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Original poster

MIL wanted grandson not granddaughter

191 replies

cornflakebrownie · 24/05/2023 13:44

Name changed for this but am a long-time user. DH and I have two gorgeous DDs and to our surprise and delight are now expecting (in our 40s) our third child. Everything is going well with the pregnancy and yesterday at 20-week scan we found out all being well we’ve got another healthy girl on the way.

MIL has told my husband a couple of times earlier in the pregnancy that it would be nice if it was a boy. She says FIL also wants a grandson. This disappointed me but a few people had said similar given we have two girls already, so I just shrugged it off.

Then today DH called MIL to tell her our news and she told him “it would have been nice if it was a boy”. I can’t believe she’s still saying this now we actually know it’s a healthy girl.

I feel really sad and angry. DH says I’m overreacting. So as not to drip feed, we’ve had a few issues generally with MIL and FIL over the last few years, with them rarely coming to see the girls, we always have to go to them. There’s also been some financial troubles in their family, which have impacted us, but DH is very loyal and wants to keep up our weekly video chats with his mum.

Am I wrong to feel so pissed off?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 25/05/2023 19:48

Mummy08m · 24/05/2023 14:58

I can't believe so many people from this thread are saying its OK, even normal.

My mum is from a culture where they stereotypically prefer having baby boys over girls, (it's so common there that they have banned sex-selective abortions). My grandparents used to say openly to my mum and her 5 siblings (3 of each) that boys are better and treated them differently. The trauma and messed-up-ness that I see in both my uncles and aunts (and my mum) is insane. The gendered expectations are insane. If I got a whiff of that from either set of DD's grandparents, let alone my DH I'd be going NC sharpish. I'd never let anyone make my DD feel lesser for being a girl. I'm getting enraged just at the hypothetical thought of it. That kind of trauma is lifelong.

I'd think the same if it was the first child and they expressed a preference for a boy. But in this scenario it comes across more like a "wouldn't it be nice to have at least one of each" thing, that would be the same if it was the other way around. It's rude in its own way, but less sexist.

ZoeCM · 25/05/2023 19:52

TallerThanAverage · 24/05/2023 16:11

Is gender disappointment only valid for the parents?

I don't think it's "valid" for anyone. It's just an example of people viewing a child/grandchild as a possession, not a person. My heart breaks for children who are already a "disappointment" before birth - they deserve so much better.

user1487768885 · 25/05/2023 20:26

My parents suggested I should have an abortion when they found out I was carrying a 2nd girl. It turned out to be a boy because the 1st scan is sometimes not very accurate but I could never forgive them for what they said. Just ignore your ILs & be the bigger person.

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 21:13

user1487768885 · 25/05/2023 20:26

My parents suggested I should have an abortion when they found out I was carrying a 2nd girl. It turned out to be a boy because the 1st scan is sometimes not very accurate but I could never forgive them for what they said. Just ignore your ILs & be the bigger person.

That's actually horrific. I would have DEFINITELY gone no-contact with them for that. I wouldn't want MY children growing up around such vile toxic people. Even if they were their grandparents.

TheHandmaiden · 25/05/2023 21:20

What a ridiculous self hating woman your MIL is.

Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. Don't rush to see this woman, she is foolish.

Canthave2manycats · 25/05/2023 21:25

EbonyRaven · 24/05/2023 15:49

I have found this too, especially in women who are - I would say 65+... For some reason, they seem to prefer boys, and favour their grandsons over any grand-daughters, AND they favour their sons over any daughters. They let the 'boys' have their own way, and they never lift a finger to help, and the women get the bunting out when the sons/grandsons visit once a month, (and sit down being waited on hand and foot.)

When the females visit, it must be once or twice a week, (once a month and she'd be disowned,) she must help her parents and parents-in-law and grandparents, when they demand it, and she must be a good little girl and do the domestic shit and chores. Boys/men get away with murder from women born pre-1960 IME and IMO.

