To withdraw my child from school sports day

[MissHoollie]

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

It's once a year. My dyslexic son has to do English every day. Perhaps I should keep him home every day. If you Molly coddle children they will struggle as adults
If you keep him home this year he will expect it every year. I'd pick him up after sports day and take him for an ice cream and tell him you are proud of him for doing his best. That's what I tell my DS about his English.

Presumably you want your dyslexic son to improve at English, so he needs daily practice. The school aren’t putting him on stage to enter an annual spelling bee. OP isn’t withdrawing her son from PE, just sports day. It really doesn’t matter if he does miss it every year. It’s supposed to be fun and probably is for the majority of kids. If OP’s son finds it the opposite of fun, there is really no point in him being there.

I love this so much. I’ve always just felt it made absolutely no intuitive sense that children benefit from bad stuff happening to them so I’m glad that Ed Psych has confirmed it! Thanks so much for saying all this, it articulates everything I feel about this issue so clearly.

What about the kids who always win? Or the majority who come somewhere in the middle but enjoy a day off lessons anyway. Surely you keep applying for jobs is because those bills don’t pay themselves! Though rejections can be very disheartening if you are actually unemployed!

My DD has ASD - she was in fucking nappies and non-verbal until 5 after which some of her treatments worked. She used to hate sports - do you know why? Because dumb little shits used to tease her. But through the help of the school she was able to stick at it and now she’s in their secondary on a sports scholarship. Her best friend has a stammer - when they read aloud the expectation is for all kids to listen non-judgementally otherwise they get strikes against them (3 strikes and you’re suspended, 4 and you are expelled). This was a private school - where kids with mild ASD kids are morely likely to thrive. State schools destroy SEN kids by not tackling the root cause of problems.

there is still this perception that suffering is "character building" for kids. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. - indeed so.

Losing - esp the ability to lose resiliently - is so, so important in real life and sports day type competitions are the most accessible way most kids can learn that.

I find that quite disturbing. What a way to treat small developing human beings whose resilience is fostered by love and security not by ritual humiliation. Learning that the world is not perfect and that we have to deal with that many times in our lives is achieved by a solid loving base when we are small.

Presumably you would teach a child to swim by chucking them in the pool.

When I was 7 my mum let me stay at home to miss the school play (that I really didn’t want be in). To this day I think it’s the best thing she’s ever done for me and I am eternally grateful.
your dc will remember this great act of kindness.

Answering a question or reading something out loud in front of the class is not the same as running numerous races for a whole afternoon in front of the whole school and all the moms/dad's etc, it just isn't. We don't have to make our children suffer anxiety just so they can learn to cope with it, a lot of us adults struggle to cope with it so why force them at his age?! Some of my worst childhood memories are from sports days, being made to attend did absolutely nothing to help me cope as an adult, it's a strange way to think about something that is honestly completely useless in real life 🤷‍♀️

I would do whatever it took to safeguard my own child’s mental health and if this was something that caused him stress then I would keep him home “SICK”

My kids always came last at sports day. My son just shrugged his shoulders and didn’t care. My daughter found it hilarious. She and her other short friend came last in everything, even though they clearly made an effort by the expression on their little faces.

The difference is that my kids came last, but they were not traumatised by it. That is just the luck of the draw. I would like to put it down to my superior parenting and efforts of teaching resilience, but it was not. It was just not part of their make up to be troubled by coming last.

if my child felt like the one in the OP, I would keep him home. Next year could be different. But I would listen to my anxious child for whom reassurance was not working this time.

After 30 years working in mental health I can say that trauma of any kind does not automatically build resilience. Being forced to do things that make you feel uncomfortable can make people more anxious and less trusting of others. Conversely a happy childhood and life can people extremely strong and resilient.

The very public nature of sports day makes it very stressful for some kids. Especially ones who are unfit, disabled or overweight in any way. Why not let the sporty kids compete against each other and make attendance voluntary? Let the non-sporty ones cheer on their peers. One day of not running isn’t going to make a difference to a child’s physical health.

Words like resilience are overused and not understood. Having shit experiences does not always result in a strong adult.

I hate the modern narrative that having difficult experiences at school automatically results in well-rounded and functional adults. This is not the case. Don’t underestimate the psychological boost that comes from a parent and school who listen to a child and adapt to their needs. That doesn’t make the child weak. It actually makes them feel strong and have agency.

What a stinking pile of horse-shit...

I cannot think of a single fucking thing that I have to do, that I don't like...

That I have to do, badly, in front of loads of people patronisingly cheering, groaning about how long I take to do it, sarcastically clapping, muttering rude things under their breath...

