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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make my complaint about this teacher more formal

373 replies

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 19:34

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 24/05/2023 23:40

Meixo · 24/05/2023 23:23

Ffs what's with all the enabling pior parenting recently. Your son is being a pain disrupting other kids education hes 3 years from becoming a legal adult, you want him to thrive as an adult yes? He needs to learn boundaries. He won't be able to behave like that at work. Work with his teachers and correct his behaviour at home.
Ffs teachers don't hate your son they want him to behave and not cause trouble, he's not a golden boy he's turning into a little shit and you couldn't care less.

You are more interested in him not being offended than correcting him. It's very poor parenting and doesn't do him any favours.

Not to mention all the other students impacted by his disruptive behaviour

ittakes2 · 24/05/2023 23:42

I have 16 year old twins in different high schools and I can not tell you a single kid that age I know who I would describe as you have described your son. It does not come with the territory.
maybe google inattentive adhd and see if it applies as struggling to sit still in class is an adhd trait

Meixo · 24/05/2023 23:44

meuroticjishmum · 24/05/2023 23:19

The thing is , I find it really confusing when people keep saying " in the real world" " in real life" - Teenagers are actually living their real lives now! I'd hate it if I was told as a middle aged woman- if you keep behaving in this way, how will you cope when you're in your 60s!!!

I empathise with teachers and with the students disturbed by this boy's low level disruptive behaviour which I get must be infuriating to both teachers and other students.

I do feel so many of the replies though are really unnecessarily hostile. Although the teacher has the "power" in this relationship and has 30 other "relationships", they are both still humans and it is still a "relationship" and surely the restorative meeting can only be a good thing?

Wouldn't such a meeting teach good skills to a teenager - - that communication can overcome what seems like an untenable relationship, and that he can gain an understanding that actually his teacher doesn't actively dislike him, she's just frustrated by his behaviour and concerned for how it might be affecting other's learning?

Also, and I'm aware I'm going against the mainstream view on this thread, but as she's the adult with a developed brain ( and some teenager' rewiring of their brains and their hormones is all over the place at age 15) and able to regulate her emotions, and is the professional, isn't there also scope for her using this restorative meeting to develop in some way???

Also, And although this is tangential , I've copied it anyway as think interesting!: Engel, who is professor of developmental psychology at Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts, says: “When you visit schools in many parts of the world it can be difficult to remember they are full of active, intellectual children, because no one is talking about their inner mental lives. How well they behave, and how they perform seem much more important to many people in the educational communities. Often educational bureaucracies have shunted curiosity to the side.”

No it's enabling behaviour yes teenagers have more problems with emotional regulation but they can be respectful in lessons. Most teens manage it a 15 year old will be a legal adult in 3 years time, Infantilising DC does not help them with their life skills or becoming a responsible adult.

Punkkitty · 25/05/2023 00:08

Sometimes teachers just don’t like kids.. unfortunate but true. They are human.
Move him set and he’ll do perfectly well with another teacher. What’s the benefit of a complaint and whole big drama? Won’t change your child’s experience but a change of teacher will.

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/05/2023 00:15

If you’ve ended up having a meeting with his teacher and head of year to discuss his behaviour, it sounds like he’s more than a bit disruptive. I’d be starting there - his behaviour needs to improve immediately, regardless of whether she ever notices or praises him. If he manages his behaviour in every other class, which is what you seem to imply, then he can also manage his behaviour in maths but is choosing not to. That’s not ok and he needs to be clearly told to rein it in.

If the teacher then continues to be negative about him, or is treating him unfairly I’d look to discuss it with her.

Gagaandgag · 25/05/2023 00:28

Notanotheruser111 · 24/05/2023 21:44

It sounds like both the teacher and your son are seeing things that confirm their original opinions of each other. Ie the teacher only notices the negetive behaviour because it reinforces her opinion. Your son is attributing every choice to the fact “she hates him”. Thus creating a bit of a self fufilling prophecy.

when your son asks what’s the point. It’s a good opening for a talk on intrinsic motivation and also not giving a fuck about how someone sees him. Because in real life you often won’t get rewarded or praised for going above and beyond but it still has value

👏

ReliantRobyn · 25/05/2023 00:38

NotTonightDeidre · 24/05/2023 19:34

DS, 15, Y10 is really disliked by his maths teacher. It's quite obvious in the way he's treated in class (only a handful of negatives overall this year, mainly from her, not a single positive award point from her) and by how she speaks about him (on the phone/parents evening).

