@JustBeKindItsEasy I actually think it’s really really important to do things you enjoy whether you’re any good at them or not. I’ve been in choirs too despite not being able to sing; I have loads of hobbies I’ve never got much better at. I’d encourage my kids to do the same - you absolutely don’t have to be good at something to have a go at it and the world would be a poorer place if the only people who did anything were brilliant at it.

But the key difference is… you should do things you’re not good at if you enjoy them. No sane person who hated singing would join a choir; in any case, there aren’t enough hours in a day to pursue every single thing you possibly could. If a child isn’t terribly good at something but they love it, absolutely they should do it for as long as possible; if they are no good and they hate it, surely that’s a totally different situation?

Clearly your child was reasonably good at singing, otherwise they wouldn't have got into the choir, and at quizzes, otherwise they wouldn't have earned points. I would never make a child who isn't good at Drama go in for acting - either they will never win a part,so it's pointless, or if it's one of those groups that casts anyone who turns up, you risk spoiling the entire production which is just inconsiderate. Plus it's daft, given that there are so many other ways non-actors can help out with productions.

I can't see how any of this is comparable to making your child humiliate themselves publicly dong something they hate.

Why do you feel that competing in choir and sporting events you dislike makes you ‘the better person?’ Why does that make you superior to someone who devotes their time to things they enjoy?

I mean, congrats on being in the choir despite not being good at singing but why do you think that makes you better?

They weren't any good but got into the Cathedral choir?

Clearly that means that they were good and that they enjoyed it. If they were terrible and it made them miserable, it would be a different story.

Exactly.

I had no interest in being part of a team that would spend PE lessons mocking me or fighting over who would have to 'take' me.

Yes……no ? Required.
No skill at the beginning and didn’t make chorister as aparently at 8 he didn’t have the ‘range’.

You perceiver you get promoted
He was terrible at the beginning.

The cathedral choir is made up of students from the Cathedral school, once you get to a certain age if you’ve been in it for long enough you make the grade. Clearly with all that practice he improved. He wanted to be part of it, he kept at it…..he was successful.

Do at least try and enjoy sports day everyone !

He wanted it.

So he was just doing something that he wanted to do. Sounds like he enjoyed it and wanted to practice and improve.

Completely different to having no interest in it, not wanting to do it and it making you feel miserable.