In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

[Mrscouldron]

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

You spent £15 on fidget toys????!!

Remember the 3 F's. If you're not Fucking me, Feeding me, or Financing me, then your opinions really don't matter. Therefore, keep your opinions to yourself.

One thing though that crossed my mind reading your story especially some of the updates - is your FIL excessively controlling in his own house? Is your MIL potentially be emotionally and/or financially abused? Might be a thought to drop in your DH's ear to think about just in case.

I trot out the same line over and over when people get in my business "are you paying our bills?" Because if the answer is no then what business is it if theirs?
If I want 6 holidays and 52 day trips a year, what does it matter as long as no one else is paying my bills? If you want to give your children the earth, it should be no one else's problem.
You need to stand firm with your reply and just stick to the script
"The children and what we choose to do with them, or spend on them, is none of your concern, if we need input we'll ask for it"
Just keep doing what makes you and the kids happy, screw what anyone else's opinion is.

I didn't get this far before I replied.

BLOODY WELL DONE!!! Handled beautifully.

Start asking him about his finances.

I was delighted to see what you said to him. Fil telling your husband he should control his wife and your husband saying what he said to him was good. I could understand him asking questions if as a family were asking him for money to pay the bills but meanwhile your having a lifestyle of meals out, holidays and 2 cars on finance.

He then gets his wife to ring her son and tell him they are unhappy about what has been said and expect you to apologize. I would not be saying sorry to them. At least you don't have to stay with them this Christmas.
Its not an easy situation your in with your 2 children. For your own sake I would try to get some respite care for your kids so that you and your husband can get a much needed brake.

You trying hard to give your kids the best life possible for them and you know what little things or days out give them some joy. Instead of him moaning he should say here a few pounds to bring the kids to X or for you to get something they like.

@Mrscouldron

I said it’s really none of your concern what we do or don’t spend our money on and that our finances won’t be discussed again. FIL looked at DH and said you need to control your wife! DH told him not to speak like that and to leave. Safe to say both FIL and MIL went off in a complete rage. I feel so much better for it though.

WELL! I'm glad I read the whole thread before responding! Well done to you and DH for standing firm against this nosy, misogynistic bully and his compliant wife. Looks like your lives will be a bit easier now. You'd think the old twit would have learned a lesson from how infrequently his biological children see him. I wonder if he treated them the same way? 🌹

I’m absolutely delighted for your updates! Nicely done!

I wonder if he’s thinking that you and DH should be supplementing their income? He’s counting your spending and resenting it because he thinks it ought to be going toward providing them a more comfortable life? Some people are weirdly jealous of anyone having what they don’t, or doing what they didn’t. “We couldn’t afford to do that when we were raising kids/we can’t afford to do that now, it’s not fair!” sort of thing. None of which is your problem in the slightest, of course. But it stinks of jealousy to me.

Also, when people ask inappropriate questions, I sometimes amuse myself by channeling my inner toddler. “Why?” is pretty much the only answer they get, repeated until they stomp off.

Amazing updates

How long have they been together? Does he control MiL?

Well done BTW!

They have been together for about 15 years. He had the better job so has the better pension. I think he was very cautious his entire life with money and his kids had very little growing up. Not because they couldn’t afford it but because he wanted to save it all. I will say though that they went on a 6 month long world cruise last year.

I want to thank everyone for all your advice and support I’ve really appreciated it.

MIL said I guess you won’t be seeing FIL again then
So what she's saying is that unless FIL is allowed to dominate and bully people without them pushing back at all he doesn't want to know!
Probably what's really going on is they genuinely believe you will be so upset about not seeing him that you will start apologising and begging for his forgiveness 🤣
He really thinks he's the daddy doesn't he 🤣

You say that they've been together for about 15 years so this man isn't a biological relative of your husband and probably hasn't been a parental figure as he was growing up (?) And yet he still feels it's his right to dominate and control your household spending 😲
Who does he think he is??
He needs to be put back in his place, you should mercylessly rip the piss out of him for evermore..... If you can't be bothered to do that just ignore him 😄

FIL always directs the interrogations at me so maybe I won’t go next time. I think seeing them less and being more blunt is the way to go Well then you have a DH problem. Why doesn't he pipe up and set some boundaries when his step father is talking to you like that?

I said it’s really none of your concern what we do or don’t spend our money on and that our finances won’t be discussed again. FIL looked at DH and said you need to control your wife! DH told him not to speak like that and to leave. Safe to say both FIL and MIL went off in a complete rage. I feel so much better for it though Hadn't got to this bit, sorry! Well, hopefully your DH standing up to him will have done the trick. He's clearly a massive misogynist who thinks women are some kind of second class citizen.

I'd just tell them to stop being a CF and it's got nothing to do with them, it's you life and your money do what the hell you want with it

Wow OP!

You and your husband sound like incredible people and parents.

10/10 for a perfect response to him.

Your FIL sounds truly dreadful.

Hence his own children rarely see him.

I wouldn't want him nor his poison around my children.

Best they no longer visit.

Life will be more peaceful, they clearly add nothing positive to yours.

You say that they've been together for about 15 years so this man isn't a biological relative of your husband and probably hasn't been a parental figure as he was growing up (?) And yet he still feels it's his right to dominate and control your household spending I missed that in OP's post. Wow! That's incredible that he thinks he has the right to say it and that MIL doesn't tell him he's overstepping!

I would say "we're happy with our choices, thank you, whilst looking straight at him

Control your wife 😂 what an absolute bellend. Well done OP 👏

Go team Couldron!
Guessing dh is right now being written out of the Will? Poor dmil will be hearing about this forever.

Why are you calling him your FIL, when he’s not even related to you or your husband??
id tell him to mind his own business

Would love an update on the twatty husband of your MIL, who is absolutely no relation whatsoever to you or your children.

Every Single Time reflect it back

FIL how much did that holiday cost?

• You asked FIL so you go first, how much was your trip to X? / will your holiday to Y next month cost?

Does that include flights? Meals ? How much do you think you'll spend on top of that?

He might just shut up when you mirror his behaviour and show it to be unreasonable.

If he complains that your being intrusive just act innocent

• but you're Always asking us those sorts of questions, so why can't I ask you?