Don't get me wrong, I'm under no illusion that DS can be an arrogant, attitude filled, gobshite (he's 15, so it comes with the territory) but on the whole he tends to save the worst of the attitude for home.

He's a bright kid, top sets across the board & is quite often top of his classes.

I had a meeting earlier in the year with the maths teacher & DS' head of year to discuss the behaviour - it was things like chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption but I agree, it needs to be addressed. I explained that DS thrives on praise (I hate it, but the school system created that monster) & that she'd get a far better response if she could acknowledge when he's doing well/catch him being good. I also spoke to DS & told him that he needed to sort his self out & put the effort in. As far as I'm aware, he did for a while - I was seeing fewer negatives coming through but still no positive recognition.

Fast forward a month or two & the behaviour is kicking in again. DS feels unsupported in class, & has reached a point where he's saying "what's the point being good if she doesn't even notice".

Now, DH thinks rather than have another discussion we should put our concerns in writing so they have to be addressed. I think he's overreacting a little but then I've also seen DS go from a child who loved maths to one who doesn't even want to go to the lessons. He's even asked to get moved down a set so he can have a different teacher (and it's not because he's struggling, he's been entered for further maths & statistics alongside his regular maths GCSEs).

Would appreciate thoughts from all angles.

He sounds like a nightmare pupil to teach. What will your complaint be? "My son isn't praised when he isn't completely disruptive". Give your head a wobble.

MrsMikeDrop · 25/05/2023 00:43

ReliantRobyn · 25/05/2023 00:38

He sounds like a nightmare pupil to teach. What will your complaint be? "My son isn't praised when he isn't completely disruptive". Give your head a wobble.

Show quote history

Great summation

Mammadibambini · 25/05/2023 00:54

Just to play devils advocate here.

this teacher probably loathes going to the classes with your son in too. She has actively complained about his behaviour to you and him. She has reached out and addressed the issue at every level she can. I know you say that it’s low level, but have you ever had someone tap a pen continuously throughout your presentation? Also if he’s also turning around chatting and distracting others it sounds like quite a big issue.

if I were her, I wouldn’t be praising your son for good behaviour when he isn’t behaving as well as any other child. She can’t praise them all.

pandering to this behaviour now will mean it will continue.

Perhaps the reason your son isn’t behaving well is more to do with his maths level? If he’s not listening he will have fallen behind and may not be able to keep up with the course anymore. Just because he was put in for further maths, doesn’t mean he is actually capable.

does he have any SEN? Has he been assessed?

fUNNYfACE36 · 25/05/2023 02:38

ThreeCoursesForMe · 24/05/2023 23:34

Going against the grain here and I'd advise you to stand up for your Son as best you can OP. I was constantly singled out at school, never rude or nasty to any other student and good on the whole but this one teacher took serious issue with me. I'm nearly 30 and her treatment of me really affected me as an adult. I work in the Justice System and it hit me that I base all of my treatment of juveniles coming through on trying to be the opposite of how she was with me, it affected me that much. I do remember that my mum stuck up for me and walking to school crying on days of her lessons. I also remember one of her colleagues who had a name for being extremely firm sticking up for me and it was a real turning point in my confidence. Not saying its the case here but some teachers are bullies and have no people skills themselves, you know your Son and if this is off to you then certainly make it more formal. Best of luck

Show quote history

Completely irrelevant post!
You were singled out for no reason. OPs DS is deliberately disrupting the class!
'chatting/turning around in class/fiddling with/tapping pens.... all low level disruption'

Trez1510 · 25/05/2023 02:42

This reply has been deleted

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lifekeepsgoing · 25/05/2023 04:07