But yeah, I have heard many a woman born before 1960 blather on about how much better boys/sons are, and show disappointment and disdain when their daughters, and daughter-in-laws have girls/daughters.

Disgusting way to behave. As a few posters have said, why do some people find it so easy to be so rude and so cruel? My friend's grandmother told her mother (back in the late 1960s,) that she had massively let her and her father down by producing 3 girls. Who the fuck SAYS that?

And when my friend's mum's brother got married (and his wife produced a son,) the 3 girls were forgotten and ignored. Literally no birthday cards or gifts, and nothing for Christmas, nothing. My friend's mum went no contact with her parents when my friend and her 2 sisters were in their teens. How - and why - can people be so nasty?

Judging by this thread, nasty people still exist. Moaning and carping because a young woman isn't giving them a bloody grandson! (As has been said, it's the man's sperm that determines it anyway!)

You may have been moving in the wrong circles! That is a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

My mother (born in 1943) did always hope I'd have a boy at some point but I think it was really so that I could experience boys/girls because in actual fact her preference really was for girls! I was the eldest of 3 girls, 1 boy and she bent over backwards to make sure he was in no way favoured. My aunt, who is in her 90s, on the other hand had 3 girls, was desperate for a boy, and when son and heir appeared, spoiled him to the point that it was embarrassing. I only ever knew one granny who would be 110 and she never expressed any preference.

TallerThanAverage · 25/05/2023 21:47

ZoeCM · 25/05/2023 19:52

I don't think it's "valid" for anyone. It's just an example of people viewing a child/grandchild as a possession, not a person. My heart breaks for children who are already a "disappointment" before birth - they deserve so much better.

Show quote history

I agree with you completely but others on MN validate the concept of gender disappointment when the expectant mother posts on here admitting such feelings. Personally I was happy with what I had regardless of them being a girl or a boy. In my experience I was told by numerous people that I must have wanted a boy second time because I had a girl first.

mbosnz · 25/05/2023 22:03

I'd be saying I was hoping for a less ignorant MIL, but hey, that's what I've got, another granddaughter is what you've got, I guess we all get these little disappointments in life.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/05/2023 22:16

Well I'd like Ferrari rather than a Fiat but I'm afraid I'm whistling Dixie.

Passthechocolatesplease · 25/05/2023 22:17

I agree with your husband, I think you’re over reacting, surely as you have two girls her comment ‘it would have been nice if it was a boy’ isn’t too extraordinary.
I’m sure a third grandaughter will be loved just as much as the other two.
You’re putting your husband in a very difficult position, of course he doesn’t want to stop speaking to his Mum, don’t spoil this happy time. It’s

mbosnz · 25/05/2023 22:28

Nice for who? Nice, why?

Mamanyt · 25/05/2023 23:00

Remind her that the man determines the sex of her child, and to leave you out of it.

Mamanyt · 25/05/2023 23:01

The child. THE child. Jeez Louise, I need an edit button! I always see this stuff JUST after I hit "POST"

CelestiaNoctis · 25/05/2023 23:16

Thank god I had both because I couldn't have handled those kind of comments with grace 😂😂.

Runnerduck34 · 25/05/2023 23:25

She probably didnt think before she spoke, I can see why she thought it might be nice for you to have a boy as you have 2 girls already but actually it doesnt mean the girl you are expecting will be any less loved or welcome.
Is she a loving GP to your DDs ,a supportive mum to DH? How is your relationship with her? Context is everything. Unless theres a big backstory Id brush it off and move on. How she reacts when baby arrives is more important. Congratulations btw!

caringcarer · 25/05/2023 23:38

My Mum had 5 girls and told us she was never upset she had all girls, and in fact was happy she had all girls. When Mum got pancreatic cancer and was dying all 5 of her DD's moved back home to care for her. One of her last comments in life was I'm so glad I have my girls with me, just before she died. I've got a girl and 2 boys and really it males no difference. All children are wonderful and should be celebrated. Congratulations OP on your pregnancy.

