In-laws overstepping regarding our finances

[Mrscouldron]

Hi
Im looking for advice how to sort this situation without a falling out. I’ve posted in aibu as I didn’t know where else to post it. My in laws are really overstepping the boundaries regarding our finances at the moment. For context we have 2 disabled children whom we homeschool. DH has a fairly good job and we prioritise after bills being paid giving the children the best life we can. This includes lots of day trips, holidays etc. FIL in particular is really starting to get on my nerves. He says we shouldn’t be going on holidays it’s too expensive. We shouldn’t buy the kids so much. Actually we don’t buy the kids much at all in the way of material possessions. We shouldn’t buy them so many takeaways. They have maybe 1 McDonald’s a month. He wants to know how much our outgoings are each month and what we have in savings. He demands to know what things have cost. He said my DS has too many fidget toys and I’ve spent a fortune on them. I haven’t it was a £15 pack as he had lost most of his old ones. I’ve tried ignoring him but he won’t stop and it’s got to the point I don’t want to go round there anymore. FIL isn’t actually DHs father so that complicates things further. What do I say to make him back off and let us enjoy our lives with the kids. DH is of the opinion we just ignore or lie about what we are doing as in laws live about an hour away. The trouble is the kids are sure to say something when they see them. I don’t think this is the answer. Thanks in advance for any advice.

No nothing at all. They give the DC something on their birthdays and Christmas but that’s it.

You need to distance yourself physically, by spending far less time them. Also distance yourself by giving them far less information.

Refuse to answer rude questions properly. “I can’t remember “ “I will have to think” “Why do you want to know that?” “None of your business, nosey”

If he doesn’t back off, it’s the nuclear option of telling him how overbearing and rude he is. If he’s offended and doesn’t want to see you, that’s a result.

Putting a nice spin on it, they may be worrying that it's all going on credit cards, don't have an idea roughly how much someone in your DPS job earns, and its coming from concern?

But he's probably just a nosy bugger who has somehow decided he's in charge.

Either way, something like 'you seem to spend a lot of time worrying about our finances, there's really no need to' and a change of subject might shut it down without starting aggro.

If you keep ‘wishing’ you could do something about it, then nothing will change. Time to pull up those big girls pants and tell them to fuck off. What’s the worse that could happen (they stop talking to you??? - that would be a major result).

And if that doesn't work, I don't think I could resist doing it back to him...

Oh wow, things like drive really get my goat. But you need to stand up for yourself OP. Your ILs treat you this way because you enable it. Be firm amd stick up for yourself.

Also, if MIL just nods along, can DP tell her it's putting him off visiting, so if it carries on he might not come over as often. That might make her tackle her husband.

Ok, then that makes it easy.

In a very breezy tone just shut it down and move the conversation along.

“Oh FIL, we don’t share our finances, have you had some of that bean dip?”
”FIL, you don’t need to know what that costs. We didn’t ask you for the money. Did you hear about Jr’s award at school…Jr, tell granddad all about it”

In other words just keep shutting it down. He’ll either push the issue where you can be more direct or he’ll get bored with not getting answers and stop.

Unless he's subsidising you I'd be saying I haven't come to you for a loan so don't understand why you're asking for a breakdown of expenditures. If I ever do ask you for money I'll provide one until then trust us to Adult just like I trust you're not wasting your money.

Goodness, how irritating.

Seems as if your DH's step-father driving this and his mother going along with it to avoid arguments.

You owe them nothing.

I'd do a mix of seeing less of them, ignoring it and repeating back to him 'you think we should spend less', DH 'FiL thinks we should spend less'.

Every.single.time

But mostly see less of them.

And, yes, 'thank you for the invitation over Christmas. We think we will mange to stay one night on Xxth Dec. We will confirm by end Nov.

This. It isn't his money I presume -so what does he think he is doing? Very strange indeed.

Every time he asked or said anything, I would just stare at him and ask ' what has it to do with you? While continuing to stare.
If he replies, just repeat the question with a stare.

Telling you what to do? Again, a stare and a ' that won't be happening '
If he starts a response to that, just repeat it until he stops.

I find staring at someone in the eye, while saying the above calmly works every time.

Ask him why he wants to know.

@saltinesandcoffeecups haven't heard the bean dip for years - I loved the e.h.forum.

Is he like this with everyone ie does he interrogate his biological children in the same way?

"With all due respect FIL, we don't pry into your finances so you've no need to pry into ours and we won't be discussing them in future. They're our children and we'll raise them how we see fit, including what we buy for them".

Hahahaha

Your 1st sentence that is that you want to handle the situation without falling out. I think your priorities are misplaced. A simple falling out is going to be far less pressure than the constant inquiries. I think you should simply tell him it is none of his business.

Just smile or say something to deflect the questions or turn it back on him. The person is not even the child's grandfather and has no genetic connection to him!

"We're happy with the way we do things and we are comfortable managing our own finances. You don't need to worry about it".

And repeat every damn time until he gets the message. Rude git.

Hours of entertainment 🙂

Stop going round there as often . Make your visits short. Send DH alone of with the kids and you stay at home with a migraine / tummy bug / whatever.
Or go to visit your own family / friends while he visits his .

"You're right, we're really skint. Luckily I've started selling myself down [name of local notorious road] and the punters seem keen so it'll be paid off after a month or two!"
Used this one with family and they got the message!

Is it at all possible that they are concerned about your saving to assist and provide for your children later in life should you not be around to do so?

It took a significant amount of financial planning by my brother and sister in-law to put in place a plan to provide for their severely disabled son when they are no longer able or around to do so.

What you are viewing as crossing a boundary may just be the concerns of caring grandparents.

Next time I would interrupt him mid sentence and state we really prefer to keep our finances private and would appreciate it if he would stop bringing the topic up.