I was chatting to a teacher yesterday and we both said how utterly grating the arrogant students are, how they just don't bring the best out in you as a teacher and I am afraid this is how it is in the real world. If he is a gobshite as you admit, that teacher will not be able to praise him such will their irkedness be, and it does not come with the territory, in a typical class you get 2-3 students who are extremely arrogant and you are grateful to never have to teach them again at the end of the year. Teachers are not saints and they like everyone else find the likable students more likable-it is rarely the straight A students. Your son may need to learn to hide his current arrogance because it rubs up everyone the wrong way including teachers who know they should try and overcome their natural feelings to try and educate all the kids in their care but arrogant students, yes, few teachers can stay magnanimous with them has been my observation and all teens are not arrogant, few are actually just like in the real world. Arrogance is just really unlikeable in a 15 year old or a grown up and everyone spots it fast.

lifekeepsgoing · 25/05/2023 04:12

...and what I have observed, the parents that choose to blame the teachers and don't tell their kids straight to cut the bad attitude get called enablers at our school generally- "oh yeah that parent is an enabler...." so the next year the teachers know what they are dealing with from the get-go, and it's a parent problem as much a s a student problem often

Fraaahnces · 25/05/2023 04:34

@TheCrystalPalace - obviously you didn’t detect the sarcastic tone. I was making a comment on how she was babying a 15 year old and expecting the teacher to apply dog training techniques instead of telling her kid to pull his head out of his butt and treat his teacher and class with some respect.

curtainsfringe · 25/05/2023 04:49

Wow. I'm surprised at all of the negative responses.

Really?! 😆

curtainsfringe · 25/05/2023 04:58

The level of bile directed towards a child on here is genuinely disgusting. Like no one else's child has ever been tricky for a teacher before. It doesn't make it right to use the language some of you have used on here towards him, whether you agree with the OP or not.

Yes but some need an outlet now that Jeremy Kyle is no longer on & threads like this are a beacon to them!

curtainsfringe · 25/05/2023 05:06

I do think great teachers figure out how to motivate students to a point - at the least aim to engage them with the material. Also to not alienate them entirely due to individual dislike.

This

Paq · 25/05/2023 05:24

I think it's a good life lesson for your son that some people just aren't charmed by him. Working hard and not disrupting lessons is a minimum standard, not particularly praiseworthy.

He's gets lots of warm fuzzies from the other teachers. If he decides to do less well on maths because the teacher doesn't like him the only person that will be disadvantaged is him.

Seabreeze18 · 25/05/2023 06:33

This is what happens to my hubby at work all the time! He’s fab at his job but boss only ever has a go at the tiny negatives! It’s difficult but life sometimes is like this.

MiddleParking · 25/05/2023 06:44

Seabreeze18 · 25/05/2023 06:33

This is what happens to my hubby at work all the time! He’s fab at his job but boss only ever has a go at the tiny negatives! It’s difficult but life sometimes is like this.

Oh dear.

Phineyj · 25/05/2023 06:51

I'm sorry to point out the obvious but...you don't know what he's like in class. No parent does. You're not there. You only know he's doing similar behaviours often enough to get written up on the behaviour management system.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/05/2023 07:04

Threads like this remind me why I would never, ever post on this site for any kind of advice 😬

If OP hadn't acknowledged her sons bad points, she'd have been in the wrong for not seeing his faults.

But she's been honest and said that, like any teenager, he can be a PITA sometimes, and apparently that means her and her son are deserving of having all kinds of insults hurled at them Hmm

I think it says a lot that he only has issues with one teacher. It's not like he's an arrogant arsehole who skips class, constantly has detention and never listens to anyone.

Stickstickstickstickstick · 25/05/2023 07:07

If he won’t behave in her classroom, why should she choose to take him on a trip to a maths competition? Of course she didn’t choose him. 🙄

Wombastic · 25/05/2023 07:15

I have one child who moved school due to one teacher and one child who failed GCSE (went from 6/7’s to 3) due to a teacher. Never underestimate the effect one teacher can have on your child’s life.

One of these kids is sweet, mature, polite and well behaved so it wasn’t anything they did

1099 · 25/05/2023 07:15

Tell him to stop the negatives <shrug>. She's not making them up.

@NotTonightDeidre

How do you know she isn't, I complained about my sons History teacher constantly giving him negative points, she only stopped when I pointed out she'd given him negative points for a lesson that was 2 days in the future.

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