Sure, theres shit I don't like doing - tax return - hoovering - tidying my desk - organising stock...

There is a clear point to all of them, and none are done with any sort of audience, and as long as I do them to the best of my ability and on time, it doesn't matter how long it takes.

Theres plenty of time and opportunity to learn about getting on with shit you don't really enjoy, between the ages of 7 and being a bloody adult, it doesn't need to involve humiliation in front of ones peers at sports day!

I really can't think of a single example where an adult is forced by others, to do something they absolutely hate, that causes huge anxiety in them, that is in fact totally unnecessary to daily life, that they're awful at. It just doesn't happen!

Lots of children become anxious about stuff at school. It is our job as parents and the school to offer reassurance and perspective. However, when it gets to a stage where the child is feeling sick, anxious and losing sleep and crying, an alternative approach is needed by the parents and school.

And I mean this whether it is for sports day, a school assembly or a maths or spelling test. The system then needs to adapt to the child whose well-being is being significantly compromised by the challenge. It is a not a black-and-white issue and should not be treated as such.

If you can't read, and the whole class is mocking you, and the teacher says you'll never amount to anything in life if you don't learn, yes it is. It's also not just one day, it's everyday.

Just to address the issue of kids being called on to answer questions in class - I really dislike this practice as a teacher because no-one learns in a state of anxiety. I might call on a child who obviously isn’t listening to wake them up, but even then I’d pitch the question at a level I felt they could cope with, as any sensible teacher would. And if a child can’t answer a question you go back a bit and lead them through it until they can. It’s still not really comparable to finishing a race long after everyone else in front of the whole school.

As a teacher, I see the anxiety sports day causes to some children. Sure, some can laugh it off but others can't. 100% agree with the person who said trauma does not automatically build resilience. Pull your child out if it is affecting their mental health to that degree.

No. I don’t agree. Sports day is about so much more than winning. It’s about taking part. Showing up. Being part of a team. Figuring out what you are good at.

If you write off sports day at age 7 you will never give him a chance to figure things out. Races, jumps, throws it won’t be the same children that win each event. Your son might find a small part he enjoys and in later years you can focus on that.

Also praise the effort. Failing that say you will have some ice cream when you get home for all his effort even though he wasn’t looking forward to it. (Flat out bribe)

I hope the school acknowledge everyone taking part as well as the winners. Sport is for everyone. You can enjoy it without winning or being very good. It’s about being happy in your body.

Well, that is terrible too, and a teacher who allows/ does this is a bad teacher. It's not something that children should be just required to cope with,

They have been coping with it for years. Every child know how they compares to the 'most academic'. Most children are effectively set through school. For most children I would be looking at the parents and school as to why they hate sports. Unless there a specific reason physical mental etc all children should be doing sports regularly and sports day.

Yes, they generally know; but that is not the same thing as being mocked by the whole class and being told by a teacher that they will 'never amount to anything'.

Similarly, losing a race or a game is not the same thing as being publicly humiliated for losing a race or a game,

My daughter has never done sports day. She is ASD and the crowds literally sends her into a tailspin. I wouldn't definitely keep him off.

Someone needs to say 'ready steady go', or wave a flag or something else to start a race. Someone may need to judge who came first.

Could it be your child OP? They take part then.

I never did PE for this reason. My mum wrote a note each week. Strangely, as an adult, I am quite sporty, and my husband was/is sporty, as is our 7 year old son. But my mum and I agreed that I didn't have to go through the ritual humiliation each week and I was happier for not doing so. Do what's right for your son!

For most children I would be looking at the parents and school as to why they hate sports.

There have been many posts on this thread from parents of kids who don't hate sports or exercise at all, it's sports day specifically that is a problem for them. My DD is very active. She will happily bounce on a trampoline for hours, and loves long bike rides. But she doesn't have to do those things in front of a large crowd, or deal with excessive noise from hundreds of people shouting and cheering, and she doesn't have to worry about letting others down, or other kids taking the piss if she makes a mistake.

Even if a kid does hate sports, why does that automatically mean the parents or school need "looking at"? Why does it have to be someone's fault if a child hates sport, and why is it even a problem? Hating competitive sport isn't some kind of character flaw that needs to be corrected. There are plenty of physically fit and active adults who choose to exercise alone and in a way that isn't competitive.

If a child hated music, drama or art would you think this was abnormal and the school or parents must be doing something wrong?

My kids didn't mind sports day at primary school, but hated it at secondary . I took them out of school on every sports day.

You know people can just hate sports?

And not everyone is competitive. I'm definitely not competitive.

But there are other things than sport.