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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

235 replies

Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:34

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
Cocolapew · 24/05/2023 19:36

Tell him it's none of his business.

Lucyccfc68 · 24/05/2023 19:36

All depends on what type of person you are. When pushed, I can be really blunt. At this stage, I would repeat ‘our finances are none of your business’.

LordEmsworth · 24/05/2023 19:37

Laugh and say, there's no pockets in shrouds Ebenezer! Who wants a nice cup of tea before the first ghost gets here, woooooo...

millymoo1202 · 24/05/2023 19:37

Tell him it’s none of his business!

bibbityboppityboo · 24/05/2023 19:38

I think your options are;

A) ignore him totally as DH suggested
B) wildly exaggerate. Triple every price you've ever paid for anything, wind him up with it and have a bit of fun.
C) start quizzing FIL. What's his pension worth? How's it invested? Does he have savings? Is he planning for retirement? What's with all the new shoes / jumpers etc?

I'd do all three on rotation until he gets bored personally. Some people are nosey and don't take subtle hints!

CalistoNoSolo · 24/05/2023 19:38

'Fuck off' should do the trick. I would stand one instance of someone else trying to interfere in the way I run my finances. After that I would use the above.

standardduck · 24/05/2023 19:40

I would have to be blunt. Tell him he is overstepping and it's none of his business.

Ideally your DH should handle it as it's his family. But if he is not willing to and you are getting annoyed, just be blunt.

Iloveacurry · 24/05/2023 19:41

Definitely ask them about their finances!

Treesoutsidemywindow · 24/05/2023 19:42

I too would tell him that our finances were none of his business! What a bloody cheek! Don't allow these people to walk all over you OP, family or not, your finances are none of their business, assuming of course that you're not asking for frequent loans or handouts.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 24/05/2023 19:42

Say "back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids"

But you have to let go of trying to do it without falling it out. You can't control his reactions to what you say and you shouldnt try to. You should put your energy into setting some boundaries. It is entirely upto you how much info you give him on what you are spending.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 24/05/2023 19:42

Start by seeing them a whole lot less...
Ignore the remarks and start talking over them every time...

Lovetosquanderpromise · 24/05/2023 19:43

A bit of both. Mostly DH’s plan of not
mentioning it.

If it comes up:

“Given our family situation we feel it’s important to prioritise the here and now, you’ve mentioned this quite a lot and it makes me uncomfortable. If we do want some financial advice we’ll ask but could we drop this please? We really are OK. Would you like some tea?”

Dedodee · 24/05/2023 19:46

I second fuck off.
But realistically I would say something like
Dont you think prying into others finances is rather vulgar?
Unless we ask you for money then it’s really not your business is it?

wheretoyougonow · 24/05/2023 19:47

Ask him 'Is everything okay? You seem to be worrying about money a lot. I can recommend an accountant if you think it will help you.'
But only if you are the sarcastic passive aggressive type.... 😂

Fiddlerdragon · 24/05/2023 19:47

I’ve been through this with my mum and step dad. They don’t believe in spending money on or treating children ‘just because’. I finally snapped when we were all on a weeks holiday in butlins (paid for by me funnily enough), and on the first day I caught my mum hissing at my 3yo dd ‘don’t you dare ask your mum for anything else this week, you’ve had your treat’, after I’d bought her a £3 glitter tattoo. I went absolutely fucking apeshit at the pair of them over their constant snide comments and they don’t do it now. If I were I’d just keep repeating the phrase I always use when people give their unwanted advice- ‘I don’t remember asking for your opinion’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:48

Lovetosquanderpromise · 24/05/2023 19:43

A bit of both. Mostly DH’s plan of not
mentioning it.

If it comes up:

“Given our family situation we feel it’s important to prioritise the here and now, you’ve mentioned this quite a lot and it makes me uncomfortable. If we do want some financial advice we’ll ask but could we drop this please? We really are OK. Would you like some tea?”

I think this might be a good idea. I really want to avoid confrontation and falling out but also set some firm boundaries. I do think I will perhaps curb the visits as well.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 19:50

It's not their money and it's not their children so they need to fuck off.
I would have been so shocked and appalled if my inlaws or my own parents said such to me I'd have to ask them if they're on crack!

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:50

FIL despite my protests also wrote us down in the calendar to spend 6 days over Christmas with them. It would be hell on earth. What ever we buy the children it will be too much. He said bluntly to me last week that I must stop buying the children anything more than 1 gift at Christmas! MIL just nods along with him I think to avoid arguments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:52

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 19:50

It's not their money and it's not their children so they need to fuck off.
I would have been so shocked and appalled if my inlaws or my own parents said such to me I'd have to ask them if they're on crack!

I wish I could be more blunt. I think I’m going to have to just bite the bullet and deal with the consequences. I think because the kids are hard work I avoid adding any more problems into our lives.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 19:52

Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:50

FIL despite my protests also wrote us down in the calendar to spend 6 days over Christmas with them. It would be hell on earth. What ever we buy the children it will be too much. He said bluntly to me last week that I must stop buying the children anything more than 1 gift at Christmas! MIL just nods along with him I think to avoid arguments.

YOU tell HIM how many days you will stay, he can dictate when you arrive but not when you decide to leave.

Who does this man think he is?!

Give me his number and I'll have a word.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 24/05/2023 19:54

Our finances are none of your business. End of conversation.

Or one my dad uses when he doesn't want to answer something....a policeman wouldn't ask me that.

Or if you really want to be nice about it, we are financial stable so you don't need to worry. And then if he continues use one or both of the above. There is just no telling some people.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 24/05/2023 19:54

**financially

Original poster
Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:54

Fiddlerdragon · 24/05/2023 19:47

I’ve been through this with my mum and step dad. They don’t believe in spending money on or treating children ‘just because’. I finally snapped when we were all on a weeks holiday in butlins (paid for by me funnily enough), and on the first day I caught my mum hissing at my 3yo dd ‘don’t you dare ask your mum for anything else this week, you’ve had your treat’, after I’d bought her a £3 glitter tattoo. I went absolutely fucking apeshit at the pair of them over their constant snide comments and they don’t do it now. If I were I’d just keep repeating the phrase I always use when people give their unwanted advice- ‘I don’t remember asking for your opinion’ 🤷🏼‍♀️

I feel for you. It sounds though that you dealt with it straight away and I wish I had done the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscouldron · 24/05/2023 19:55

TomatoSandwiches · 24/05/2023 19:52

YOU tell HIM how many days you will stay, he can dictate when you arrive but not when you decide to leave.

Who does this man think he is?!

Give me his number and I'll have a word.

Show quote history

😂 i wish you could

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 24/05/2023 19:57

First things first… do you live with them or get any financial or equivalent support from them?