In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

[Mrscouldron]

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

So say right back to him, why? They are our children we can afford to buy them more than one gift, why would we behave like Scrooge?

I find it helpful to remember that if you are completely calm, you really cannot be accused of causing drama. So hold boundaries calmly and firmly, and make use of long pauses and staring.

for inquires never respond quickly. Then ask: is that something you usually ask other people? Or say Huh, I can’t imagine asking someone that. Or my favourite: What an odd question!

for unsolicited advice / directives: that really seems like a decision we will make for ourselves.

We definitely won’t be spending Christmas with him. He would spoil it for the children. After reading all these responses it’s clear that I’m not being unreasonable in getting fed up with him. It’s time to put my big girl pants on and tell him where to go with all of this.

Atta girl!!! That's the spirit 😀!! Your children deserve to have a special childhood. They don't sound overly spoilt to me, you sound like you are doing an amazing job and this nasty misery guts is only going to bring the mood down, don't have him speak to you the way he does in front of them. If he can't reign it in then show him the door :)

Are you and your DH taking money from your inlaws. Or complaining abour being hard up. If you are then he has got a point. If not then he should keep quiet.

He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings.
"Sorry I can't remember. Its not something for you to worry about."
If pushed "I'm sorry but I'm not prepared to check"

He demands to know what things have cost.
So why the fuck are you telling him!? You are over sharing. Thats your own bloody fault.

I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore.
Then don't. Tell your DH. Its your DHs problem to resolve. You have a DH problem who won't tell his finanically controlling father to fuck off.* *

What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away.
Your DH has got a point. Just make up shit. If they say how much have you spent, say £2million. Or make up other daft numbers.

The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them.
And? Cos they know how much things cost?

All else fails say "talking about money is crass and rude and it makes me feel deeply unhappy and uncomfortable and its time you backed off with the relentless questioning of our finances. Its none of your fucking business how we manage our money as we are adults"

If this causes a shit storm - let it. Its about time you found a backbone and told him out right to stop being rude instead of constantly being polite. Your DH isn't taking it seriously in terms of how much its upsetting you. LET it cause a scene / massive bust up.

Sorry I see you have already replied you dont take money from them. Take a step back from them.

I was going to suggest turning the tables on him and also throw in something about how the only reason you can possibly imagine he’s like this is because he’s worried about his own financial future and sees you spending money on your kids threat. If so, he should have planned as well for his own future as you have done for your kids.

That's very sad. Can dh speak to his mum? Let her know you won't be visiting as much because of this?

My first thought was that they are defensive about your dh having to carry the burden of being the sole earner, but it really doesn't sound like he has confided in them about this, or other financial worries.

If fil has not always been this way, is it part of a pattern of cognitive decline? Only other thing I can think of that might make it excusable/bearable

Can you do a twinkly laugh OP? If so try this ..smile then shout 20 mins I win !!! then twinkly laugh He will say 20 mins won what? Oh we had a bet between us about how long it would be before you began interrogating us about our money again FIL twinkly laugh and dead pan eyes! Then turn and walk away!

Eye roll and say "this AGAIN"

This made me laugh!

There some great ideas on here, but basically OP you need to accept a bit of conflict now to save a lot more long term.

Whatever you do has to end this. It shouldn’t be that hard, people who do this do usually stop when they are firmly called out and put back in their place because they are so obviously out of line.

It might be worth considering what it is about conflict that makes you run in the other direction.

Maybe he has plans to spend his retirement at your expense end is fuming you are spending it.
My sil was fuming when ils remortgaged as she saw it as her inheritance..

I can be a bit upfront. I’d say god, do you begrudge my disabled children their toys, are you jealous? Is that why your own kids don’t visit much, we can go the same way if you like.

" FIL - you seem to be very concerned about our finances and seeing how we manage them. Is everything OK? Do you need us to take a look at your finances and paperwork to help you out, only you keep mentioning money and spending so often we're worried you can't cope any more.'

That should do the trick :D

When we were younger and had decided to buy a bigger house FIL told us we shouldn't do it and it would be too expensive. DH started looking a bit panicked but quick as a flash I said thanks for your advice, we weren't actually asking for any and we are buying the house. He told me I was rude and I upped and left , he did apologise the next day though. These things need to be nipped in the bud straight away.

this!
the problem as I see it is that you want to avoid a falling out and he is (I'm assuming) sending very clear signals that if you dont defer to him he will create a falling out.
You'll have to find your ovaries of steel & deliberately piss him off.
Please report back when you've done it and we'll all give you gold stars⚜

My DH is the sole earner because I am the carer for our children. Being homeschooled and having such high needs I could never hold down a job and take care of them. Don’t get me wrong he gets up at night with them and we spend evenings and weekends all together. The reality was one of us had to be a full time carer/stay at home parent as childcare wasn’t an option for them and even if it was the costs would be phenomenal. My husband isn’t resentful of this. We are a team and each have our own responsibilities within our family unit.

Start pushing back

You should only buy dc 1 present for Xmas - that's a good idea, you buy them one present and we'll buy them as many as we want

You shouldn't spend money on holidays - how much did you spend when you went to x last year FIL?

How much are your bills - I can't remember, how much are your outgoings each month?

How much money do you have in savings - we're happy with the amount, what about yourselves. How much do you have?

I'd start to make it very uncomfortable for him to ask questions as you can turn it back on them. Hopefully he'll stop asking questions to stop you asking him

My PIL do the same- constantly commenting on what we buy or spend our money on ( but happily accept an overseas summer holiday all paid for)

and now they have decided to spend their financial wisdom to my DM and say to her how tough it must be for her to cope as a pensioner on her own.

she told them in response that she had learned a long time ago not to count someone else’s money for them.

my FIL is jealous of the success DH has has and also like to comment on us being workaholics.

we have gone low contact because the negativity was making us all miserable.

FIL isn’t actually DHs father

”While I’m sure MIL appreciates you taking an interest in her son and her grandchildren, we’re really not comfortable discussing finances with you. Please don’t raise the topic again”.

This is exactly what you should do. Let him say his piece and then calmly ask him several questions about his finances. When he objects, make the point back.

“It only cost a pound.” In reference to EVERYTHING

I agree with this... fight fire with fire. You could really have some fun with this.

"That's a nice TV, FIL, are you sure you can afford it? People don't really need TVs nowaday, there's nothing good on anyway, I think you should sell it."

"You and MIL should really stop going for coffee and lunch out. It's a waste of money... you're wasting your children's inheritances".

"We haven't bought you anything for Christmas because you have too many presents already. We actually think you should consider donating some of them".

"We're economising on pens and paper so we got the kids to draw you a virtual birthday card on the tablet this year, rather than making you one. We've emailed it to you.

"I really don't think you should have turkey for Christmas. Such a waste of money that could be used for better things. I'll send you a lentil roast recipe instead."

"Why have you put the heating on? It's only November."

"You don't need a teabag per cup. Don't chuck them away, that's a waste of money, save them and reuse them. And no one needs more than two biscuits."

My in-laws are so tight and out of touch with what things cost I tell them nothing about what we’re doing. They refuse to go out for a coffee because it’s £3.50 for a cup and you can get a whole jar of instant in Lidl for £1.80.

We earn good money and do loads of nice things with the children but we tell them nothing about where we’ve been and what we’ve bought.