To withdraw my child from school sports day

[MissHoollie]

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

Watered down hunger games! Haha just a tad over-dramatic.

So for the bookish but non-athletic kids we have one day of supposed humiliation per year and for the athletic but non-bookish kids it could be argued that there is a visible demonstration of their lack of academic ability every single school day (just without parents involved). So maybe rather than cancel sports day for the parents of the kids that can’t cope with being last why not just hold it behind closed doors? Because someone has to come last and if being last is an acceptable excuse for an opt out then there are no participants and it needs to be cancelled.

It’s a little difficult to take the views of any parents of ‘academic but not sporty’ kids seriously in this matter. I don’t see why encouraging participation and rewarding effort and progress is fine for academic subjects but not for sport.

Many parents wouldn't be happy about holding it behind closed doors but I do like the idea of having 'heats' behind close doors and then those with the fastest times can race again in front of parents.

It really isn’t that hard.

I didn’t have the faintest idea who came bottom of the class in any exam I’ve ever done throughout my academic life. A child wouldn’t even know they came last unless the teacher told them or they asked the entire class their results and worked it out.

It isn’t the same at all and I’m baffled that anyone is suggesting it is.

And to address the idea that an academic non-sporty child has one day of humiliation a year while a non-academic child is humiliated every day:

The level of humiliation a non-academic child faces in academic lessons is equivalent to the level of humiliation a non-sporty child faces in PE lessons.

The level of humiliation a non-sporty child faces on Sports Day is the equivalent of what a non-academic child would face if a school lined all the Y6 pupils up on the school field in order of their SATS results and invited the rest of the school and all the parents to watch.

Funnily enough though no school would ever consider doing that…

Exactly card. It’s the public aspect there really is no equivalence. The stuff of nightmares for the non sporty / self conscious child.

And it doesn’t mean the sporty ones don’t get their sports day. Have it! But why require the children who hate it to take part too? They can watch and cheer and do low key stuff.

You wouldn’t shove a desperately shy child with a stutter who really didn’t want to do it on stage with a main speaking part would you?

Sports day is very different now to when I was at school. There are all kinds of events that he might be able to enjoy and do well in such as welly throwing etc. Maybe it is time for you to build up two things: resilience and accepting that he can't always do well in everything. It is also not great parenting to let him stay off school when he is well just to avoid something he dislikes.

I do understand what you are saying, but i think i would try and find a way to try and push him through it. Losing things is hard, but part of life (sayingthis as the one who comes last!!). It's not my thing. I am very academic though. But I am resilient as as adult because I learned to take my knocks through things like sport.

My son is the worst academically in the class and I promise you everyone knows about it. Followed around by an adult in class to be able to do lessons, constant interventions and adapted work etc. Children talk. The parents all know because I get sympathetic side tilts if the head each time they ask how he is 'getting on'. He will win the sprint though. He takes his knock academically and needs this to shine. I hope the other bright kids turn up so he has kids to race!!

I work in education and children's resilience is at an all time low and we need to strengthen it desperately.

I think in the OPs situation, I would keep trying to get him to go, big reward and praise for participation etc. If on the day they were really upset, then maybe I would change my mind, but I would try my hardest first.

Limping in last in front of all my peers on sports day just gave me a deep and lifelong hatred of sport and a massive inferiority complex. Glad it worked for you though!

Training won't help someone who just doesn't have an athletic body. Staying off for one pointless day isn't hiding away from anything, he will be in school the rest of the year. Doing your best and coming last makes no child proud of himself.

Non-bookish children don't have that visible demonstration every day. Good teachers differentiate so that children can learn at their own pace and can achieve even when they have serious learning difficulties. No good teacher reads out the marks in class so that everyone can see that little Johnny's come last yet again. However, there is no way of hiding the fact that little Johnny has come last in every race he entered for in a public sports day.

He will win the sprint though. He takes his knock academically and needs this to shine. I hope the other bright kids turn up so he has kids to race!!

Of course bright kids will turn up to race. It’s not an either/or! Plenty of academically able kids are also great at sport. There are also kids who struggle with both.

And most kids are somewhere in the middle and will enjoy a day away from lessons anyway. OPs child’s level of anxiety is different so she would be best advised to keep him off.

The non-sporty types don't avoid what they dislike. They get to do it generally at least twice a week throughout the school year, and certainly know full well that they can't do well in everything. I really don't understand why so many sports day supporters ignore that fact. Why do these children also have to have it rubbed in their faces in front of the whole school and parents? And if that's a good thing to do, should we take it that you support putting the non-academic types through the same? After all, it'll build up resilience, right?

