In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

[Mrscouldron]

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

We have made provisions for the DC for later in life. They are aware of this so I don’t think it’s coming from concern for their future.

FIL always directs the interrogations at me so maybe I won’t go next time. I think seeing them less and being more blunt is the way to go.

Funnily enough FIL’s biological children visit him about twice a year despite living closer to him that we do.

"Please stop, it's none of your business and it's making us both feel uncomfortable. Let's not discuss money anymore. How's dot down the road doing?"

Your family finances are highly confidential and you refuse to divulge your montly outgoings because it is nothing to do with him or anyone else.

Your FIL is well and truelly overstepping the mark and your partner needs to back you up with this or the FIL will grind you down about it.

Stern words may be needed but its none of his buisness what you spend on your family.

I could maybe understand if your dh had been speaking to him about money worries or was after financial advice, had asked for a loan etc. Are you absolutely sure he hasn't? If you know he hasn't then you just need to be blunt. Shut him down everytime and frankly I'd quite clear that what is it to him, it isn't his money so he needs to pipe down.

Life is for living and you can't take it with you, if special experiences make you happy as a family and you can afford them, then do as you please!

This is exactly my feelings on life. The DCs suffer enough with their disabilities and these trips etc make them so happy. They make us all happy.

I agree with @Milkand2sugarsplease . I think you need to practice this statement until you have the balls to say it to him. Of they are offended they might distance themselves. Its a win either way.

I would double check with DH that he isn't borrowing money from them first. If he is then I could understand why they think they have a right to comment.

Tell your fil to back off. Ask your dh to check that his mother isn’t being financially controlled by her dh.

Do you have merlin passes?

I’ve had difficulties with older relatives overstepping about my finances. I think it’s a kind of anxiety that comes with advancing age and fears over what will happen when they are no longer here. It is very disturbing and annoying.

Tell Fil that he cannot come around anymore as you cannot afford to have him around.
Food, tea etc
Say and you can't go to them because petrol or travel costs are too much.

And unless he wants to fund your life can he keep his tight fisted opinions to himself.

Why are you even entertaining this, it's nothing to do with them

You say

Bernie, you have become very focused on our finances. While I know this comes from a place of concern, I find these constant questions and comments intrusive. Let this be the last time we discuss our personal finances.

then every single time he raises it - say - Bernie, we have spoken about this and you know my position.

asert those boundaries clearly and without emotion. That’s how boundaries get established and respected.

if he kicks off treat him like a child. Don’t bend

Ask him what he's leaving you all in his will!!!

Thank you for your input now who would like a cup of tea. Should shut it down every time...works for me!

He (FIL) wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost.

           Turn the tables; ask  him  and MIL  how much their outgoings are each months, what they have in savings,  how much their stuff costs. Are you sure you can afford that, FIL?  Seems like a waste of money. 

When he finds your enquiries really impertinent and rude, you reply "Yes, isn't it. So don't keep asking about ours".

Yes we do thank you. Legoland is a firm favourite ❤️

I had someone like this in my family - my father. Zero boundaries. Expected to be consulted on everything.

I was cowardly and just avoided telling him and my mother stuff. Then, they’d be peevish about not having been told before.

I wish I’d been firmer at an earlier age. So my advice is to nip it in the bud even if it’s awkward to do so.

Telling them to f off isn't being blunt it's common and awful and no way to act. It would just make you sound like a scrubber.

Be assertive, that's strong without being aggressive. Much better way to handle things.

This is an excellent idea!

Ohhh I would be so tempted to go wild at the pound shop and wrap up a silly amount of parcels and pour them all out under the Christmas tree at your ILs, @Mrscouldron!

Or you could just tell him it is ill-mannered to be so nosy about people’s finances.

I don't understand why you are even bothering to see him or speak to him? He sounds unhinged. How dare he tell you that you can only get 1 present each for your children. I wouldn't be spending Christmas with anyone like that just tell him to fuck off and mind his own business.

We definitely won’t be spending Christmas with him. He would spoil it for the children. After reading all these responses it’s clear that I’m not being unreasonable in getting fed up with him. It’s time to put my big girl pants on and tell him where to go with all of this.

You say "back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids".

Round it off with "none of your business".

He sounds insufferable.

I would just say when he starts to pay he can ask otherwise it’s not his business.

Ask for money.
Keep asking like a broken record.
Say u r broke bla bla.

He will soon not want to see you.