To withdraw my child from school sports day

[MissHoollie]

So my son age 7 has been upset for a few weeks about sports day and " always coming last"
None of us in the family are sporty and my other children " were always last " but they didn't mind at all and it almost became a family joke with them enjoying the fact it was a family tradition to be rubbish at sport
So my 7 year old is begging not to take part
We've done all the " it's fine ..someone has to be last in the races "
" You are good at other things "
" It's part of life "
But he's still loosing sleep over it all.
They've been practicing all week which is winding him up even more.
So it occurred to me , and this is where I need perspective.
Would schools parade kids out in order of best reader to worst for all the parents to applause the best reader? ,no of course not ,so why do schools do this?
Yes it's good to celebrate success but why is it so demoralising for some kids ?
Am I being unreasonable taking him out of school that day?
As I say looking for other perspectives

• · Yesterday 22:06 No. I don’t agree. Sports day is about so much more than winning. It’s about taking part. Showing up. Being part of a team. Figuring out what you are good at.

If you write off sports day at age 7 you will never give him a chance to figure things out. Races, jumps, throws it won’t be the same children that win each event. Your son might find a small part he enjoys and in later years you can focus on that.

Also praise the effort. Failing that say you will have some ice cream when you get home for all his effort even though he wasn’t looking forward to it. (Flat out bribe)*

I agree with this. So much of the ‘trauma’ mentioned here is down to shit teaching. My daughter is not naturally good at sport but she also doesn’t try. When she does put the effort in she gets significant praise. I agree that in general allowing kids to opt out rather than taking part is a poor lesson. Of course if there are serious signs of stress that is different but, as pp have said, someone has to come last and being last in itself is not a good enough reason to pull out.

Pressed send too soon.
Theres not just sport to do to keep moving and keep fit.
Plenty of choices out there.

If you write off sports day at age 7 you will never give him a chance to figure things out. Races, jumps, throws it won’t be the same children that win each event. Your son might find a small part he enjoys and in later years you can focus on that.

But some kids do win everything. I remember a boy in DS’s primary who ended up with a chest covered in first badges! DS’s only claim to fame is getting a third in the obstacle race- definite life skill that!

Also praise the effort. Failing that say you will have some ice cream when you get home for all his effort even though he wasn’t looking forward to it. (Flat out bribe)

There’s a huge difference in not looking forward to it and the level of anxiety OP’s son is experiencing!

Take him out it's bothering him don't make big deal about it let him paint rocks or something outdoors bike whatever in place of The event it's supposed to be a fun time but for some it's not..I have the right thought process sometimes you just suck at things....my boy sucked at bowling n he wasn't aware of it so I made him choose another sport afte school.... just keep it real as you are..

I'm 55 n I hated it as well we had it in 6 th grade.... Running wasn't for me because I had long legs they made Me run I had horrible side aches from running still do n my legs id trip on em so I guess we turned naughty so we had to sit out....any or all events....my son's didn't partake either they can't make you.... it's fun to get out side but if you suck you suck... don't let your son loose sleep over this

Some people aren't good at ANYTHING at sports day, honestly.

Encouraging a kid to have a miserable time exercising (and thus making sure that they develop an "exercise = misery" connection in their mind), and then bribing them with ice cream after doing it (and thus encouraging them to use food as a source of comfort and as a reward for moving about) together constitutes just about the worst advice I have ever seen on the issue of how to encourage healthy lifestyle habits.

If schools won't offer "hold the flag/clipboard roles" for the kids who find sports day a source of humiliation, the best thing to do is to take them out and do something physically active and FUN with them outside school.

There’s a huge difference in not looking forward to it and the level of anxiety OP’s son is experiencing!

But isn't that where we try to help as parents? To help them process their feelings and see whether they can reduce their fear? My older son has been prone to anxiety, but he's tried to rationalise it and made himself do the things he was really nervous about.

As I've said earlier, I was that child who came last by a long way for reasons i couldn't help. The other pupils knew my circumstances and there was no mocking. They respected me for having a go, knowing I'd lose.

I learnt to see it not as an exercise in humiliation but something that would be over in 20 odd seconds and I'd be sat back down with my friends. Most people aren't watching the races their kids aren't in anyway.

It is important to encourage our children to push through their fears and realise they can do things they are anxious about.

It is also important to listen to our children and for them to know we have their backs when they are really scared about something.

The difficulty is judging in any scenario which of the 2 situations they are in.

All this about helping kids to push through their fears and deal with their anxiety:

If your child had terrible stage fright, absolutely zero acting talent, and no interest whatsoever in drama, would you tell them they absolutely must push through their fears and be in the school production?

If your child was tone deaf, hated singing in front of others, and had no interest in music, would you tell them they needed to push through their fears enter the school talent contest?

We just don’t force public participation in competitions in any other discipline: we let children decide according to their talents. Why is sport the exception?

This isn't a bad analogy for primary schools where PE, school show productions, singing, art are all mandatory parts of the curriculum.

