In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

[Mrscouldron]

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

My family are similar, and I'm not bolshy enough to do half of what people suggest, although i wish I were!
What worked for me was saying "we're fine, please stop worrying about us" followed the next time by "I told you, we're fine financially, please don't worry about us". By framing it as thinking they were concerned (rather than judgemental) it took some of the sting out of the response, but they got no information, and referencing the fact that we'd been over it before seemed to massively reduce their desire to bring it up for a 3rd time.

‘The details don’t concern you.’ ‘You don’t need to know that information.’ ‘That’s private.’

Every time.

It really needs to be that blunt.

Is your partner aware of this, I usually find this overstepping links in to the oversteppers history, maybe they are not doing well financially and they are just worried you are repeating their mistakes. I would speak to your partner and ask them to have a word with them, explain to them you are meeting fiscal obligations, you aren't carrying crazy credit card debt for jet skis you purchased on a whim.

You sound like me you value your time on this earth but aren't the human equivalent of Greece in 2008

this man sees you & your husband as children whom he can boss around, be prepared for him to try & tell you off like a child when you 'back chat' him, have a response ready.
I'd tell him to shut the fuck up, but then he'd get that vibe from me from the get go and wouldnt try any shit- I'd imagine?
I long for relatives like this, I'd have so much FUN

You don't need to be rude to win this discussion. Just tell him you don't want to discuss your finances so let's change the subject.

Just say 'Don't worry we can afford it, we're adults with jobs and can manage our finances just fine thanks'.
That's it, it's as easy as that.

You're not asking him to help out because you're short at the end of the month, so it is completely none of his business how you run your household finances. I would be doing the same in your situation and making precious memories with my wee ones.

I would be reducing the exposure to him, and when he does start, saying something like 'thanks, DH and I are doing just fine and are happy with how we budget for our household' and change the subject. Just close it down and grey rock him.

Tell them you won't be able to visit again any time soon as the fuel is far too costly

Every time he insists on something I’d ask why he felt that was his decision to make with your finances and your children.

Has he always been like this? If this is a new thing it did make me wonder of your hubby has borrowed money from his mum? It’s so weird he has an opinion on your finances!

Mean bastard. A short sharp “Fuck off” should do the trick.

My mother in law thinks I spend all of her darling son's money on clothes for our children

Mainly because I got a 3 for 2 on M&S dresses for £17

M&S is wildly extravagant, you know, and there is just "no need for it"

Her darling son is a wonderful father and husband, who patiently reminds her that I also have a full time job, contribute to everything financially and we are very comfortably well off

Nice lady, but she thinks we should live in rags. She's fond of a good bloody handbag from the local premium shopping centre, always a bargain apparently

Wonderful advice not🙄

Turn it round on them. If they ask you how much you have in savings, ask the question back.

Oh fuck no. Our in-laws demanded a copy of our mortgage statement. We are now very minimal contact. And very financially sound!

Aaah, I have this issue with my own biological parents, sadly it’s caused a lot of strain in our relationship.

Nowadays I’ve found what actually works a lot more than saying anything is just giving a look of despair whenever questions about our finances come up - a sort of raised eyebrow that says “did you really just ask that?” Works every time, they either deduce that the question is inappropriate or move on.

My ex inlaws on the day I found out I had won the lottery in the syndicate at work told me I could afford to buy them a new roof. I told them to fuck off as politely as I could. They spent the next few months asking how much of my winnings I had left, I told them every time to mind their own business. I bought myself a brand new car as with my dh working shifts, it was difficult managing with one car, fil piped up I was driving round in their new roof. I wouldn't hold back, why not just say "do you have to be so rude, our finances are nothing to do with you" & keep saying it every time he brings it up.

Either be blunt, or patronise him.

'Thank you sooooo much for your concern, you pay soooo much more attention than other parents to their adult children's finances. Please let me reassure you that we are ok financially but if we do have any trouble, you'll be the first we turn to. Thank you soooo much.

The thought of you asking for money might keep him quiet.

This approach works really well with my passive aggressive MIL.

I agree. You don't have to lose your shit or be rude (if you don't want to - you would be perfectly entitled to!).

I think people who aren't used to being assertive sometimes confuse it with being aggressive. But it's possible to be perfectly warm and polite while holding your position. Do it early and often, so you don't get a chance to build up a head of steam and end up saying something you regret!

I've found in life that's it's just easier to agree with family, lie and then do my own thing.
They feel their advice has helped me, I've done what I want. It's a win:win.

Your FIL needs stopping in his tracks, don’t even let him talk about this stuff. Shut him down. You say: “I’m sorry I’m going to have to stop you there, we really appreciate your concern but we’re just fine and don’t need or appreciate your comments on our finances.” Afterwards if he attempts to say something you shut him down pronto with: “As I’ve said before we are not prepared to discuss this with you.” If he doesn’t shut up you use the broken record technique and say (repeatedly if necessary) “I’m sorry but we are not prepared to discuss this with you.”

Stand right next to him and in a low calm voice say 'fuck off with your questions, you nasty prick'
If he starts just repeat.

I can’t believe that there are such totally demanding, patronising people that stick their nose where it doesn’t belong . I just couldn’t accept this behaviour, I would be telling him it’s none of his buisiness. Because, it isn’t , unless he’s paying for your lifestyle which he isn’t . It’s outrageous!!

fil piped up I was driving round in their new roof
😲
My ex-in-laws were a bit like this, they saw their (adult) children's money as something that they had first claim on.

Quick update. They came round this afternoon, it was a planned visit as they were passing through the area. DDs old water bottle had cracked so I had brought her a new one. She loves smiggle so it was one of those. Obviously FIL went mad saying there is nothing wrong with a plain Tescos one. I politely told him it’s my money and I will buy whichever water bottle I wish for her. He said we just waste money left right and centre. I said it’s really none of your concern what we do or don’t spend our money on and that our finances won’t be discussed again. FIL looked at DH and said you need to control your wife! DH told him not to speak like that and to leave. Safe to say both FIL and MIL went off in a complete rage. I feel so much better for it though.