Another thing I don’t understand is this:

I had a really hard time learning to drive. I had to have a LOT of lessons, struggled to make any progress, and failed three tests before passing. But I kept going because I really wanted to pass.

I’m currently trying to teach myself to play the piano. It’s slow going and I sound terrible. But I’m persisting because I enjoy it.

I’m not, however, going to try to improve in all the many, many sports I’m rubbish at, don’t enjoy, and don’t need to be good at… because why would anyone do that?! Does anyone here who thinks kids need to “face their fears” and “push through their anxieties” and “show up and do their best” on sports day do that for all the things they’re not good at, don’t enjoy, and don’t need to be good at?

You’ll never do anything like sports day again in your life. There is no valuable life lesson in doing it. Honestly the more you think about it the less it makes sense!

I think in the OPs situation, I would keep trying to get him to go, big reward and praise for participation etc. If on the day they were really upset, then maybe I would change my mind, but I would try my hardest first.

No, I think the exact opposite. If OP keeps him off this year without any fuss, rather than racking up his anxiety to an even higher level, he might be willing to give it a go next year.

Thinking that a non-sporty child needs to participate in sports day to learn that they can’t be good at everything implies a mind-boggling lack of empathy.

If OP was “letting him stay off school when he is well just to avoid something he dislikes” then he’d be off school every time there was a PE lesson. Or maybe a geography lesson or any of the other things a child might “dislike”. No-one in their right mind would advocate that.

I would argue that putting a child through obvious considerable distress for the benefit of absolutely no-one is “not great parenting”, personally.

I’m actually starting to think some parents must do that: force their child to participate publicly in every competition available to them regardless of their inclination or ability in order to “build resilience” and “learn to lose”. No-one has explained the difference to me yet so I can only assume that’s what all these parents must be doing.

Carduelis
If we follow your itinerary then we should keep our kids off when there is a spelling test or if they hate PE when it is tennis should keep them off as well. Doing this leads to children who struggle to cannot cope with difficulty and often present with anxiety later on. Parents should reassure and build the understanding that it is OK to take part and do your best. No one is good at everything. I was and am very unsporting. I didn't enjoy sports day but it wasn't a big deal and the end of the world because my parents did not encourage days off unless we were ill.

Did you read the bit of my post where I said no parent in their right mind would advocate keeping their child off for every PE lesson?

FWIW though if there was a Spelling Day with every child spelling in front of all their peers and their parents and a child was really anxious about that then I’d be in favour of keeping them off that too.

This is the whole point. Kids have plenty of opportunities to get better at stuff they’re not good at, to learn they can’t be the best at everything, to be told their best is good enough, and to accept they have to do things they don’t like, every single normal day at school. They don’t need a special day of being rubbish in front of the whole school and their parents to learn those life lessons: it’s just pointless humiliation.

A child who isn’t sporty doesn’t need sports day to learn resilience. It happens every week in PE when they come last or are always the last child picked when the other children are picking teams.

Sports day isn’t necessary to teach resilience.

As I’ve always said: imagine the complaints if they did that in any other subject…

I'm a primary teacher (Year 2) and I get what you are saying...I was also that child in school OP and it's horrible! I would never read out the children's spelling test results in order from 10/10 to 0/10, or pin rosettes on those children who have scores full marks in our recent SATS tests!

Sports Day is even worse, as it's watched by the whole school, all staff and hundreds of parents and other family members!

We are not all the same and yes, we do need to foster resilience, endurance and stamina in our children...but there are less humiliating ways to do it!

The poor readers and mathematicians aren't being forced to read a book or solve equations in front of the whole school and possibly hundreds of parents though are they?? Can you really not see the difference here? Also, reading and maths are essential life skills...being unable to balance a quoit on your head and run down a field without dropping it, is hardly going to affect your life chances now is it?? 🤦‍♀️

but non-bookish kids it could be argued that there is a visible demonstration of their lack of academic ability every single school day

Maybe things have changed but it was not a negative thing to do badly academically when I was at school. The clever ones got called geeks and boffins. It was nothing like sport. Who gets ridiculed for being the fastest runner?

Things have changed. Certainly in my dcs school and friends schools.
The not so clever are aware and made aware of it every single day.

They may not be outed in front of parents but kids aren’t really bothered by other parents it’s their piers that they can’t deal with. So when a bad reader has to read aloud or a bad mathematician is asked to solve a problem in front of the whole class that is very outing.

We can’t, however, all live in isolation of others that are better than us. In life there is always someone better and it’s best to realise that, learn from it and learn to deal with it.