TisforTucan · 26/05/2023 00:05

My MIL was the same.. made comments how she wanted x and she was going to have things specially made and give her special antiques to them.

We found out last minute what our 3rd was going to be and it was the same sex 😂. The only thing that constantly niggled at me was her comments everytime we saw them "oh I had a dream it's x". Even when baby was born she said she was sad when she couldn't buy clothes for them in a shop but she found something anyway.

Baby was 2 days old and I was so upset she could be so insensitive to comment she was disappointed she couldn't buy certain clothes.

All I wanted was a healthy baby.

T1Dmama · 26/05/2023 00:57

Sadly people always presume if you already have a child you’d want the 2nd to be the opposite sex…. I believe it was called a ‘pigeon pair’ or something…

My Nan says whenever any of us was pregnant that she hopes it’s a boy… Even said to me after my girl was born that ‘oh hopefully you’ll have a boy next time!’…..

Years ago when I was doing IVF with my ex, his dad was asked what he’d like for Father’s Day… he replied ‘a Grandson!!’.. I found that incredibly hurtful, as we were trying without success and either sex would’ve been amazing! People just don’t think!!!

Even when I was married (to someone else) and pregnant my husband made it very obvious he wanted a boy, paid for a private scan when the 20 wk scan didn’t show sex, was very quiet when the lady told us baby was female.

I agree with others though, your husband shouldn’t pass on these unkind comments, but be ready with a comeback next time they say anything.

Theroad · 26/05/2023 01:10

Not unreasonable to think it, very unreasonable to say it!

Many people have preferences (I personally always wanted girls) but that's usually for your own children, I do think it's a bit odd when other people care enough to comment/feel disappointment, but I'm not a grandmother yet so maybe I'll eat my hat on that one down the line 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations on another lovely girl.

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 26/05/2023 08:50

Course she wants a GS for a bit of variety, but she’s not the one who have to bring him up! Boys are a nightmare - you are very lucky to get a third girl - what a blessing 🌷

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 26/05/2023 08:58

Course she wants a GS for a bit of variety, but she’s not the one who have to bring him up! Boys are a nightmare - you are very lucky to get a third girl - what a blessing

Confused A bit of variety? Boys are nightmares?

What a load of nonsense. Each child is their own person.

Blossomtoes · 26/05/2023 09:02

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 26/05/2023 08:50

Course she wants a GS for a bit of variety, but she’s not the one who have to bring him up! Boys are a nightmare - you are very lucky to get a third girl - what a blessing 🌷

What nasty sexist bollocks.

Littlemissprosecco · 26/05/2023 09:04

🤣🤣🤣,
Boys or girls, they can all be lovely nightmares!

33goingon64 · 26/05/2023 10:35

Your MiL has fallen into the trap that so many do, of thinking of a DC as an accessory or an extension of themselves rather than an independent person, a force of nature, an as-yet unknown character who will lead their own life. Too many expectant parents and GPs project their opinion on to an unborn child about what would be 'nice' (by which they mean 'for them'), whether the child will be like this or like that, without even getting into the utter minefield of sex expectations and gender stereotyping. I'm flabbergasted that an expectant GP would share these unintelligent, half-baked notions, based purely on their own wants, onto a pregnant couple who are clearly delighted that they have a healthy baby on the way and are ready to love it and embrace everything it is.

sweetkitty · 26/05/2023 11:24

This is one of the many reasons I am now NC with my mother. When I was pregnant with DC1 she made no secret of the fact she hoped it would be a boy. Her little nuggets were:

“only REAL women can have sons, any woman can have a girl but to carry a boy one of the opposite sex you have to be a REAL woman!” WATF!

Even after I had a scan she presented me with presents of green clothes as scans can be wrong you know. She wasn’t really bothered with DD2 and by the time DD3 came along she couldn’t even be bothered with her as she didn’t have a willy. I went NC with her for a huge variety after DD3 was born. The irony is DC4 was a boy but there was no way I would ever let her treat him differently to the girls.

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