Schools do often allow children who are adamant that they don't want to act/sing on stage to do other roles, like prop, set changing between scenes, etc. Same can be done and is often done on sport days: tallying, setting up events, helping with younger children on the day, etc

I think they should participate, but there are other ways they can participate.

And what if they can't? Frankly, if you're not a good runner/jumper or whatever, pushing through is not going to make you good.

Primary schools force kids to sing solo in front of the whole school and parents then have their performance judged? Really?

Times tables test don’t happen in front of baying parents I fail to see why sports test should.

It really isn't about being part of a team if you are made to take part. Unless you are part of a relay team, most of it is about individual achievement, even if the school makes it something like a competitive house event. And if it is a house event, being the person who will inevitably come last and let the house down will only make the child feel worse. There really are children who will not find any event in sports day that they are good at. An ice cream really is no compensation for many hours of misery in the run up to sports day and the day itself.

If OP's son finds a sport he enjoys, he won't do that at sports days, he will do it in PE lessons or outside school activities. That's what I wish schools would concentrate on. With hindsight, I realise that our school games teacher was useless at her job. I used to spend PE sessions hiding at the back of the queue for every activity, and because she concentrated on the teams and left the duffers to themselves, everyone just stood around chatting to their mates. No other teacher would get away with ignoring the pupils who were bad at their subjects. I got little or no exercise even though I actually wanted to exercise, if only to pass the time. So if she had simply put on something like workout classes for me and the substantial proportion of pupils like me, or sent us off on walks, it would have been way more sensible than trying to get us to climb ropes or play netball.

Yes to all this. I used to love rounders lessons because if I was fielding I’d just stand waaaaay out and if I was batting I’d keep letting everyone go in front of me so I never had to bat at all.

I think part of the problem with PE is that it almost always frames exercise as a competition and the perception is that all kids are motivated by competition when some very clearly aren’t. If you just don’t care who can run the fastest or score the most goals then you’re going lose interest in PE very quickly.

With hindsight, I realise that our school games teacher was useless at her job.

Those who can, do
Those who can't, teach.
Those who can't teach, teach PE.
Those who can't teach PE tell the kids to "pick teams and play a game of rounders"

(Yes the above is tongue in cheek; I think most teachers are excellent at their jobs and I know there are even some decent PE teachers these days, but there also appear still to be some lazy gits who fawn over the sporty ones and allow bullying).

@Kokeshi123
I have an IQ of 6000
That's the combined IQ of 6000 PE teachers

Holly from Red Dwarf

I still don’t agree. You don’t have to be good at sports day. Turning up and doing something is what’s important.

I never did well at sports at school. My PE gcse was my lowest grade but I put effort into it. Tried to revise for the exams. Did my best in the practicals.

But I place a lot of value on turning up to things. Parties. Events. I feel like sometimes you have to do these things for the group and help make the event by being there. That’s just me. Good luck OP.

Oh definitely miss it. Ignore all the nonsense. Its a special hell for non sporty sensitive kids - so public! Failing in front of a baying crowd. Theres no other equivalent in adult life. No thanks.

I let dd1 miss it a few times, shes a hard worker, gets great results and found a sport she enjoyed at secondary. DD2 was also not great at athletics but didnt care so she would go along and roll her eyes and come last.

If you’re bad at sport then you’re not letting anyone down by not showing up, though, are you? You’re not doing anything “for the group” by being incompetent, nor are you helping to “make the event by being there”. The kids who are good at sport get to have their moment whether you’re there coming in last or not.

Totally agree with this. It’s just not necessary or important enough for anyone to suffer for it. My son has not attended sports day since yr 4. He is now top of his class in yr 9 at secondary school. He works really hard and he does not miss the annual humiliation for him that comes with sports day. He is not sporty, he has flat feet he is not fast. He goes to sports lessons at school, he takes part, that’s enough. You are not forced to enter academic competitions, sports day should be optional. Personally, I could not continue to watch him suffer every time, getting anxious, throwing up and feeling a failure every year.

Brilliantly said @WiddlinDiddlin my thoughts entirely

How on earth does it "make the event" for someone who is useless at sport to be there on sports day? If people were that keen to have me do things for their group, I wonder why I was always among the last to be chosen when it came to sports? I'm quite sure my contemporaries were far more happy to have me safely out of the way so that I didn't slow everyone else down.

No.help him to train.help him to learn that doing your very best is good enough.he needs to know hiding away will not teach him confidence in the ability he does have.help him understand that when he has done his best that is a huge accomplishment and to be very proud of himself.

Totally agree with Christmas and Widdling. Also love a PPs description of “watered down Hunger Games” 😀

Have sports day of course but allow the non sporty kids to opt out and do something non competitive and but vaguely sport related. Surely that’s not that hard to arrange?

Comparing sports day to other shit things is silly. Everything else your failure is low key and personal. This public humiliation. Fuck that!

We live right next to the school and have a happy memory of dd1 (then year 2, bookish, one of the youngest in her year) who hated the very visible coming last and fakey sympathy thereafter and I reading our books as we studiously ignored the screaming and yelling from the school.